Women of Pittsburgh Given Evacuation Notice

The City of Pittsburgh, Allegheny County, and all surrounding counties has issued an evacuation notice to all "yinzer" women between the ages of 25-40. This comes from a recent article from the AP of Iowa farmers abusing pigs. A video from the article can be found here. This matter is being investigated.

A separate investigation has been conducted in Iowa where the world's largest truck stop is located. Rumors that men in University of Iowa apparel were seen loading up eighteen-wheelers full of Camel Cigarettes and cases of beer from Coors Light to Michelob Ultra. Pittsburgh women loves this kind of beer because it helps them with weight loss...or so they say. They also like to smoke as well.

The city fears the women may be lured in because the Iowa Hawkeyes apparel is similar to the apparel of the Pittsburgh Steelers. The women may think it's a Steeler home game where Iowa fans will lure this type of prey into their big rigs:


The City of Pittsburgh released this statement:

"The women of Pittsburgh ages 25-40 are to known that the recent incidents involving Iowa farmers abusing pigs may involve them. We set the age limit to twenty-five because that's when yinzer women start going downhill. We have a fear they may be lured by the black and gold of Iowa. Who knows what may happen to them, but maybe we can replace them with more hot chicks. Be sure to notify any yinzer women in the area. Some may be obese, some may wear shirts too sizes too small exposing that beer gut from all the light beer they like to drink. "

Wanny's World

West Leisenring, PA (PR) Welcome to the initial installment of Wanny’s World, a mostly excellent, party time. We caught up with the stached man himself hanging out in West Leisenring at the Volunteer Fire Hall.

What brings you out to Fayette County, especially West Leisenring?

I kind of wanted to get out and experience Fayette County. It is the closest thing to Iowa and I wanted to get in the right frame of mind for Saturday’s battle. What better way but go to a small community in Fayette County. It has everything that Iowa has. Farmers, corn, cattle and tough economic times.

You could have picked a million places in Fayette County, why West Leisenring?

They have a strong contingent of Pitt faithful out there, they have suffered losses more catastrophic than Ohio or Bowling Green and I like the food the fire department serves. I am not allowed to talk about the fish sandwiches any more so don’t bother asking.

Speaking of food then, what's the pre-game meal?

Corn on the cob, baby back ribs and steaks. We are going to try to beef up a little this week and decided that like, Iowans; we will eat the hell out of some corn on the cob.

On Changes with personnel:

Not too many changes. Obviously if the right situation occurs we would like to get some more snaps for Lucas Nix, Jonathan Baldwin and Greg Cross.

Translation: If it’s the third Saturday of the month and a lunar eclipse occurs during the game, Nix may see 4 plays this week. Baldwin will see 6 plays and Greg Cross may get onto the field for one play. If not don’t expect to see anything new.

On his 0-5 record after a bye week:

Wow! I’ve been that bad? I am not sure how to explain that. I know we put a lot of emphasis on different packages and we always practice well. Hell, we are undefeated in practice so I am not sure why we have not won a game after a bye. Hopefully, that changes this Saturday.

On facing another coach with Western PA roots:

Well, Kirk is kind of like me. He doesn’t like change, is making a lot of money being mediocre and he too loves fish sandwiches and IC Light.

On opening up the offense more:

We put some nice packages in against Iowa but the key is turnovers. I have always said it’s all about turnovers. We don’t have to score 45 points a game if we don’t turn the ball over. We can win 7-3 against Iowa or any team for that matter.

On NFL coaches not playing conservative any more and offenses scoring more and more:

That’s just a fad; remember my days as DC with Dallas? It was always about being smart and conservative. We just didn’t have to take risks. It worked well for us. I don’t care that it was almost 20 years ago. We put in what we call the Goldberg package this week. And that’s all I’ll say about that!

On Buddy’s training this week:

Well, we had the boys push tractors up a hill, we had them roll fire hoses and wash 3 fire trucks. We are ready. I just want to send a thank you for the hospitality that the West Leisenring VFD showed us this week.

Good Luck Coach, you’ll need it.

Half-Assed Pitt-Iowa Preview

Pitt and Iowa will play on Saturday for the first time since 1952. Panther Rants brings you a preview of this exciting matchup.

Scouting Iowa

Iowa is coming off an exciting 17-5 victory against their in-state rival, Iowa State. There are reasons for a network like the Big Ten's. It's so games like this aren't hogging up precious air time on ESPN/ABC. Instead, we're subjected to Penn State-Syracuse.

Kirk Ferentz has coached Iowa as Big Ten Co-champs twice. The last title came in 2004 and it's been downhill since. Kirk could have left when his stock was high, but he is happy that his team is like the rest of teams in the Big Ten after Ohio State and Michigan: afterthoughts.

We hear Iowa runs a similar offense to what Pitt runs. This means the game should be a sleeper. Iowa is in midst of a QB derby between Ricky Stanzi and Jake Christensen. They have a running game led by Shonn Green.

On defense, they have yet to allow their opposition to score more than five points. Scratch that, they took a safety in the ISU game.

Scouting Pitt

Pitt comes off a bye week after playing two powerhouses from the MAC Conference. This game is pretty much a must win. Hell every game for them is a must win.

Dave Wannstedt is from Pittsburgh as like Ferentz. This means we'll see similar philosophies come Saturday unless Iowa's offensive coordinator has more imagination than Pitt's.

Pitt's offense is led by quarterback Bill Stull who has mastered the five yard pass play. They have a backfield of LeSean McCoy and Conredge Collins. McCoy has yet to break 100 yards and if the offense is the same as it has been since the first two games, it's not going to be any better for him. Pitt's offensive line can't block either.

Pitt's defense likes to rush four and let the others sit back and take the rest of the punishment. We may see some blitzing, but I wouldn't get your hopes up.

Key Matchups

Pitt D-Line vs. Iowa O-Line - Iowa's offensive line is bigger which is like almost any other Big Ten Offensive line. This means you'll see Pitt rotating their linemen like the Raiders rotate head coaches. It would be pretty comical to see if Pitt blitzes a linebacker like Austin Ransom. They might need the smelling salts when the play is over. If Iowa controls the line of scrimmage, they will pretty much jam the ball down Pitt's throat.


Pitt O-line vs. Iowa D-line - Iowa has some height and size on their defensive line. Pitt's offensive line had issues blocking MAC defenses which means this won't be any easier. Look for Joe Thomas to hand out free passes to the backfield. If Stull can't get time to throw, the running backs won't have it any better.


Pitt WR/TE vs. Iowa Secondary/Linebackers - Iowa has height at cornerback which means Oderick Turner will need to make a better effort in catching the football. Dorin Dickerson and Nate Byham will be greeted by Jeremiha Hunter and friends.

Iowa Passing Game vs. Pitt's defensive backfield - Iowa's QB's weren't impressive last week. Pitt could be risky and rush more than four. This way, we could actually see them force more turnovers for once. Pitt's smaller at CB than Iowa is at wide receiver. Iowa could use the height advantage.


Overall: This could be a close low-scoring game, or Iowa could just wear Pitt out and run the ball all game to victory. If Pitt can't move the ball against a confident Iowa defense, they're screwed.

The SLAP 10!

10. Syracuse

It really couldn't get any worse for Syracuse. They should be thankful Penn State pulled their starters out after the first quarter. Syracuse and Pitt will be a matchup to look forward to. We get to see which coaching staff out-dumbs each other.

9. Washington

It couldn't get any worse for you guys either. You lose to BYU on a blocked extra point. Before that, you get flagged for excessive celebration. This past weekend, you get clocked by Oklahoma. Looks like Ty Willingham will be sending out resumes pretty soon.

8. Rutgers

The Scarlet O' Hara's fifteen minutes of fame are gone with the wind. Two straight home losses. Fresno State gave Wisky a game so that loss doesn't hurt as much. Then you're routed by North Carolina. Looks like Rutgers is re-living their glory days. It gets better the next two games. You get Navy and Morgan State. No need to give the middle finger to the camera people anytime soon. You can just heckle Navy like you did last year.

7. Kansas

Plenty of time left. You're moving the ball and maybe headed to field goal range. Instead, you take a shot at the deep ball and South Florida ends up in field goal range. Not to mention you blew a ten point lead. Oh well, this game saves the Fatgino's the sting of getting routed by Oklahoma in the Big 12 Championship.

6. Auburn/Miss. State

3-2 game. One field goal. That's all you got was one damn field goal?!? This makes the 2004 PSU-Iowa game look like a shootout.

5. Purdue

Games like these are why we'll miss Joe Tiller when he's gone.

4.Pac-10

Bad weekend for you guys. Six teams in your conference lost. Shame the whole Big East didn't play this weekend, or you wouldn't be on this list. USC will sleepwalk through the conference. Hell they should just give USC the title now.

3 UCLA

After an emotional win against Tennessee, you guys bitch it up badly against BYU. Worst loss in a long time. Not much else needs to be said.

2. Rich Rodriguez

Looks like you're on your way out the door. It's only been three games. When you're only offensive weapon is Rudy-lookalike, you have issues. You're running your WVU offense with a personnel that doesn't seem to be a good fit for it. Penn State will be ending their losing streak against you. Ohio State may wipe the floor against you. Hell, you might be bowl-less for this season. If WVU bitches it up, you can always go back there. Well maybe not...they hate you.

1. Ohio State

For days, we were subjected to the endless advertising of the "Collision at the Coliseum"! There was a collision. More like a bug against a windshield. Ohio State reminds us of the Buffalo Bills of the early 90's. You're so good, that no one can beat you...in your conference. Then you play a big game against a good team from a power conference on a big stage...and you...well...can't win. Now that this game is over and Michigan stinking, we won't be subjected to endless advertising of the OSU-Michigan game months before the game is actually played.

You're Drinking LIVE!

LOS ANGELES, Calif. (PR) – Folks, last night's tO$U-U$C game came with the added hilarity of the Brent Musberger Drinking Game. For those who have never undertaken this drowning of emotions/intuitions/motor skills, it’s not just a game. It’s a quest.

The evening began with Pitt Outsider East reporting for Panther Rants from the press box at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. With the legendary announcer/alcoholic sitting to his left (making East the "Pardner"), East was inspired and grabbed some beverages. He and Pitt Outsider West, along with an unsuspecting Pitt accomplice, communicated via the fiduciary outlets of cell phones and the internet to uphold the sacred laws that govern the game that is Brent Musberger and alcohol.

One of the first things realized during the evening was the original list of Musberger drinking rules was not nearly as exhaustive as it could be. Being young and ambitious (or dumb and full of cum), we decided to add such Musberger classics as “a penalty flag” and any unnecessary exclamations (such as “WOW!”) to the rules. Keep in mind, playing the game as is wreaks havoc on one’s bladder well enough. Well, our health be damned.

Throughout the evening, we noticed the most-oft utilized Brentism’s were “folks,” “hold on,” and “a penalty flag” which resulted in countless chugs of beer and fierce belching from all parties involved. Our Pitt friend made great mention of the fact that Musberger alluded to Terrelle Pryor as the “Young Pryor,” thus falling under Rule 11 as a pet name. Speaking of “ism’s,” our Pitt friend alluded to USC’s conservative 2-minute drill towards the end of the 1st half as being a “Cavism” alluding to Pitt’s fearless Offensive Coordinator Matt Cavanaugh. We couldn’t agree more.

The 2nd half to tO$U-U$C and Musberger was delayed by the hilarious, ridiculous Auburn-Mississippi State game. Pitt Outsider East called Pitt Outsider West and both broke into uncontrollable, pants-pissing laughter upon switching to ESPN2. In a 9 inning pitcher’s duel, the Auburn Tigers pulled away with a 3-2 victory over the MSU Bulldogs in Starkville, MS. The best part was Auburn taking a knee three times to preserve the victory.

While the tO$U-U$C game on the field was pretty much over, the Brent game was far from it. In one stretch, 3 “folks” 2 “friends” and a “Number Two” Pryor pet name resulted in an all-out chug from all parties participating. Fortunately, the Brent onslaught subsided once USC pulled Mark Sanchez in the 4th.

With the final seconds ticking away on this 35-3 Trojan shellacking, and with a dwindling supply of beer and cerebral orientation, we were thought to be in the clear. Brent must've sensed our pain, prompting more Musberger euphemisms prior to sending it back to John Saunders in New York (roughly 4 “folks,” 2 “friends,” and one "pardner", plus the John Saunders).

At the end of the evening, drunk and disoriented, our love of the Brent couldn’t have been more fervent. The same, however, cannot be said for our livers. They were "not pleased."

tO$U/U$C Halftime Show Preview

LOS ANGELES, Calif. (PR) – While here in the press box at the Coliseum during the first half of this evening's match-up between Ohio $tate and $outhern Cal, Panther Rants obtained this exclusive photo from The Best Damn Band in the Land's practice this week in Columbus. This drill will be used during their halftime show tonight.


More to come later after our Brent Musberger drinking game concludes. Enjoy the second half, folks!

Iowa: "We wish we were Pittsburgh"

BLAWNOX (PR) - In a strange turn of events this week, the entire corn shucking fanbase of Iowa is looking past today's rivalry game with Iowa State, instead focusing on what they're calling a "return to our roots" in Pittsburgh next week.

Panther Rants was stunned to learn of this development so the staff telepathically contacted legendary Iowa Coach Hayden Fox to get his insights.

PR: Coach Fox, thanks for giving us some time. How are you enjoying retirement?

HF: It's Fry, thank you, and I'm enjoying retirement.

PR: You'll get the fries we promised after the interview. First, we'd like to know how Dauber's doing these days?

HF: Who? I think you've got me confused with someone ...

Editorial note: Coach Fox is nearing his 90s and has only slightly better mental capacities than Joe Paterno

PR: Nevermind. Let's move on to why we're speaking with you today. Coach, what's the deal with Iowa fans saying next week's trip to Pittsburgh is a return to their roots? We know they're a bunch of midwestern goobers, but we just can't see the connection. You're the most successful coach in the school's history, and you're from Texas. So we're having trouble making the connection.

HF: Well, you see, in the late 70s we at Iowa came to the realization that we had no real tradition of our own, so we were looking for a way to fix that as quickly as possible. The timing couldn't have worked out any better. We're black and gold, just like the Steelers who are clearly the most recognized football team at any level. So we stole their uniforms and slapped our logo on them.


PR: So, in lieu of being able to create your own football tradition as an annual also ran in the Fat Ten, you decided to just steal someone else's identity?

HF: Yep, and it worked, too. Our jersey sales went through the roof as many confused Steelers fans bought our jersey thinking it was a Steelers jersey. And in 1982, our games drew record television audiences as many people thought they were watching the Steelers getting some work in during the strike. It's been great for us and gave us some instant recognition.

PR: But, coach, wouldn't you rather that your program develop its own identity?

HF: Well, of course. But how the hell do you expect to develop any kind of national recognition when you're a half-assed program playing out in the middle of nowhere? Iowa isn't Texas. People there are more excited by the corn harvest than opening kickoff. We saw other benefits, too. The Steelers uniforms ... I mean, our new uniforms raised our national profile so well that we were able to recruit some athletes from outside the state. That meant we weren't losing guys for a month when they had to go home and help with the harvest. That led to us winning a few Fat Ten titles.

PR: You're serious?

HF: Hell yeah I'm serious. We even have four - well I guess five, now - Lombardi Trophy replicas in our football offices. What the hell, right? If you're going to sell out what little history and tradition you have, you may as well go all the way.

PR: ....

HF: By the way, what the hell happened to Pitt's uniforms?

PR: Let's not get into that, coach.

HF: Seriously. Are you Navy? Notre Dame? Maybe you should knock off the Rams uniforms.

PR: Do you know Chris Ferris? Well, anyway, coach, while we have you here, what made you leave Iowa for Minnesota State? Was leaving the Screaming Eagles for the Orlando Breakers as much of a mistake as it seemed from the outside? How's coach Van Dam doing these days?

HF: What? Huh?

PR: That's OK coach, we understand this is all probably a little bit too much excitement for you. What kind of fries do you want? McDonald's? Burger King?

HF: No, my last name is ... aw hell, just give me the McDonald's fries.