Shameless Traffic Promotion Post - Holiday Edition

We here at Panther Rants know that in this time of family, friends, and copious amounts of booze (not to mention the yo-yo of emotions that is Pitt Athletics), you have little time to devote to visiting your favorite satirical website. We also know that we need to drum up interest and traffic, and as such, give you the 1st Shameless Traffic Promotion Post. What is that, you might ask? Allow us to demonstrate.

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tOSU's Starting QB Out

New Orleans - Pantherrants has learned that #1 ranked Ohio State's leader, QB Todd Boeckman, will be out for the BCS National Championship Game on January 7th. Jim Tressel explained. "We allowed the players to go home for Christmas; that was a big mistake. Todd went to visit his family and comes back to us unable to play."

Tressel continued, "We don't know if this injury is going to affect Todd's ability to play long-term but it doesn't look good right now." Reports indicate that Boeckman got angry while visiting him. He began cursing and as his mother always had done, she put soap in his mouth. Boeckman had endured this punishment many times but he seemed to reach a threshold. Dr. James Williams explained. "It's just like Ralphie in the Christmas story - too much will eventually lead to soap poisoning, which can include complete blindness for life. I have yet to complete my tests but it seems as if that's what we're dealing with."

More reports to come.

Merry Xmas From Panther Rants!

The staff at Panther Rants would like to send you our holiday wishes. We've been slow on putting out new articles lately and that is due to many factors. Some of our writers have gone out to their share of booze, gambling, and hookers. It's all on Mike Price. One writer is hanging out with Ed Orgeron discussing Marlboros, Rick Neuheisal, RV's, and yaw yaw yaw. The rest are at Denny's with Wlat eating Grand Slams and getting tips on picking up the hentai tattoed waitress. Here are some other people we'd like to wish a Happy Holiday to:

Duke

It's always honorable to defeat a team like you. You guys get all the calls. Your coach cries more than a kid at Michael Jackson's house. Your players like to flop a lot. Let's also not forget your fans like to cheer when a player from an opposing team suffers a season ending injury. We can only imagine what cheer you'd come up with if that stripper actually did get cornholed not too long ago. Other than that, it was a great game. I think New York has almost a new stadium built with all the bricks you put up in the second half.



West Virginia

It's amazing how one game can really change things. You lost a shot at the national title, you lost out on some recruits, your coach is so dejected he leaves for another coaching job, your current recruits are now thinking over their verbal again, Jimbo Fisher says no, and Terry Bowden is in the picture. Who in the heck would have scripted that? Yeah it happened to us back in 1981. At least you're still in a BCS Bowl...with a staff that's bombed and depleted like Afghanistan.

Anthony Smith

Yeah it's kinda off topic considering this is all about college sports. You went from guaranteeing a victory to becoming Tom Brady's baby's momma. Let's also not forget you earned your spot on the bench. Great Job.

Rich Rodriguez

We could have included him with West Virginia, but now that marriage is over and done. We still can't get over that game. Hell we can't stop smiling about it. You had an easy game over an opponent you clearly hate. Instead of putting Pitt our of their misery, you bitched it up and lost. Since you couldn't take the heat from that loss and the after-effects, you pack up and leave. You leave a place where you were worshiped 24/7. Considering your luck against a hated rival, we can only imagine how you'll handle Ohio State.

Penn State

Coach Parkhill has you guys off to a good start. Christmas came early for you guys. Your losing streak to Michigan may just end real soon.

The WVU Situation

We here at Panther Rants have been mesmerized by the goings on in Morgantown, and as such apologize for the lack of material. But the display of raw, unadulterated humanity is beyond description. Take a quick visit to either the WVU Scout or Rivals sites, and you'll soon realize 3 hours have past, lost in rumors of Rich Fraudriguez returning to WVU with a change of heart by the boosters, to Nick Saban, Pete Carroll, and Bill Cowher expressing interest in the position. WVU fans have, in a word, lost their minds. And why wouldn't they? Let's examine the last 16 months or so in WVU country:

March 29, 2007 - The West Virginia Men's Basketball team wins the post-season NIT. Hoopie fans are a little too excited to be the 66th best team in the country, leading to the infamous misspelling on the Championship t-shirts. An ominous portent of things to come in 2007.

April 3, 2007 - John Beilein, who led the Mountaineer Men's Basketball team to the Elite 8 and the most success they've had since Jerry West was in college, leaves WVU to take the Michigan job. By the way, Michigan Men's Basketball is 4-7 with losses to Western Kentucky (not located in Lexington), Central Michigan (not located in East Lansing), and Harvard. Yes, Harvard. And not Math Olympics. Basketball. 5 on 5 basketball. Wow.

April 5, 2007 - Bob Huggins, alcoholic, rageaholic, and hillbillyaholic, is announced as head coach of the WVU Men's Basketball team. WVU now has alumni at the head of their two money sports, Men's Basketball and Football. Dreams of world domination dance in young Hoopies' heads as they believe at this moment, nothing bad can happen.

Summer 2007 - Sergio Lopez, who led WVU's Men's Swimming and Diving team to the 2007 Big East Title leaves West Virginia for, no, not the US Swim Team, no, not another University, but for a high school swim team. Seriously. You can't make this stuff up.

Fall, 2007 - WVU's football team is pre-season #3 in the country, behind only USC and LSU. Hoopie fans are orgasmic.

September 28, 2007 - For the second straight year, WVU's football team falls to the Caveman Leavitt-led South Florida Bulls. National title dreams are crushed, but Hoopies keep on keeping on as only Hoopies can.

October 28, 2007 - One month after the devastating loss to USF, WVU's football team is sitting at #7, conceivably still in the National title hunt.

November 25, 2007 - A series of stunning upsets, combined with a marshmallowy soft BE schedule, allows WVU's football team to ascend to #2 in the polls. All that stands between WVU and a date in the BCS Title game in New Orleans is the 4-7, and horrendously overmatched, Pitt Panthers.

December 1, 2007 -

December 5, 2007 - Gateway High School's Cameron Saddler, down to WVU, UVA, and Pitt, commits to Pitt. Rich Fraudriguez weeps.

December 9, 2007 - Nowin High School's Michael Shanahan, down to Pitt and WVU, among others, commits to Pitt. Rich Fraudriguez weeps some more.

December 10, 2007 - Aliquippa High School's Jonathan Baldwin, heavily recruited by USC, Florida, and Miami, among others, commits to Pitt. Rich Fraudriguez wants so very much to cry, but the tears won't come.

December 14, 2007 - The Sporting News, among other outlets, reports Rich Fraudriguez meets in Toledo with University of Michigan officials about the vacant head coaching position.

December 17, 2007 - Rich Fraudriguez is announced as the head coach of Michigan's football team. Hoopie fans weep. While Hoopies discuss the fistfight that will occur between Vince Lombardi and Bill Belichick as to who gets the open position, Terry Bowden, yeah, that Terry Bowden, expresses sincere interest in the job. Really. Glee just slightly begins to turn to sympathy for the Hoopies and their plight.

December 17, 2007 - In a hilarious "fuck you" to WVU, it is reported that Michigan will interview WVU Women's Soccer Coach Nikki Izzo-Brown. At this point, even masochists start to feel bad for the Hoopies. Seriously, was Michigan AD Bill Martin raped in West Virginia as a child? What Michigan is doing to WVU is downright soulless.



Ladies and Gentlemen, West Virginia, 2007.

This Old Pitt

It's time for the inaugural episode of "This Old Pitt," where Steve Pederson goes Bob Vila on an athletic department that merely needs a new roof and a deck on the back. Today we join Steve as he gets ready for another football season.

SP, Hi, and welcome to This Old Pitt. Today we're at Heinz Field getting ready to lay the foundation for the 2008 football season. Fans and alumni are all abuzz after Pitt's shocking 13-9 victory over West Virginia a week and a half ago. Next year shows some promise with freshman running back LeSean McCoy returning as the nucleus of a young and talented team. Lets make our way down to the field where technician Mike Mazzarea is starting a project...

SP, Hey Mike, what do we have here?

MM, Well, Steve, this is an inflatable football helmet.

SP, Ahh yes. Many a great program has one of these.

MM, Yeah Steve, this helmet inflates to a size of 25 by 20 by 30 and turns into a large tunnel for the team to run through out of the actual tunnel.

SP, Fascinating. I've seen many of these on sidelines throughout the country. So what are you doing with it now?

MM, Well, before you inflate some thing like this you need to unravel it. So basically you have to unroll it like a giant roll of wrapping paper. After that, we'll stretch it out so that we can fill it with air and not have any pockets that the air doesn't travel too. Something this size takes roughly 75,000 pounds of air pressure to inflate and you don't want it to start sagging.

SP, Sounds like good stuff. So how many extra wins do you see this baby bringing to the team next year?

MM, Not a one, Steve.

SP.....................what do you mean?

MM, Well, studies have shown that big, inflatable shit like this does very little to improve a team's abilities.

SP, Well, then, why did we order it?

MM, Because you threatened to fire me if I didn't.

SP,....Oh yeah, right. Well it seems to be coming along quite nicely. Lets move along now to the marketing department where Don Mason is working on some great campaigns...

SP, Hey Don, this is looking impressive.

DM, Well, Steve, I'm currently scouring the Internet and looking at other schools' websites for "traditions" to steal. You know, like how we re-named the student section the "12th Man" in 1997, only to conveniently drop the idea when Texas A&M came to town in 2002.

SP, As I recall that worked out well. So, what do we have so far?

DM, Two things, Steve: First of all, Arizona has the catch phrase "Bear Down." We're thinking of simply stealing that. I mean, its their phrase and their mascot is a wildcat. Ours is a panther. I don't see any problem here. Secondly, we're planning on taking Texas's "Hook 'em Horns" hand gesture and making it our own.

SP, Wait a minute..........You now that hand signal makes a steer right?

DM, I am aware, yes.

SP, So why take it?

DM, Because a steer still looks more like a panther than our current logo.

SP, Hey, thats a good point. And these are great ideas that should translate into a lot of wins next year.

DM, Not a chance.

SP, What?..........WHY?

DM, Well, studies have shown that marketing gimmicks provide a lot of smoke and mirrors but not many real victories. Ole Miss called themselves the "Wild Boys" and it didn't do a damn thing for them.

SP, So why are we working on it?

DM, Because you said if I didn't you'd take your car and back...

SP, Well that's all the time we have this week for This Old Pitt. Join us next week when Mike finishes the helmet and we work on "new traditions."

Panther Rants Presents: Nitter of the Week

This week's honoree comes straight from the pages of Sundays Tribune Review. Attacking Pitt players (Dorin Dickerson), soon to be Pitt players (Lucas Nix) and coaches (The 'Stache himself) this Nitter showed his tremendous level of intellect in his letter to the editor (link coming soon).

In the meantime, Click Here and take some time to check out the wonderful TriPod site.

Merchandising rant - December edition

BLAWNOX --Hot off of the heels of Pitt's stunning 13-9 upset of second ranked West Virginia, the athletic department wasted no time in unveiling t-shirts that comemmorate the victory. The shirts (shown on the right) can be purchased at any store for a variety of prices and can be made to have a variety of slogans.

Seriously guys, way to drop the ball on this one. In the previous Pederson era we saw t-shirts to celebrate the final win at Pitt Stadium (over a 5-6 Notre Dame team) and the victory over Penn State in 2000. Yet, when the Panthers upset a team one win way from the BCS Championship, our marketing and merchandising department get a case of the "ahh fuck its." Second rate, folks. Second rate.

And the dumbassery doesn't end there. Despite constant declarations by Jeff Long and Chris Ferris that script Pitt merchandise doesn't sell well, the athletic department continues to release *drumroll* more of it! Yup, that's right. now you can buy a tossle cap or baseball cap (shown left) to go with with the arsenal of golf shirts sweatshirts, t-shirts, hats and than swingin' Johnny Majors jacket.


Actually, if you scour the site close enough you'll discover that the school is currently selling more merchandise with the throwback look than with the newest incarnation of DinoPigCatYellowLabThing. Twenty-nine items with "script Pitt" are currently available on www.shoppittpanthers.com in comparison to about 16 with the new logo.

Of course, this will simply bring out more rhetoric and bullshit from the marketing department. Or, with the most recent athletic director hire, the throwback items will simply vanish from the store and website one day, and store employees will deny that they ever had anything for sale to begin with.

RichRod: That Folgers Commercial Makes Me Cry Every Time . . .

Morgantown, WV --- Fresh from pampering himself with a little bit of “me time” following his team’s crushing loss to the Pitt Panthers on Saturday, Coach Rich Rodriguez emerged from his chrysalis as a refreshed and beautiful butterfly. “I am ready to move on after having my hopes of a national title stolen from me by those Pitt meanies”, Coach Richrod said, choking back tears. “OK. Rich. We promised ourselves that we wouldn’t cry again.”

Coach Rodriguez said that after reaching his team’s high water mark at 7:44 p.m. on Saturday, he was in a little bit of emotional turmoil, culminating in a blubbering press conference during which his crackled voice could barely be heard over the din of the Pitt players celebrating their easier-than-expected win against the Mounties. “After that game, I just hid myself in Haagen-Daz and Diane Gabaldon novels. I guess ice cream and historical romances are my guilty pleasures,” Coach confessed. “ Anyway, yesterday I was watching the “O” when that Folgers commercial came on. You know, the one where the kid hitchhikes home and goes into his parent's house early in the morning, the little girl runs downstairs to greet him and they quietly make Folger's coffee, which wakes up the mom and she comes downstairs and exclaims "Peter!" God, I was like a fountain after that. But you know what? It made me think what was important. Family, that’s what. And that’s what this team is . . . family.” Rodriguez mused.

“I guess the players got wind I was pretty blue and came over and tried to cheer me up. Pat did that “football juggling” thing he’s been working on these past weeks, Steve told me about this game last year when he rushed for over 50 whole yards!, and some of the other players brought over their kids and grandkids. The refs who worked the game even stopped back to extend their condolences and apologies. We all just sat around sort of fantasizing about the day our Prince Charming would come and take us away to a land where hopes and dreams don’t always fall apart. A special, special place where disappointment is a bad word,” Rich recounted. “Whew. . . OK . . . deep breath.”

Pederson Announces Commemoration

Oakland - Newly appointed Athletic Director, Steve Pederson, held his first official press conference today. Fresh off the announcement this past Saturday that he would be returning to Pitt, the administrator bolted to action on Monday morning in his first move back in his old role.

"We're happy to announce that after the second televion timeout during the Pitt-Duquesne game on Wednesday night, we will stopping play to commemorate a great Pitt team. Sophomores Ronald Hastings and Kevin Stultz were recently made it to Commander status on Halo 3. This honor will not go unnoticed by the University at large and we will be pleased to present them with an award for outstanding achievement while on campus."

Enter the Reveling in the Hoopies' Misery Zone

Welcome overjoyed Panther fans to the Factor for this glorious Monday, December 3rd, 2007. I'm your host, and I'm always in my seat 90 minutes before kickoff, especially when we're watching a replay of the 100th Backyard Brawl. Words will do no justice, so instead, we here at Panther Rants leave you with an image for the next week. The Factor will return next Monday to dissect the 2007 season, look ahead to 2008, and ring in Hoops season. Until then, enjoy Panther Nation, you've earned it.

Official Apologizes for "Brain Fart"

MORGANTOWN, W. Va. (PR) – The umpire in last night's Backyard Brawl between the University of Pittsburgh and West Virginia University apologized for two errant holding calls that almost gave the game to the Mountaineers.

After the contest, the official revealed when he entered the field for the game and saw the West Virginia team in maize and blue, he confused them with Michigan. He later admitted he's been studying the Big Ten officials' handbook and noted a section where it states Michigan is to be awarded two game-changing calls if they are in jeopardy of losing. He realized his mistake at game's end then stated it was a classic "brain fart."

The umpire expects to be reprimanded by the Big East Conference but showed no remorse since he has applied for an officiating job with the Big Ten.

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