Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

We got your gameday experience right here

It has com to the attention of the damn near inert staff at Panther Rants (we're coming back short, but we've been really busy lately. While we blogged during football season the sink got clogged with dirty dishes, and then the toilet became straight up clogged, then the girlfriend got pissed that all we did was blog so we had to spend time with her....and, well you get the idea...what the hell were we talking about? Oh yeah)...

It's come to our attention that the University of Pittsburgh's athletic department is fielding suggestions to make the game day experience more worth experiencing (you know, so that the marketing department can immediately take the suggestions and say, "hey, shit, that won't work," and discard them like they do with most suggestions. But we digress) Our first suggestion would be to sell not only beer throughout the stadium, but also provide pot, crack, coke and LSD as well. That way the fights in the stands during a blowout game could at least be interesting.

Realizing that our university (not to mention the state's Attorney General) would want no part of this, we proudly present Exhibit A, courtesy of our friends in the Fat 10 conference at the University of Fatconsin-Fatison campus.

For years, the Badgers have been playing "jump around" at the end of the third quarter. And dammit, it looks like they're having a ball doing it by the looks of this video. We recommend that Pitt do something similar. Pick a tune that students and fans alike can sing a long to and pump that baby up.

Problem is, given our city's crapy taste in music ("Yeah, dis 'DVE? Can yinz get on sum Tin Lizzy? Tanks n' at") and our athletic department's horrible taste in, well, pretty much everything, we're worried about what song would be chosen. Reliable sources are reporting Smokey Robinson's "Tears of a Clown" and "If I Could Turn Back Time" by Cher are currently the favorites.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Big Cat History: Mary, Queen of Spots

Mary I (popularly known as Mary, Queen of Spots, mistakenly also known as "Mary, Queen of Scots") (8 December 1542 – 8 February 1587) was Queen of Spots (the monarch of the Kingdom of Scotland) from 14 December 1542 to 24 July 1567. A leopard, she hid her identity by refusing to be photographed. All depictions of her were by the royal artists, who had to sign a strict confidentiality pact and agree to portray her simply as a human female with slightly feline features. She was also the queen consort of France from 10 July 1559 to 5 December 1560. After a long period of protective custody in England, she was tried and executed for treason following her involvement in three plots to assassinate Elizabeth I of England and place herself on the throne. She was the last member of the big cat family to rule any of the royal kingdoms.