Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Dinocat to return


PITTSBURGH (PR) – Panther Rants learned today that Dinocat, the fabled logo brainchild of former and current athletic director Steve Pederson, will return.

Dinocat, thought dead and buried in Michael Vick's backyard, the former and much maligned PITT mascot will serve two roles upon his return to the university.

The obvious role will be serving as the secondary logo for the university, a role he filled for years before disappearing last spring. At that time the university tried to cover up Dinocat's disappearance with what could only be described as a hyena-dog.

"I'm not even sure what the fuck that thing was," Dinocat told Panther Rants in an interview from his Squirrel Hill estate. "It looked like some kind of fucking pig or Wisconsin cheerleader."

The big news is that Dinocat will now serve as the Panthers new defensive coordinator, replacing Paul Rhoads who announced on Monday that he had accepted the same position at Auburn. Dinocat has no coaching experience, but he doesn't expect that to hinder his ability to be effective in his new role.

"Well, fuck, that moron Rhoads did it and somehow managed to land himself a gig paying $400,000 with one of the top programs in the country's most prestigious conference," Dinocat said. "Seriously, I was here from 2003 through 2006. I saw those fucking defenses. I could sleep through the fucking game and not be any worse. I could drink like Matt Cavanugh and do at least as well as Rhoads did."

Contacted via telepathic interview, head coach Dave Wannstedt said he's excited about his new hire.

"We figured, 'What the hell?'" Wannstedt said. "If keeping Rhoads around for three years wasn't an indication of how much we give a shit about our defensive coordinator, I don't know what more we could. It's my defense. I just need a trained monkey to follow orders."

Asked about his mysterious disappearance, Dinocat said he couldn't get into the specifics - mostly because he can't recall large chunks of time.

"The reports about me getting into drugs and dog fighting are all true," he said. "One day last spring I decided to visit the campus, I started hitting the blow and smack pretty hard. Next thing I knew I wake up in Mobile bay with a couple of coeds asking me 'Dino, how do we get back to campus?' I flipped a quarter and told them to call the bus company.

"From there I made some rounds. I stopped by Arkansas to see my old friend Razorback. God love 'em, he's a great guy, but dumb as a brick. I managed to convince him that they should hire that prick (Jeff) Long. After that, I went out to Nebraska and hung out with my old buddy Stevie P. When he got canned I bummed a ride from him back to the 'Burgh and here I am."

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

So do we spend another few hundred thousand dollars to put Dinocat back on the floor at the Pete's entrance?

In My Seat 90 Minutes Before Kickoff said...

We spend whatever it takes to put that beauty back in our lives!

vito said...

I heard Dinocat has bolted and told Stevie P to shove it up his ass!

Yeti said...

And I just got Dinocat lazered off of my ass.

River_City_Rivalry_Champs said...

The part about the logo change, according to our sources, is true. It was a crappy logo, but a damn sight better than the fucking hyena-pig-dog.

As for the defensive coordinator's position, you can expect Panther Rants will have the most complete coverage of the search.

JM II said...

Are you serious? I can't believe it's another logo change so fast.

Anonymous said...

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