Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

2014 College Football Munson Rankings: Week 7

Most of you college football fans have gone from hope for your team's great season to having nothing left but to root against your bitter rival, or revel in someone else's pain.  Some of you root for schools who really have no chance, so you really just root against people you hate the most.  And some of you are just straight up miserable bastards.

For those of you who may fit into one of those categories or have different reasons, I decided to cut through the crap and just rank team's based on their Munsonness.  That is, their ability to screw things up despite having the ability to be successful.  I'll use some liberal definitions for the top 25 rankings but you'll get the idea.  So let's go through our rankings after week 6 of games.

#25:  University of Kansas:  I know you aren't a football school.  We all get that you're really just trying to field a serviceable team so you can maintain membership status in a conference that will allow your basketball team to compete.  But Charlie Weiss?  And you didn't fire him in the off-season and bring him back, only to fire him a month into the season.  You had some momentum after Mangino; but now look at you.  Sad.

#24:  UMass:  At first glance, they don't seem like a school who had it going for them but then screwed up.  But they did.  They were doing just fine in I-AA/whatever the acronym is now.  It's a state that cares more about Ted Williams' head being on ice than football.  In fact, college football comes in just after curling for these guys.  "Hey, let's bump up to D-1, play in a conference full of midwestern dopes and hope it goes well."  Well, it hasn't.  You're 0-6 and probably losing more money than it's worth.

#23:  Washington State:  You're the PAC-12 redneck school.  In fact, the only real one.  You can get any redneck recruit in the entire pacific time zone.  And there are low expectations.  I actually commend you for trying something different with Mike Leach but you're obviously cursed.  Hire an exorcist, not a football coach.

#22:  Boise State:  Blue grass isn't so cool when you aren't winning.  You had a good thing going; then you got cocky and your boy-genius left you.  And you weren't prepared.  For shame!

#21:  Pitt:  3-0, then 3-3 after this week.  Losing to a school who's fans take pride in dressing up for a football game (UVA) is unacceptable.

#20:  Stanford:  You had a good time there for a few years.  Yeah, it was great.  The smart kid getting the hot chics.  Now, you're just an annoying nerd again.  Congrats.

#19:  Maryland:  I don't even know where to start.  Such a disaster.  A veritable cornucopia of imbecilic management.  You can't even get the good kids from the best DC school, which is one mile away, to take official visits.  Losing to UNC at home by 6 isn't quite the same as getting gang-raped by Ohio State at home, now is it?

#18:  Uconn:  Just a few years ago you get to a BCS bowl.  Then, for reasons unknown, you hire Paul Pasqualoni.  I don't even know who the coach is now and I don't care.  You're 1-4 in whatever that D2 conference you're in.  Don't act as if you don't have the money to compete, either.  Cheap bastards.

#17:  Virginia Tech:  We should pull all of our best scientists right now.  The ones studying cancer, lasers, cheap dick pills, etc.  Move them all over to a giant institute to figure you out.  Sadly, they would not find success.  #goiter.

#16:  Oklahoma:  Welcome to the rankings.  We think you'll be rising rapidly.

#15:  Miami, FL:  I really think you've got a great chance to finish in the top 5 this year.  We just need one more scandal and a few more losses.  Do us proud.

#14:  North Carolina:  See Miami.  I put you ahead of them simply because you seem to act as if you're above all of this.  Arrogant bitches.

#13:  UCLA:  "Hey, I had the world by the tail and blew another terrible lead and will finish the season smoking meth outside the Holiday Bowl.  Yayyyy!!!"

#12:  Wisconsin:  If you're Wisconsin and you lose to Northwestern, then you Muson'ed hard-core.

#11:  Colorado:  Many of you will say, "that's way to high for CU."  No it's not.  Not even close.  This school has everything going for it, including legal weed.  You'd think they'd get every recruit they wanted.  You'd think it wouldn't be that hard to at least come close to what they did with McCartney.  But they can't.  Not even close.  Your biggest, and last win of, the year, was against a Hawaii team who literally said, "We don't care if we play football or not."

#10:  Alabama:  Everything was going so great.  It really was.  The multiple national championships. All-Americans.  And then you Kiffin'ed.  And guess what happens when you Kiffen?  You lose to Ole Miss because your offense sucks.  If you were a stock in the Munson stock exchange, you'd be a solid "buy."

#9:  Penn State:  Didn't even play this week but you're in the top 10.  Just like Wisconsin, you get ranked for losing to Northwestern.  But there are just so many other reasons to have you on this list.  The jokes are too easy...for now.

#8:  Florida:  Sitting at 3-1 isn't bad.  It's just the way you've done it.  You're Florida.  University of Florida.  You are getting stomped in your backyard, in every category, by a guy named Jimbo.

#7:  Oregon:  Let's have a real discussion:  Oregon isn't the flashiest state or have the best players.  However, they are essentially Nike University.  They have the resources to get anything they want.  That is, except a national championship.  Oregon is the kid in school whose dad is really rich.  But he still can't get a decent chic to go out with him, doesn't get the best grades, and dresses like a tranny.

#6:  Georgia:  You might be the ultimate Munson.  All the great recruiting classes.  The weight rooms, the campus, etc.  Everything is in your favor, except winning when it counts.

#5:  Florida State:  Yes, you are undefeated.  Yes, you may win the national championship.  And yes, Jameis Winston will be working at car wash in 3 years or less.  This is a team that has everything going for it, with a  terrible schedule and they look as if they can lose to anyone, any given week.

#4:  Louisiana State:  Eating grass and going for it on 4th and 19 is super cool when you win.  When it's not, you're just a dumb cow.  We're all looking forward to the epic matchup against Florida to tell us the school who has the true heart of Munson.

#3:  Southern California:  You fire Kiffen for a just as stupid ex-coordinator.  You lose to Boston College?  Ok - we all make mistakes.  But that effort on the hail Mary defending ASU shows you the heart that team has under Sark.  Good luck for the next 3 years until you can actually fire him.

#2:  Texas:  You might finish the season #1.  You're TX:  the biggest and, by far, the most loved team in the most football-crazed state.  And this is the best you can do?  Don't tell me about Mack Brown and what he screwed up.  You still have more talent than almost anyone on the schedule.  And Charlie Strong wasn't even close to the best coach you could've gotten.

#1:  Michigan:  This situation right now is the definition of Munson.  You are #1 and will probably run the rest of the season.  The best reason is that not only will the head coach go down, but probably the Athletic Director.  Giving away free tickets for buying a soda?  This is simply as fun to watch as many of us have ever witnessed in college football.  Congrats.


Anonymous said...

Would it be possible to take this blog over?

Anonymous said...

Temple is Todd Graham's dream job!!!!

Temple 21

Neuter Dame 19