Pitt Administrators Get Intoxicated, Hire Rube from OK

Pittsburgh -

University of Pittsburgh Administrators have had a tough 2 months. In early December 2010, they decided to fire beloved Head Football Coach, Dave Wannstedt. A tumultuous press conference led to fan outrage. Nonetheless, the bold Athletic Director, Steve Pederson, faced the crowd and declared that Pitt was going in a new direction.

Fast forward two weeks later when Pederson, unilaterally, hired a guy who forgot that the term "wife beater" was not literal. Mike Haywood was summarily fired on January 1, 2011, leaving Pederson and the rest of Pitt's administration on the job hunt again.

This incident led to the formation of a "Search Committee" for the next Head Football Coach. Administrators Pederson, Sanft, Cochran, and Chancellor Nordenberg were all in-charge of finding the man to lead Pitt football in 2011 and beyond.

All was well until the committee hit a snag. That is, there are 4 members and no one to cast a deciding vote.

Sanft commented, "Listen, we were really stressed out. All of us were putting in 4 hour days and were totall spent. Do you know how many people in Academia work 4 hours in January??!?! No one! No one even comes close to half that."

Cochran agreed. "The room was filled with stress and smoke. The smoke was really just from a leaky gasket in the Cathedral sewage but let me tell you, we were stressed from that smell. And then to pick a coach...again? It was too much. We needed help."

Help arrived after a savvy "brownie" arrived as a gift from former Pitt great, Mark Stepnoski. Afterwards, Nordenberg tells us things went smoother. "I don't know, man. I just don't know. Graham? Graham cracker! Hahahahaha. That fucking guy is fucking hilarious, man. And he sings really great."

Sanft, following her New Year's resolution diet, was the only to not partake in the brownie. "I don't know Mark put in those things but the guys couldn't get enough. They insisted we interview Todd Graham. Not because we wanted him but the guys wanted to ask the guy, "what it's like to live in a town called A SLUT backwards."

Pederson commented. "Tulsa?!?! That's hilarious dude. Tulsa is like, like, it's like a totally awesome place with horses and unicorns. And stuff like that."

Sanft continued to add sanity to the interview. "That Graham guy came in here. He was totally talking about praying to God and being spiritual. The guys really liked that. They made him listen to "Dark Side of the Moon" the whole way through. Then he said he never even had heard of Pittsburgh or Pennsylvania. The guys thought that was the funniest thing in the world and hired him on the spot. And the $2M they promised? No, we don't have that; not even close. Todd will just have to deal with the same salary we gave Coach Wannstedt; we intend to tell him about it after he's here for awhile."

Coach Graham commented on his hiring by saying, "yee-haw. I can't wait to get to somewhere in East Oklahoma. Heck, that may even be in Arkansas or something. Whatever. Those suckers are paying me $2 million! I could buy all of Tulsa for that. Yee-haww!!!"

We couldn't have made this shit up

You might find it curious that we at PantherRants have been silent on the coaching fiasco at Pitt. But seriously, we couldn't make this shit up. How could we possibly improve upon this train-wreck of a coaching situation?

Our staff talked before the end of the season and suggested some very absurd ways we felt the season would end; whacky, off-the-wall shit. Some of us figured Pitt would win its last game while UConn and WVU would crap the bed, thus backing the Panthers into the BCS at 7-5 to be hammered on national TV by a much better opponent. This is Pitt football, after all, and what could possibly have caused us greater embarrassment than that scenario?

The truth turns out that it has.

I'd say Pitt is a laughingstock nationally. But that would be assuming anyone outside of Pennsylvania gives a shit about our program or didn't already consider it a joke. That would be assuming that people outside the 35,000 Pitt fans and maybe a few dolts in Miami, Ohio, know that our former head coach of 16 days allegedly is a woman beater.

Again, how can you make this shit up?

Now, we have an administration twiddling it's thumbs while Steve "Nero" Pederson fiddles at Gate A, Heinz Field. A news flash to the committee hanging out in the bowels of the Cathedral trying to figure new ways to fuck up this program - national letter of intent day is basically 3 weeks away. We have no recruits. How about hiring someone? Just a thought. We probably have one or two good candidates right now. We could probably forgo scouring the Division III ranks for that next "smart" hire.

We get it. You're smarter than we are. But let's prove that when it's not going to destroy our program for the next decade or so.

University of Pittsburgh announces new fight song

Mike Leach After Baylor Game (Explicit Language)

We're big fans of former Texas Tech Head Coach Mike Leach and really hope that athletic director Steve Pederson and Chancellor Mark Nordenberg come to their senses, stop screwing around and hire the guy.

Why? Well, for starters the guy can flat out coach. I mean, the guy made Texas Tech relevant in a division that had Texas, Oklahoma, Texas A&M and Oklahoma State. Secondly, Leach would have a ball calling out the numerous "fat little girlfriends" just in Carrick alone, let alone the entire city of Pittsburgh. Lastly, outbursts like this, which happened LAST. FUCKING. YEAR. Not THIS year. Last fucking year.

Ohh yeah, poo poo fuckin' Baylor. Fuck you, and fuck me and fuck everyone." We couldn't agree more, Mike, and hopefully you'll be yelling at our fat, WPIAL softies like this soon.

The Tale of Wannstedt

Island of Misfit Coaches - On a remote and frigid island lives a kingdom of former football coaches. These are no ordinary folks though; all have been deemed, "misfits," by their University's Athletic Department. The kingdom is a haven for those who don't "fit in" to normal football society.

Today, Coach Wannstedt, drifting on an iceberg, landed on the island and immediately was welcomed. He came across a young African-American man who said, "who are you?" Coach Dave said, "I'm Dave Wannstedt. Who are you?"

"Ron Dickerson is my name. I came here years ago after Temple didn't think I could win games."

"My name is John Mackovic - I was sent here for losing at places where you have to be a total retard not to at least get to bowl games."

"Hi there - they call me Tyrone Willingham. I'm the first guy ever who couldn't recruit good players to Notre Dame."

"Wow!," exclaimed Wannstedt. "I never knew there was a place with so people who wouldn't judge me on my inability to formulate a competent gameplan. But I'm just trying to get back to Pittsburgh to save my school from the evil Steve Pederson."

"You're among friends here," stated Bill Callahan. "We're all misfits here. No one wants a coach who can't beat Iowa State, or UC Davis, or Richmond. But first, we must take you to the King."

Coach Wannstedt eventually met up with the King of the Island of Misfit Coaches. King George Perles deemed Dave a truly crap coach that no school would want and allowed him to stay as long as he'd like. And all lived Wlatppily ever after.

BREAKING NEWS: Coaching Search Update

BLAWNOX (PR) -- Sources close to the coaching search at the University of Pittsburgh are stating that former Houston Oilers, Atlanta Falcons and Portland State University football coach Jerry Glanville has contacted the school about the current head coaching opening in an unusual way.
"I'm campin' on the sumbitch's front yard," Glanville said in a telephone interview late Friday night.
The former coach, known for leaving tickets for dead celebrities at games, has set up an impromptu campsite on the front yard of Chancellor Mark Nordenberg. Glanville was cited by Pittsburgh police late Thursday for having an open campfire within city boundaries and was then cited for not having current registration on his truck-boat-truck.
"Imma be here until these sumbitches at least bring me in for an interview. Ya'll gonna' say 'no' to me you gonna' at least do it to my face this time," he said.
Glanville openly campaigned for the job when it was open in 2004. Despite repeatedly remarking to the national media about his interest in the position, university officials decided that did not want to hire a former burn-out NFL head coach with a mediocre record in the regular season and playoffs and hired Dave Wannstedt instead. Glanville was never contacted by the school.
"Who the hell is this cowboy? I woke up Wednesday morning and I have an igloo tent set up in my yard and the guy's walking around in flannel pajamas and a cowboy hat. And he's totally wrecked the landscaping by taking the stones to make a fire ring. If he trashes my yard anymore it'll eat up my entire $27,000 raise," Nordenberg said.

NEWS IN BRIEF

• Former University of South Florida Head Coach Jim Leavitt attempted to send a resume to the school but instead jammed the paper in his mouth and began howling at the moon.
• UCLA Head Coach Rick Neuheisal said in a press release Friday that he's laying 3:1 odds that offensive coordinator Frank Cignetti Jr. will get the job.
• No one close to the coaching search committee currently knows whether or not former University of Miami Head Coach Larry Coker is interested in the position because no one really gives a shit.

Dave Wannstedt - Ticket for the Wind

Well it's a sad day all around for Pitt Athletics. It's good day for some people...depending on who you are. For us at the blog, we don't like to see anyone lose their job. Wanny may have given us a lot of joke material...the guy wasn't perfect...but he bled blue and gold. For now, here's a video tribute to Coach Wannstedt.