Dave Wannstedt: This Time It's Personal

Another season of Pitt Football is winding down and this time, it's personal. It's personal for Pitt fans, alumni, boosters, donors, etc. It's personal for Ron Cook, Kevin Gorman, Paul Zeise, Bob Smizik. It's personal for the Pitt Blogosphere. As for us here? Hell it gives us plenty of writing material to go on if we ever got off our lazy behinds to write.

One Question about all of this: Why is everyone taking this season so personal? I mean what were you expecting? Have you paid attention to this program since Wannstedt was hired? Here's all you need to know....and I learned this from the Sun Bowl in 2009 (Which took myself some time to get over):

Seasons under Dave Wannstedt either BEGIN in disaster or END in disaster. Let's look at the tale of the tape.....

2005: Pitt coming off a BCS Bowl with a share of the Big East title. Nationally ranked with most of the returning cast from the year before. Pitt gets donkey punched on National TV from Jabba the Hut. They lose to Ohio the next week, Let's not forget the 7-6 debacle in Nebraska.

Verdict: Began in disaster

2006: Start out 6-1. Pitt drops a big game against Rutgers. Blows a 31-17 at UConn by running Larod Stephens up the middle on just about every other play. Pitt loses out and misses another bowl game.

Verdict: Ended in disaster

2007: Pitt opens the season by losing their starting quarterback, Bill Stull, to injury. They have to chose between Kevan Smith and Pat Bostick. Bostick eventually becomes the starter. Pat had issues....no mobility, lack of arm strength, and no experience. Pitt limps to a 4-7 record before "13-9".

Verdict: Began in disaster

2008: Pitt loses to Bowling Green...recovers to finish 9-3....to get their first bowl game since January 2005. Pitt would lose two of their next three. One loss would cost them the BE title. The other a 3-0 loss in the Sun Bowl.

Verdict: Ended in disaster. You can make the case for both, but the Bowling Green loss didn't sting as much as the 3-0 game....or the Cincy Game which costed Pitt the BE title.

2009: Pitt starts out 9-1....drops their last two to WVU and Cincy. The Cincy loss stung the most as Pitt squandered a 31-10 lead.

Verdict: Ended in disaster

2010: Pitt nationally ranked, BE Favorite, and a clear path to the BE title. Pitt goes 2-3 in non-conference with losses to Utah, Miami, and ND. Starts out 4-0 in Big East play before dropping the next two.

Verdict - It began in disaster and it's about to end in disaster as well.

So there you have it. So again, why get worked up over this season? It's no different from any other season Pitt has had. There's always some catastrophe waiting to balance things out when things are going really well. It's Pitt Football...It's who we are.....and It's what we endure.

Wannstedt Receives Praise

Blawnox - Pitt Head Football Coach received a strange call at approximately 6am this morning. On the other end was none other than the legendary professional bowler, "Big Ern" McCracken. "I never expected a call that early in the morning," confessed Coach Wannsedt, "but I'll take any positive news I can get."

McCracken commented. "Listen, I'm in Vegas for a big match. The girls and I are up late drinking Tanqueray and Tab, ya know. We're having a good time with some high rollers. We're laying some money on games for tomorrow when I see the highlights from yesterday. And damn if that Pitt game wasn't the Munson of the year."

Wannstedt stated, "I have no idea who or what a Munson award is, but it sure sounds good to me. I knew a guy named Munson once; he worked third shift at the mill and he was a great guy. We used to get some Irons after a shift and sometimes sneak in some cole slaw and fish sandwiches. Heckuva guy."

McCracken continued, "Wannstedt on that sideline, running his hands through his hair, screwing up in a big moment when he had the world by the tail, just made my heart warm thinking of my buddy Roy. Well, Roy can't really run his fingers through his hair because he doesn't have hair or fingers, ha! Ha-ha! Alright reporter guy, I have some needy single mothers to take care of..."

Pitt Players Arrested After UConn Game

The hits just keep coming for the Pitt Football program. They have had three players arrested for incidents that happened off the field. This time, it's on the field. Several members of Pitt's defense were arrested for sexually assaulting UConn running back Jordan Todman.

Among those arrested were Max Gruder, Greg Williams, and Dom DeCicco. Pitt's Athletic Department has declined comment at this time. Jordan Todman can't be reached for comment as the UConn Athletic Department has said that he is "still running". Panther Rants talked with the local Law Enforcement and they released this statement:

"We are still gathering information on the reported incidents. We need to reach Jordan, but we've heard he is running somewhere. As for the sexual assaults that took place, we can't tell if the three Pitt linebackers accused were either trying to tackle Jordan or if they were dry-humping him."

Panther Rants will keep you updated as this story unfolds.

Fishmouth Gobbles Orange

Syracuse - Starved Pitt fans had been waiting almost 11 months to see their team with a complete game victory. Thankfully for them, this past weekend saw Coach Fishmouth hooking the competition instead of being hooked.

Wannstedt commented after the game, "We came up here to Syracuse expecting the Orange to put forth some kind of effort and I guess they just didn't feel like bothering." When asked for comment, Cuse coach Marrone stated, "What Fishmouth said is true. Did you see our gameplan? We wrote it on a napkin 10 minutes before the game. In fact, it was the same plays we run the first 2 days of summer camp to just get the kids going. Nothing fancy and no scheming. We figured Pitt had given up on the year."

Syracuse players commented afterwards. "Did you see Pitt against Miami, FIU, Notre Dame? Did it look as if we needed to practice anything? We put a hurtin' on Colgate and figured that's all it'd take. Coach Marrone said to not worry about it because he said Wannstedt is dumb and won't make any changes to what they've been doing."

Pitt was led by QB, Tino Sunseri, who had his best game as a collegiate. "It was really nice to be able to just stand wherever I wanted and throw the ball. I wish Miami and Utah would have given me a fair shot like the Orange did. I was able to miss on some pretty easy throws on first or second down and then on third down, they were nice enough to leave one guy open short for me to throw to. Honestly, I'm feeling pretty good because not just anyone can complete wide open 10 yard throws with no pass rush. Look at Bostick for god's sakes - he can't."

Coach Marrone finished the interview by stating that he was disappointed in his team's lack of preparation. "I guess I have to take some responsibility; you really have to try to lose to Pitt this year and we just didn't get it done."

Nonetheless, the day a total loss for the Syracuse fans exiting the stadium. "Hey, did you see Express? Great movie, great movie! Did you know that we were real good in the early 60's. And Marvin Harrison!!!" Several Cuse fans were seen masturbating to McPherson highlight videos being played on the stadium's concourse.

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Pitt to Announce Bobble Head Promotion

(PR) Blawnox - The University of Pittsburgh is set to announce a new bobblehead promotion for some of its upcoming games. According to our sources inside the Athletic Department, Steve Pederson, in conjunction with Play-it-Again Sports is set to unveil special bobble heads featuring Pitt Football players.

The first two of the series feature Pitt quarterback, Billy Stull. This also clears up the questions as to why Billy inherited the starting qb job. "We would look pretty silly as an athletic department; if our featured bobble heads would represent someone holding a clipboard." Pederson stated. "We just had to go with Stull, too much money would have been lost."

The first figure will be handed out to the first 10,000 fans for the Pitt vs Navy game on September 19th. Following the game a concert by the Pittsburgh All-Star Band, featuring Donnie Iris, Scott Blasey, Bill Deasey, Joe Grusheky and others will take place. Also, a Zambelli fireworks display will be set off for the throngs of fans immediately after, barring any 8mph wind gusts.

The first figure represents Bill as a relatively quiet student. This also shows his clean cut qualities.

The second one, set to launch on October 10th for homecoming will feature Bill "B-Man" Stull in more of an urban style.

Panther Rants are excited for these collectibles and we're sure the Pitt Faithful will find a nice place on the mantle for their figures as well.

Pitt Fans With Speech Impediment Ruin Opening Day

Heinz Field -

Pitt's opening day 2009 started with much fanfare and excitement. The Panthers are coming off their best season in decades and looking to build fan support for new and exciting squad.

However, the cheers turned to "boos" early in in the contest as Pitt fans let the starting quarterback, Bill Stull, hear their frustrations. Or did they...?

Silently for the past 6 months, Pitt Athletic Director, Steve Pederson, has been reaching out to his favorite charity, ASHA (American Speech-Language Hearing Association). The AD commented, "We decided to form a partnership and support ASHA this year. After years of Wlat Harris as Head Coach and his lisp, and now Coach Wannstedt and his broken Pittsburghese, we felt that it was natural to stand behind this silent killer of a disease known to most as a speech impediment."

And Pederson's plan worked great. Over 20,000 tickets were distributed to individuals in the region that suffer from speech impediment, namely those with difficulty pronouncing "L's." The AD continued, "This particular segment of the association just really was behind Pitt football. They're loud and really cheer for the team. Most hail from either the Seton La-Salle area or Youngstown so they were really excited to see their hometown boy, quarterback Bill Stull."

Unfortunately, that's when things turned ugly. Casual fans heard the boos throughout the stadium as Stull entered the field. However, the group was merely trying to say, "Bill!!!!," but due to the affliction, all anyone heard was, "booo!!!" [Note: The author encourages you to try saying "Bill" w/out your tongue and hear what it sounds like]

After the game, ASHA area president, Lilly Littleton said, "I just can not beweeve this happened to our Booey Stuooo. We ruv Booey so much and now he is huwt and sad aww because of us and our damn wwwwisp." Pederson also commented, "That Ron Cook in the PG today, he got it all wrong. Poor journalism as usual from that guy. These people called out to Stull all game to show their support and unfortunately, it was taken the wrong way. Needless to say, we're holding a tutorial for them before the next home game where we just encourage them to say "Go Pitt!" Not even Wlat could get that one wrong....wait, is that recorder still on...hey...where you going!!??"