Panther Rants

Open Letter from Pitt to ACC

2011-10-01T20:04:00.009-04:00

Blawnox - Dear ACC Members,

We want to thank you for accepting us into your conference. We're going to be honest up front and throughout. But let's just say, you saved us. You saved us from hell. We know it, we thank you, we always wanted to be here, it's the best fit for us, we could not be happier.

It's not to say we don't add value. We hope you think we do. But to be clear, we want to thank you. Pitt is not WVU, or Louisville, or UConn, or some others you may have danced with. We're a little different - we put academia and teaching first. That hurts us on the field at times. We know it. We're not Ohio State, or USC. We really don't want to be them, honestly. Obviously, in a way we REALLY do. But not in our heart of hearts. We'd rather lose in a fun game, and get along with our competitors if the alternative is to lie, cheat and steal in a win anyway possible, NCAA-2011 type of way. We know you understand these thoughts.

However, we're a little bit "in your face type of folks". Not like SEC people or anything. We just want you to know where our heads are coming in to this thing. A little feedback, if you will. So let's go down the list, in no particular order.

1. University of Maryland: Let's start easy. We know you, even though, for some reason, we never play in any sports. You and I are pretty much the same in all ways, except for your weird obsession with Lacrosse. Very good school, very good research, very good basketball. The only thing we don't understand is why the entire state could care less about college football. I mean, no one, anywhere. That's ok. Frankly, we like you. We always have. If this was a guy-girl situation, we'd marry you and be happy forever.

2. University of Virginia: You seem like the son of the rich lawyer up the street who will never BE a rich lawyer. That's ok, since you don't really act as if you're better than others. You just seem to be into your own thing. That's cool. Not really known for football or basketball. Or really anything except for Thomas Jefferson. Just into being a good school who wears goofy outfits to football games. There's nothing wrong with that. Seriously, no one could hate you as you're a good guy. But no one really loves you either. Think about that.

3. Virginia Tech: You're like the ugly girl in middle school who lost some weight and got a nose job, now acts as if she's been the perennial Homecoming queen. You just don't have any sense about you. And we beat you...in your best years...badly. Get it together. We're being friends here. Everyone is starting to hate you, when we all used to like you a lot.

4. Duke: We've never met a Duke alum we didn't like. We never met a Duke fan, non-alum, we did like. Who knows how this happens. Do we blame you? Sort of. Being perfectly open and honest, you are a little uppity and douchey. You aren't over the top though, and we respect that. But just be on-notice that you're pushing it. Big time. Don't get one more step douchey or we have to take action.

5. Boston College: Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. You're assholes. Always have been, always will be. Why are you in a conference that pushes basketball, lacrosse, and baseball, when all you give two craps about is the Bean Pot Trophy? Seriously, people in Boston don't even like you. They'd root for Northeastern to beat you in football if you were 11-0 and headed to a sure-win BCS Championship game. Literally, no one likes you. Never. We ALL believe you are pedophiles who eat feces.

6. University of North Carolina: Please, let me thank you for all you've done. We know it was you who reached out and got this all done. We don't bite the hand that feeds. We've always respected you. Heck, UNC is the secondary college basketball team in Pennsylvania. We like your style, even though you live in a town with a foofy name. No matter - we know you mean well. You're willing to fire a very successful football coach because he compromised your integrity; that fits us just right. Keep on doing what you do, UNC. We've always liked you, big time.

7. North Carolina State University: We hate to admit it, but you remind us of us. Only worse. You pretty much screw up anything you can touch, just like us. You screw up Olympic sports, you screw up basketball, you screw up football. Beyond us, you screw up research and academics, when you live in the ####ing RESEARCH TRIANGLE!!!! We'd ask, "WTF?," but then again, we'd have to answer the same question. So we're happy to just wink at you and say hello in the hallway but just keep walking. Let's just pretend we don't know each other so as others won't notice how dysfunctional we are.

8. Wake Forest: We don't know you. No one does. No one cares either. I hate to be cruel, but the world just doesn't give two shits about Wake Forest. It's one of the "extremely expensive for no good reason" private Universities. If you're going to pay that much, go to Harvard or Yale. Oh, that's right, you couldn't get in there. You were just sort of dumb but dad was rich, so you went to some dumbass school in tobacco land and acted as if your shit doesn't stink. Well, it does. And you're dumb. And your school sucks. And your team sucks. I know this sounds really mean and rude. But I have to be honest - you're annoying. Decent people = yes. But who pays $50K+ per year to go to Wake Forest? Come on.

9. Georgia Tech: You're alright with us. Pitt has no beef with the good people of Atlanta. Now Univ of Georgia? yeah, they suck. We know you know that. We know you know how it feels to be the city school with the smarter and more socially adept kids who lose out in popularity to the big state school out in the country full of bumpkins and retards. We get it. We know your pain. You are the southern version of us, except we have uglier chics. Not by far though. Georgia Tech: you are our blood brothers. Call if you need us, and you know we're there.

10. Florida State University: Pitt has some affection for you. Always has. However, if we're being honest, you need to get over yourselves. The fact is, you had an incredible run under Bowden. Incredible! His run of success and consistency may never be matched. But we, and the nation, are sick of hearing how Jimbo is great, and you're right back on track. You're not. And face facts: you may never be again. Trust us - this stuff has a way of fizzling. Don't want to believe it? Go look at our history when it seemed impossible for us to screw up. But you think you're smarter than us, right? Ok. Just tell us when you win the conference again. We know you believe it's yours to lose every year. What we're saying is, it's not going to happen. Hear us now, believe us later. Oh, and your school sucks academically. Get that shit together because UCF and USF are lapping you. It's embarrassing.

11. Clemson University: You're the rednecks of the ACC. It sounds as if that's bad and I'm going down a negative line but let me stop you right there. We're from Pennsylvania - we ALL have family and friends like you. And truth be told, we love those guys. I mean, LOVE those guys. They chew snuff at work, they drive forklifts, they own junkyards. Whatever - it's all good. We'll never admit it to high society but we love watching games with those guys. We make it a point to find them at the family Christmas party because we know who brought the booze. You're all good with us. All cards on the table: you may be the one school in the country we never had a beef with. AND you have really hot chics, who are slutty. You guys are awesome.

12. University of Miami: You guys are straight trash. We know you don't care. You're at some douchey club with guys who wear sunglasses inside, popping their collars, dancing to the spins of DJ Whatever. You're the worst kind of trash. Don't ask me to define it because I don't owe you shit. But be aware - your good football days are over forever. Accept it - it's never coming back. You never had a basketball team. And only poor Hispanics care about baseball so good luck with that. Shalala is a fucking criminal. Kiss my ass, you fucking bitches.

13. Syracuse University: I'm using this opportunity to give you a piece of my mind. Actually, this is positive feedback. We've known each other a long time. You and I both know that we thought we were going to be stuck with WVU in some trailer park forever. Thank god, bro. Thank god we got through this. You've always been a good buddy. Remember that time we got drunk before the middle school dance and Mrs. Kramer asked why we were dancing so wildly? And then we pissed on Todd Cohen's leg? Good times. We're glad you're in this with us. And we're glad you decided to completely give up on football, even worse than we did.

2011-09-05T14:26:00.000-04:00

Waco - This off-season, the Big East welcomed it's newest member, TCU. Conference leaders expanded into Texas, mostly in order to bring a legitimate football team into the fold. You know, one that could actually finish ranked.

TCU, looking for a home to get an automatic berth to BCS games, was eager to join the Big East; namely because the Big 10/12 and SEC didn't want them. It seemed a match made in heaven.

It should be noted that TCU will officially begin conference play in 2012. However, the result was what would be expected: TCU, after not losing any regular season games in the past two seasons, immediately goes out and gets ass-pounded by a crappy Baylor team. More disturbing, after finishing the past two seasons with the overall #1 ranked defense in the NCAA, gave up 50 points and 564 yards to Baylor. That's right, the same Baylor team who hasn't won a bowl game since 1994. In fact, has been in exactly one bowl game since 1994.

Is this a coincidence? Or is this the curse of the Big East? You decide.

Drunken Big East Preview - Top Four.

2011-08-28T02:10:00.003-04:00

1. Cincinnati

Look...we know....last year was bad for this squad. Zach Collaros pissed off a lot of fantasy owners. This year may be different. On Offense, the return Collaros, DJ Woods, and Isaiah Pead. Defense, they return a lot in terms of veteran leadership.

Plus it was either this or pick WVU to win the conference.

2. Pitt

Pitt's really not in bad of shape as a lot of people thought. Offense, they're pretty solid at QB, RB, WR. Offensive line may have some question marks, but that's been the same tired story at Pitt.

On defense, the main concern should be the secondary as they are known to fuck things up.

Plus, with Graham banning twitter, he may add some masculinity to some of his players including Cam Saddler who was tweeting so much...you'd think he was a woman. Then again, he played likc a bitch.

3. USF

USF is a always the trendy pick to win the Big East since they joined the conference. This year is no different. They return a good core on defense. On offense, they'll win or lose with BJ Daniels. When he's on, he'd dangerous. When he's off, he looks a QB from any team on Madden that's being controlled from a first time user.

4. WVU

When your state produces more incidents of incest and bestiality than it does Division 1 prospects, then you got issues. Other than Geno Smith, there's not much to write about on offense. Defense? Fuck 'em. Maybe Oliver Luck will get them in the Arena League.

Drunken Big East Preview - Bottom Four

2011-08-28T01:54:00.002-04:00

5. Syracuse

Syracuse comes off a win over Kansas State in the Pinstripe Bowl. On offense, they return their Starting QB Ryan Nassib and most of their offensive line. Other than that, there's not much to talk about. They have a midget for a running back and their star WR is in some legal trouble.

On defense, they have to replace two starters on their D-line and two starters at linebacker. Their secondary should be fine. They'll go to a bowl game and brag about it.

6. Louisville

They'll be on probation in a year....NEXT.

7. UConn

UConn returns most of its starters from it's Offensive Line and Defensive line. Other than that, not much else.

8. Rutgers

Rutgers returns most of its sorry team from last season. On Offense, they'll rely on Chas Dodd whose is about as accurate as Michael J. Fox throwing darts. The offensive line won't help much either...they suck. On defense, they return most of its starters that got their asses handed to them.

PITT-PSU and Expansion

2011-06-24T01:14:00.003-04:00

PITT-PSU Series

Pitt and PSU decided renew the "rivalry" for at least two games. Some Pitt fans are applauding this. Some are not. Reasons include the series not being long term and whatever hard-on they have for Steve Pederson. Two things stood out to me with this announcement

1. JoePA isn't as "mighty" as everyone has made him out to be.
2. Tim Curley is taking "full control" of PSU's Athletic Department. By "full", he's taking over football too.

Curley has made some nice hires around the board as of late. He also had the balls to boot Rene Portland. I also imagine he told Ed Dechellis to move on with life's work if he couldn't get the basketball team in the Big Dance again.

There's a reason to be optimistic about this two game series...it could lead to more. Unless PSU fans are still pussy enough to complain whatever verbal abuse they received from Pitt fans.

Expansion

This is obviously one of the hot topics of the Big East as of late. Long story short: Villanova is interested, made a presentation, and they were sent packing...which made Pitt/Rutgers look like the bad guys in this. They weren't the bad guys. Villanova for the most part didn't have their shit together. Because if you let 'Nova in with a half-assed plan, then you might as well let Georgetown join as well because they can play their games at RFK.

Ever since then, there's been a mass hysteria of a "split". It's not going to happen. That television deal that's in the works? It's all about basketball. Basketball is the Cash Cow of the Big East. Football can't stand on its own two feet let alone in a BCS bowl game these days. Sure you can trim the "fat" off the basketball-only schools, but that's another battle. Lot of politics and a lot of relationships there.

Big East Preview Part 1: Offseason Assclownery

2011-06-24T00:49:00.002-04:00

The Big East was a total comedy once season play ended and it carried on when bowl season was over. Let's do a quick recap of what happened:

1. Pitt forces out Dave Wannstedt.
2. WVU hires Dana Holgerson to replace Bill Stewart after next season.
3. Pitt hires Mike Haywood.
4. Pitt fires Mike Haywood after he pulls an Ike Turner on his babymama.
5. After watching his team get pounded by Oklahoma, Randy Edsall takes a separate plane to College Park to take the Maryland job.
6. UConn drags Paul Pasqualoni out of a bar and names him head coach.
7. Pitt hires Todd Graham to replace Haywood.
8. Dana Holgerson gets booted out of a casino and WVU punishes him by firing Bill Stewart.

There you have it. Somewhere in this, Rutgers, Syracuse, USF, Cincy, and Louisville stayed out of the drama.

Later in the month, we'll be previewing the Big East. Until then, here's a really half-assed analysis of the conference.

The Favorite: WVU. People just love their new head coach. I don't know why, but they do. Maybe it's all those offenses he ran in the Midwest that are a dime a dozen.

The Fucked: UConn. They were due to be a bottom feeder one day.

Can Go Fuck Themselves: Rutgers. They're Rutgers.

Panther Rants 2011 Blue-Gold Game Diary

2011-04-18T00:11:00.006-04:00

Another exciting year of Spring Drills were upon us. Out goes the Power Football......In comes High Octane. While I don't have the liberty of 'tweeting' or 'live blogging', I kept a running diary with my thoughts and analysis. Here goes.......

1:00pm - Getting ready for the spring game. Yes it's 1pm. It's 1pm Central time. That's what's great about living here. Everything starts an hour early.

1:05pm - Outside enjoying the nice weather with my son. We're bike riding. It's 85 degrees here....you really think I would be inside watching a glorified practice?

1:30pm- Nicki Minaj is playing in Houston tonight and I can tell. Almost every girl I see....even a grown ass woman....has their hair like Nicki Minaj in some way. Houston's local hip hop station had a Nicki Minaj lookalike contest. The majority of the contestants I swear I've seen at Walmart.

1:40pm - A woman with a hot pink wig on....eating pork skins...and drinking a red soda walks by. We exchange hellos and tells me how cute my son is. She's heading to see Nicki tonight. If this was the Burgh, she'd probably ask me what the fuck am I looking at.

2:10pm - We decided to go in and cool off. I get to watch the same episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for the 1000th time.

2:30pm - I got the characters figured out:

Mickey Mouse - He represents domestic abuse. He beats the shit out of Minnie and they both act as if everything is okay so no one questions it. Eventually one of them is going to be found on a hillside.

Minnie Mouse - Represents 'Pharming' and 'Free Basing'. To deal with Mickey, she needs an outlet. Which is why she probably has a big cabinet full of prescription drugs.

Donald Duck - Represents Alcoholism. He's dressed as a sailor for fuck's sake. He's the old married dude who hangs at the bar and tries to cock-block every guy from getting the hot chick that even he can't bang.

Daisy Duck - Represents Infidelity. While Donald's out getting juiced, she's out getting banged. She's probably a swinger too.

Goofy - Represents Rehab and Relapse. Don't invite him over to hang out, some of your belongings may come up missing.

Pluto - Represnts Dog-fighting. Don't fuck with him. Don't let your kid pet him. He's not friendly.

3:00pm - Son's asleep and I'm checking the boards. They're saying over 1,000 in attendance. Guess that will be blamed on Steve. Tino's having a good day passing so every Pitt poster with WPIAL ties are jerking themselves off.

3:10pm - Everyone is happy with the offense performing well on a rainy day, but the defense is getting ripped.

3:30pm - If Pitt gave me press credentials, I'd either show up drunk or sell them to a homeless guy for his bottle of Gin.

JJ Richardson 2010-2011 John DeGroat Award Winner

2011-04-18T00:00:00.002-04:00

Panther Rants is happy to announce the 2010-2011 John Degroat Award. This year, the award goes to seldomly-used JJ Richardson. JJ is transferring out of Pitt. Not to pick on him, but we wish him well. He didn't do bad when he was called to go in. Maybe if Dante Taylor doesn't have the McDonalds AA tag slapped on him, JJ stays and Dante's the one being sent to Towson with his paperwork.

You know Dante has shown some flashes he's Mickie D's AA that Pitt recruited. Other times, he looks like he's eaten at Mickie D's. If he doesn't get his act together, he'll receive the 'Gilbert Brown' Award. The award will go the player who takes 4 years to get his shit together.

Who will winThe John Degroat Award?

2011-04-15T00:55:00.006-04:00

The John Degroat Award was originally awarded to the seldom-used JUCO player on the basketball team. Every other year, Jamie would recruit a JUCO player....and well..he would never play them. Here's a look at our previous winners:

2006-2007 - Doyle Hudson

Doyle was recruited by Jamie because he saw him play against Levon Kendall in some league in the offseason and Jamie liked how Doyle played against him. You know Levon was that guy who scored 50 points in some Canadian national game. Doyle didn't see much playing time in his two years.

2007-2008 - Cassin Diggs

Cassin was cut when the season ended to make room for Jermaine Dixon. That's really about it.

2008-2009 - Austin Wallace

Here's where the Degroat Award changes. We didn't have any Juco's that flamed out that year...so we had to give it to someone.

2009-2010 - Dwight Miller

Dwight just never panned out. People liked him when he would play at Greentree, but Greentree is nothing but a glorified AND-1 tournament.

Candidates for 2010-2011 are: JJ Richardson, Isaiah Epps, Lamar Patterson, Dante Taylor, Cameron Wright, and Talib Zanna.

So who will win?

The Mike Gansey Award

2011-04-15T00:37:00.002-04:00

Every year at Pantherrants, we have the prestigious "Mike Gansey Award". Okay, we don't give it out every year. For some reason every time Pitt has gone against a team with white players, the white players have the games of their lives. Maybe it's because Pitt players took them too lightly. It's like watching a boxing match and being the only person to bet on the white guy...and win. Let's look at the previous winners:

2007-2008 - Drew Neitzel: I think Ronald Ramon is still chasing him around the court.

2008-2009 - Alex Ruoff: Killed Pitt in the Big East Tournament

2009-2010 - The white players on the Notre Dame team.

And the 2010-2011 winner......is........

It's a tie between The white players on the Notre Dame team and Matt Howard. I honestly thought it would be Jimmy Fredette as I had nightmares of Gary McGhee guarding him.

Notre Dame wins for obvious reasons. They exposed our weaknesses which is taking advantage of our center who tends to have the hand-eye coordination of a drunk driver at times and our passive aggressive defense on the perimeter. In football terms, it's like having Brian Bennett cover Larry Fitzgerald.

Matt Howard wins for obvious reasons. I don't hate Matt Howard. I don't fault him for flopping. If he can't get away with it by drawing fouls, more power to him. It was fun to witness the refs put their whistles away in Houston.

Pitt Administrators Get Intoxicated, Hire Rube from OK

2011-01-10T20:06:00.002-05:00

Pittsburgh -

University of Pittsburgh Administrators have had a tough 2 months. In early December 2010, they decided to fire beloved Head Football Coach, Dave Wannstedt. A tumultuous press conference led to fan outrage. Nonetheless, the bold Athletic Director, Steve Pederson, faced the crowd and declared that Pitt was going in a new direction.

Fast forward two weeks later when Pederson, unilaterally, hired a guy who forgot that the term "wife beater" was not literal. Mike Haywood was summarily fired on January 1, 2011, leaving Pederson and the rest of Pitt's administration on the job hunt again.

This incident led to the formation of a "Search Committee" for the next Head Football Coach. Administrators Pederson, Sanft, Cochran, and Chancellor Nordenberg were all in-charge of finding the man to lead Pitt football in 2011 and beyond.

All was well until the committee hit a snag. That is, there are 4 members and no one to cast a deciding vote.

Sanft commented, "Listen, we were really stressed out. All of us were putting in 4 hour days and were totall spent. Do you know how many people in Academia work 4 hours in January??!?! No one! No one even comes close to half that."

Cochran agreed. "The room was filled with stress and smoke. The smoke was really just from a leaky gasket in the Cathedral sewage but let me tell you, we were stressed from that smell. And then to pick a coach...again? It was too much. We needed help."

Help arrived after a savvy "brownie" arrived as a gift from former Pitt great, Mark Stepnoski. Afterwards, Nordenberg tells us things went smoother. "I don't know, man. I just don't know. Graham? Graham cracker! Hahahahaha. That fucking guy is fucking hilarious, man. And he sings really great."

Sanft, following her New Year's resolution diet, was the only to not partake in the brownie. "I don't know Mark put in those things but the guys couldn't get enough. They insisted we interview Todd Graham. Not because we wanted him but the guys wanted to ask the guy, "what it's like to live in a town called A SLUT backwards."

Pederson commented. "Tulsa?!?! That's hilarious dude. Tulsa is like, like, it's like a totally awesome place with horses and unicorns. And stuff like that."

Sanft continued to add sanity to the interview. "That Graham guy came in here. He was totally talking about praying to God and being spiritual. The guys really liked that. They made him listen to "Dark Side of the Moon" the whole way through. Then he said he never even had heard of Pittsburgh or Pennsylvania. The guys thought that was the funniest thing in the world and hired him on the spot. And the $2M they promised? No, we don't have that; not even close. Todd will just have to deal with the same salary we gave Coach Wannstedt; we intend to tell him about it after he's here for awhile."

Coach Graham commented on his hiring by saying, "yee-haw. I can't wait to get to somewhere in East Oklahoma. Heck, that may even be in Arkansas or something. Whatever. Those suckers are paying me $2 million! I could buy all of Tulsa for that. Yee-haww!!!"

We couldn't have made this shit up

2011-01-10T10:25:00.005-05:00

You might find it curious that we at PantherRants have been silent on the coaching fiasco at Pitt. But seriously, we couldn't make this shit up. How could we possibly improve upon this train-wreck of a coaching situation?

Our staff talked before the end of the season and suggested some very absurd ways we felt the season would end; whacky, off-the-wall shit. Some of us figured Pitt would win its last game while UConn and WVU would crap the bed, thus backing the Panthers into the BCS at 7-5 to be hammered on national TV by a much better opponent. This is Pitt football, after all, and what could possibly have caused us greater embarrassment than that scenario?

The truth turns out that it has.

I'd say Pitt is a laughingstock nationally. But that would be assuming anyone outside of Pennsylvania gives a shit about our program or didn't already consider it a joke. That would be assuming that people outside the 35,000 Pitt fans and maybe a few dolts in Miami, Ohio, know that our former head coach of 16 days allegedly is a woman beater.

Again, how can you make this shit up?

Now, we have an administration twiddling it's thumbs while Steve "Nero" Pederson fiddles at Gate A, Heinz Field. A news flash to the committee hanging out in the bowels of the Cathedral trying to figure new ways to fuck up this program - national letter of intent day is basically 3 weeks away. We have no recruits. How about hiring someone? Just a thought. We probably have one or two good candidates right now. We could probably forgo scouring the Division III ranks for that next "smart" hire.

We get it. You're smarter than we are. But let's prove that when it's not going to destroy our program for the next decade or so.

University of Pittsburgh announces new fight song

2010-12-13T17:38:00.000-05:00

Mike Leach After Baylor Game (Explicit Language)

2010-12-12T01:25:00.000-05:00

We're big fans of former Texas Tech Head Coach Mike Leach and really hope that athletic director Steve Pederson and Chancellor Mark Nordenberg come to their senses, stop screwing around and hire the guy.

Why? Well, for starters the guy can flat out coach. I mean, the guy made Texas Tech relevant in a division that had Texas, Oklahoma, Texas A&M and Oklahoma State. Secondly, Leach would have a ball calling out the numerous "fat little girlfriends" just in Carrick alone, let alone the entire city of Pittsburgh. Lastly, outbursts like this, which happened LAST. FUCKING. YEAR. Not THIS year. Last fucking year.

Ohh yeah, poo poo fuckin' Baylor. Fuck you, and fuck me and fuck everyone." We couldn't agree more, Mike, and hopefully you'll be yelling at our fat, WPIAL softies like this soon.

The Tale of Wannstedt

2010-12-11T19:30:00.003-05:00

Island of Misfit Coaches - On a remote and frigid island lives a kingdom of former football coaches. These are no ordinary folks though; all have been deemed, "misfits," by their University's Athletic Department. The kingdom is a haven for those who don't "fit in" to normal football society.

Today, Coach Wannstedt, drifting on an iceberg, landed on the island and immediately was welcomed. He came across a young African-American man who said, "who are you?" Coach Dave said, "I'm Dave Wannstedt. Who are you?"

"Ron Dickerson is my name. I came here years ago after Temple didn't think I could win games."

"My name is John Mackovic - I was sent here for losing at places where you have to be a total retard not to at least get to bowl games."

"Hi there - they call me Tyrone Willingham. I'm the first guy ever who couldn't recruit good players to Notre Dame."

"Wow!," exclaimed Wannstedt. "I never knew there was a place with so people who wouldn't judge me on my inability to formulate a competent gameplan. But I'm just trying to get back to Pittsburgh to save my school from the evil Steve Pederson."

"You're among friends here," stated Bill Callahan. "We're all misfits here. No one wants a coach who can't beat Iowa State, or UC Davis, or Richmond. But first, we must take you to the King."

Coach Wannstedt eventually met up with the King of the Island of Misfit Coaches. King George Perles deemed Dave a truly crap coach that no school would want and allowed him to stay as long as he'd like. And all lived Wlatppily ever after.

BREAKING NEWS: Coaching Search Update

2010-12-10T21:17:00.003-05:00

BLAWNOX (PR) -- Sources close to the coaching search at the University of Pittsburgh are stating that former Houston Oilers, Atlanta Falcons and Portland State University football coach Jerry Glanville has contacted the school about the current head coaching opening in an unusual way.
"I'm campin' on the sumbitch's front yard," Glanville said in a telephone interview late Friday night.
The former coach, known for leaving tickets for dead celebrities at games, has set up an impromptu campsite on the front yard of Chancellor Mark Nordenberg. Glanville was cited by Pittsburgh police late Thursday for having an open campfire within city boundaries and was then cited for not having current registration on his truck-boat-truck.
"Imma be here until these sumbitches at least bring me in for an interview. Ya'll gonna' say 'no' to me you gonna' at least do it to my face this time," he said.
Glanville openly campaigned for the job when it was open in 2004. Despite repeatedly remarking to the national media about his interest in the position, university officials decided that did not want to hire a former burn-out NFL head coach with a mediocre record in the regular season and playoffs and hired Dave Wannstedt instead. Glanville was never contacted by the school.
"Who the hell is this cowboy? I woke up Wednesday morning and I have an igloo tent set up in my yard and the guy's walking around in flannel pajamas and a cowboy hat. And he's totally wrecked the landscaping by taking the stones to make a fire ring. If he trashes my yard anymore it'll eat up my entire $27,000 raise," Nordenberg said.

NEWS IN BRIEF

Former University of South Florida Head Coach Jim Leavitt attempted to send a resume to the school but instead jammed the paper in his mouth and began howling at the moon.
UCLA Head Coach Rick Neuheisal said in a press release Friday that he's laying 3:1 odds that offensive coordinator Frank Cignetti Jr. will get the job.
No one close to the coaching search committee currently knows whether or not former University of Miami Head Coach Larry Coker is interested in the position because no one really gives a shit.

Dave Wannstedt - Ticket for the Wind

2010-12-08T00:19:00.003-05:00

Well it's a sad day all around for Pitt Athletics. It's good day for some people...depending on who you are. For us at the blog, we don't like to see anyone lose their job. Wanny may have given us a lot of joke material...the guy wasn't perfect...but he bled blue and gold. For now, here's a video tribute to Coach Wannstedt.

Dave Wannstedt: This Time It's Personal

2010-11-30T00:59:00.002-05:00

Another season of Pitt Football is winding down and this time, it's personal. It's personal for Pitt fans, alumni, boosters, donors, etc. It's personal for Ron Cook, Kevin Gorman, Paul Zeise, Bob Smizik. It's personal for the Pitt Blogosphere. As for us here? Hell it gives us plenty of writing material to go on if we ever got off our lazy behinds to write.

One Question about all of this: Why is everyone taking this season so personal? I mean what were you expecting? Have you paid attention to this program since Wannstedt was hired? Here's all you need to know....and I learned this from the Sun Bowl in 2009 (Which took myself some time to get over):

Seasons under Dave Wannstedt either BEGIN in disaster or END in disaster. Let's look at the tale of the tape.....

2005: Pitt coming off a BCS Bowl with a share of the Big East title. Nationally ranked with most of the returning cast from the year before. Pitt gets donkey punched on National TV from Jabba the Hut. They lose to Ohio the next week, Let's not forget the 7-6 debacle in Nebraska.

Verdict: Began in disaster

2006: Start out 6-1. Pitt drops a big game against Rutgers. Blows a 31-17 at UConn by running Larod Stephens up the middle on just about every other play. Pitt loses out and misses another bowl game.

Verdict: Ended in disaster

2007: Pitt opens the season by losing their starting quarterback, Bill Stull, to injury. They have to chose between Kevan Smith and Pat Bostick. Bostick eventually becomes the starter. Pat had issues....no mobility, lack of arm strength, and no experience. Pitt limps to a 4-7 record before "13-9".

Verdict: Began in disaster

2008: Pitt loses to Bowling Green...recovers to finish 9-3....to get their first bowl game since January 2005. Pitt would lose two of their next three. One loss would cost them the BE title. The other a 3-0 loss in the Sun Bowl.

Verdict: Ended in disaster. You can make the case for both, but the Bowling Green loss didn't sting as much as the 3-0 game....or the Cincy Game which costed Pitt the BE title.

2009: Pitt starts out 9-1....drops their last two to WVU and Cincy. The Cincy loss stung the most as Pitt squandered a 31-10 lead.

Verdict: Ended in disaster

2010: Pitt nationally ranked, BE Favorite, and a clear path to the BE title. Pitt goes 2-3 in non-conference with losses to Utah, Miami, and ND. Starts out 4-0 in Big East play before dropping the next two.

Verdict - It began in disaster and it's about to end in disaster as well.

So there you have it. So again, why get worked up over this season? It's no different from any other season Pitt has had. There's always some catastrophe waiting to balance things out when things are going really well. It's Pitt Football...It's who we are.....and It's what we endure.

Wannstedt Receives Praise

2010-11-27T13:16:00.003-05:00

Blawnox - Pitt Head Football Coach received a strange call at approximately 6am this morning. On the other end was none other than the legendary professional bowler, "Big Ern" McCracken. "I never expected a call that early in the morning," confessed Coach Wannsedt, "but I'll take any positive news I can get."

McCracken commented. "Listen, I'm in Vegas for a big match. The girls and I are up late drinking Tanqueray and Tab, ya know. We're having a good time with some high rollers. We're laying some money on games for tomorrow when I see the highlights from yesterday. And damn if that Pitt game wasn't the Munson of the year."

Wannstedt stated, "I have no idea who or what a Munson award is, but it sure sounds good to me. I knew a guy named Munson once; he worked third shift at the mill and he was a great guy. We used to get some Irons after a shift and sometimes sneak in some cole slaw and fish sandwiches. Heckuva guy."

McCracken continued, "Wannstedt on that sideline, running his hands through his hair, screwing up in a big moment when he had the world by the tail, just made my heart warm thinking of my buddy Roy. Well, Roy can't really run his fingers through his hair because he doesn't have hair or fingers, ha! Ha-ha! Alright reporter guy, I have some needy single mothers to take care of..."

Pitt Players Arrested After UConn Game

2010-11-14T23:35:00.003-05:00

The hits just keep coming for the Pitt Football program. They have had three players arrested for incidents that happened off the field. This time, it's on the field. Several members of Pitt's defense were arrested for sexually assaulting UConn running back Jordan Todman.

Among those arrested were Max Gruder, Greg Williams, and Dom DeCicco. Pitt's Athletic Department has declined comment at this time. Jordan Todman can't be reached for comment as the UConn Athletic Department has said that he is "still running". Panther Rants talked with the local Law Enforcement and they released this statement:

"We are still gathering information on the reported incidents. We need to reach Jordan, but we've heard he is running somewhere. As for the sexual assaults that took place, we can't tell if the three Pitt linebackers accused were either trying to tackle Jordan or if they were dry-humping him."

Panther Rants will keep you updated as this story unfolds.

Fishmouth Gobbles Orange

2010-10-19T20:42:00.004-04:00

Syracuse - Starved Pitt fans had been waiting almost 11 months to see their team with a complete game victory. Thankfully for them, this past weekend saw Coach Fishmouth hooking the competition instead of being hooked.

Wannstedt commented after the game, "We came up here to Syracuse expecting the Orange to put forth some kind of effort and I guess they just didn't feel like bothering." When asked for comment, Cuse coach Marrone stated, "What Fishmouth said is true. Did you see our gameplan? We wrote it on a napkin 10 minutes before the game. In fact, it was the same plays we run the first 2 days of summer camp to just get the kids going. Nothing fancy and no scheming. We figured Pitt had given up on the year."

Syracuse players commented afterwards. "Did you see Pitt against Miami, FIU, Notre Dame? Did it look as if we needed to practice anything? We put a hurtin' on Colgate and figured that's all it'd take. Coach Marrone said to not worry about it because he said Wannstedt is dumb and won't make any changes to what they've been doing."

Pitt was led by QB, Tino Sunseri, who had his best game as a collegiate. "It was really nice to be able to just stand wherever I wanted and throw the ball. I wish Miami and Utah would have given me a fair shot like the Orange did. I was able to miss on some pretty easy throws on first or second down and then on third down, they were nice enough to leave one guy open short for me to throw to. Honestly, I'm feeling pretty good because not just anyone can complete wide open 10 yard throws with no pass rush. Look at Bostick for god's sakes - he can't."

Coach Marrone finished the interview by stating that he was disappointed in his team's lack of preparation. "I guess I have to take some responsibility; you really have to try to lose to Pitt this year and we just didn't get it done."

Nonetheless, the day a total loss for the Syracuse fans exiting the stadium. "Hey, did you see Express? Great movie, great movie! Did you know that we were real good in the early 60's. And Marvin Harrison!!!" Several Cuse fans were seen masturbating to McPherson highlight videos being played on the stadium's concourse.

Another way to get the top Pitt inside on interweb

2009-10-01T22:42:00.003-04:00

Check out the PantherRants twitter feed at http://twitter.com/pantherrants to get the thoughts of the PantherRants crew in 140 characters or less.

Pitt to Announce Bobble Head Promotion

2009-09-11T18:35:00.005-04:00

(PR) Blawnox - The University of Pittsburgh is set to announce a new bobblehead promotion for some of its upcoming games. According to our sources inside the Athletic Department, Steve Pederson, in conjunction with Play-it-Again Sports is set to unveil special bobble heads featuring Pitt Football players.

The first two of the series feature Pitt quarterback, Billy Stull. This also clears up the questions as to why Billy inherited the starting qb job. "We would look pretty silly as an athletic department; if our featured bobble heads would represent someone holding a clipboard." Pederson stated. "We just had to go with Stull, too much money would have been lost."

The first figure will be handed out to the first 10,000 fans for the Pitt vs Navy game on September 19th. Following the game a concert by the Pittsburgh All-Star Band, featuring Donnie Iris, Scott Blasey, Bill Deasey, Joe Grusheky and others will take place. Also, a Zambelli fireworks display will be set off for the throngs of fans immediately after, barring any 8mph wind gusts.

The first figure represents Bill as a relatively quiet student. This also shows his clean cut qualities.

The second one, set to launch on October 10th for homecoming will feature Bill "B-Man" Stull in more of an urban style.

Panther Rants are excited for these collectibles and we're sure the Pitt Faithful will find a nice place on the mantle for their figures as well.

Pitt Fans With Speech Impediment Ruin Opening Day

2009-09-06T19:23:00.003-04:00

Heinz Field -

Pitt's opening day 2009 started with much fanfare and excitement. The Panthers are coming off their best season in decades and looking to build fan support for new and exciting squad.

However, the cheers turned to "boos" early in in the contest as Pitt fans let the starting quarterback, Bill Stull, hear their frustrations. Or did they...?

Silently for the past 6 months, Pitt Athletic Director, Steve Pederson, has been reaching out to his favorite charity, ASHA (American Speech-Language Hearing Association). The AD commented, "We decided to form a partnership and support ASHA this year. After years of Wlat Harris as Head Coach and his lisp, and now Coach Wannstedt and his broken Pittsburghese, we felt that it was natural to stand behind this silent killer of a disease known to most as a speech impediment."

And Pederson's plan worked great. Over 20,000 tickets were distributed to individuals in the region that suffer from speech impediment, namely those with difficulty pronouncing "L's." The AD continued, "This particular segment of the association just really was behind Pitt football. They're loud and really cheer for the team. Most hail from either the Seton La-Salle area or Youngstown so they were really excited to see their hometown boy, quarterback Bill Stull."

Unfortunately, that's when things turned ugly. Casual fans heard the boos throughout the stadium as Stull entered the field. However, the group was merely trying to say, "Bill!!!!," but due to the affliction, all anyone heard was, "booo!!!" [Note: The author encourages you to try saying "Bill" w/out your tongue and hear what it sounds like]

After the game, ASHA area president, Lilly Littleton said, "I just can not beweeve this happened to our Booey Stuooo. We ruv Booey so much and now he is huwt and sad aww because of us and our damn wwwwisp." Pederson also commented, "That Ron Cook in the PG today, he got it all wrong. Poor journalism as usual from that guy. These people called out to Stull all game to show their support and unfortunately, it was taken the wrong way. Needless to say, we're holding a tutorial for them before the next home game where we just encourage them to say "Go Pitt!" Not even Wlat could get that one wrong....wait, is that recorder still on...hey...where you going!!??"

Pitt Looks to Revamp Running Corp

2009-08-05T21:39:00.006-04:00

Blawnox -

With the loss of the two time team leading RB, Lesean Mccoy, Pitt is left with a large void at RB. Additionally, Pitt's second leading rushing, Larod Stephens-Howling-Nelson-Vader-Johansson-Obama, and FB Conredge Collins, Coach Wannstedt must replace the entirety of Pitt's RB corp.

Thankfully, the cupboard is not bare. Coach Wannstedt has stockpiled a treasure-trove of 4'10" 110lb midgets, oompa-loompas, and elves in an effort to bring a more dynamic and shifty presence to his offense's running game. Pitt's 95lb Junior Running Back, Kevin Collier commented (in a high-pitched squeal): "It's nice that those freakish giants have left and given an opportunity to us little people. Let's face facts - our offensive line has been terrible; the smaller the player, the more likely we make it between the tiny holes between the tackles and get that elusive 2 foot gain."

Freshman Dionne Lewis, a 4'2" wunderkind out of New Jersey gave his perspective. "I came to Pitt because of Coach Wannstedt. He articulated two things to me: 1 - his love of a good fish sammiches with tartar sauce and 2 - his belief that little people can do big things." Lewis stated to this reporter that his biggest hero growing up was Atom from the Justice League. "That guy could get into places that no one else could; not even Superman. If you needed a key unlocked, Atom could do it. And that's what I am - the guy that can get a consistent 1 yard per carry."

Freshman 2 star waste of scholarship Jason Douglas from Florida also commented. "Down in Florida, our kind is shunned and not given a chance. But here at Pitt, we Little People have a home where we can be comfortable and find others like ourselves. It was an easy decision because they liked me and also because in no way would any sane coach offer me a scholarship."

Coach Cignetti gave a pre-camp statement about his stable of RB's. "I'll tell you that when I first got to campus and met our RB's, it was a lot like going to the land of toy ponies. You see them and they're so cute and all. But then I realized that I had already terminated my contract with Cal and this is what I had to work with. So I wanted to go all passing this year but our Qb's aren't any good. Oy - I'm the poster child for not looking at all the facts before making a job move."

When asked for comment, the Little People of America () stated that they are very proud of the University of Pittsburgh's commitment to helping the plight of midgets everywhere. Then they started singing "We are a part of the lollipop guild..."

Pitt Set to Announce Uniform Change

2009-07-29T21:10:00.002-04:00

Manhattan, NY -

Pitt's Athletic Director, Steve Pederson, has been seen extensively in the Broadway area of NYC in the past 6 months. Inside sources reveal that the humble AD has been taking pointers from the only folks that change costumes more often than the Pitt football team.

Many of those close to the talks were unwilling to speak. However, the Magical Mister Mistofolees gave us quite interesting talking points. "This brutish man comes in and starts asking about how many times we change during a performance. It kind of creeped us out until we understood that he was looking for ways to push the envelope."

Many Pitt fans are unaware but uniforms were the true reason SP was brought back on. We were able to connect with Chancellor Nordy. "Let's face it - Jeff Long just wasn't changing things as much as we'd like at Pitt. He'd go 2, even 3 years without radical uniform changes and that just won't do. So I called up Arkansas and asked them to find Long something in their department. When Steve and I spoke about the position, I said, 'Steve, things are different since you left; the bar has been set higher. What can you do that you didn't do before?'" Nordy continued. "Steve looked me right in the eye, his hand shook and his voice boomed as he stated that he was going to do things that have never been imagined in college athletics. I didn't care what it was at that point; but I knew we had to have him."

According to Chris Ferris inside the Athletic Department, who spoke on condition of anonymity but we didn't care and are printing it anyway, Pederson is going to implement sports' first intra-game uniform changes. Ferris quoted Pederson as saying, "Pitt has been a leader in college athletics in the area of changing decals, logos, mascots, colors, uniforms, and everything in between. But so have a lot of other crap schools just trying to make a quick buck. We're going to up them all, even those crazy European soccer jerk-offs. We're going to change uniforms after each quarter." Ferris commented that changes will take effect in the first game this year. Pitt's goal is to implement at least 2 different color schemes, 3 different "Pitt" fonts, 2 helmets (for each player), and 2 tooth emblems. "2009 is the year of change," Ferris noted. "And if confusing and annoying our fans ever loses it's place as a top priority in this athletic department, by God in heaven, this isn't the place I grew up with. Hail to Pitt!"

Pitt Football 2009 Aims for Return to Conference Highs

2009-07-27T20:24:00.005-04:00

Blawnox -

Welcome to the first article of the 2009 season. We here at Pantherrants feel this is Pitt's time to shine. After posting the best regular season since early in the Reagan administration last year, Pitt is poised to take it's rightful place as a team who, year in and year out, can compete for at least 3rd place in the conference.

The early years of Pitt's conference involvement were not positive. Pitt joined the Big East in 1991 and summarily languished in the bottom half of the conference. However, the glory years came earlier in this decade. Who could forget the 2000 squad? They went out and did something no Pitt team had ever done: won 4 conference games in a season. The mark was equaled the following year and improved upon with a miraculous and whopping 5 conference wins in 2002-2004. That's 15 conference wins in just 3 seasons! Pitt's fan base was not only treated well but spoiled according to fans of some other proud programs such as Rutgers, Utah State, and Rutgers (they're so proud that they get named twice).

2005 saw the advent of the Wannstedt regime. Coach Wannstedt returned Pitt to it's normal place in the Big East standings by winning a total of 9 conference games in his first 3 seasons (an average of 3 games/season for the readers from WVU). Many college football fans were thankful to see Pitt return to the bottom half of the 8 team league. And who could blame them? We all like consistency and Pitt was the model after finishing less than .500 for 14 out of it's first 17 seasons in the Big East.

Unfortunatley for them, Pitt's 2008 squad blew the doors off the college football world by winning 5 conference games in 2008. Proud programs with a long history including South Florida, Connecticut, and Louisville succumbed to the mighty Panthers last season. And history tells us that after winning 5 conference games one season, Pitt should be expected to win 5 more in 2009 (see: 2002-2003)! That's a conference winning percentage of 71% in a BCS league!

Therefore, this writer's bold prediction is that Pitt will return to the glory years of the early 2000's where the program strung together two years of finishing third or fourth in the mighty Big East. Maybe, just maybe (*fingers crossed, dare to dream LOL!), the proud and mighty Pitt Panthers have turned the corner and will have finally reach the promised land. That's right: a program that annually is labeled better than average in the Big East conference.

Belated Congratulations

2009-01-06T19:56:00.003-05:00

No, not to Cav for setting the passing game back 50 years, or Chase Clowser for his excellent display of bull fighting skills he picked up in Juarez. Our praise goes out to BurghGuy68, a legendary poster on both the PantherLair and PantherDigest.

Just yesterday BurghGuy surpassed 20,000 posts on the Digest alone, a shocking feat that takes not only a tremendous amount of free time but also access to a countless amount of inane pictures. Since yesterday Burgh has blown past his record, reaching 20,113 by the time of this post. It is known how many times he ignored his wife and children in the period but our guess is..........a lot.

Congrats, BurghGuy!

James Laurinaitis, All-American

2008-12-17T10:29:00.002-05:00

We here at Panther Rants couldn't be happier that a stiff named James Laurinaitis, owner of an astounding 14 solo tackles in his 4-year career at an Ohio State University, was named Associated Press 1st Team All-American at linebacker. We couldn't agree more with the collection of adroit reporters who think that it takes intestinal fortitude, athletic prowess, and guile to be the last guy in on every tackle. Without Mr. Laurinaitis' efforts, that running back who has already been tackled and has four 300-pound guys sitting on him may very well get up and run for a touchdown. But not on Mr. Laurinaitis' watch!

So to James Laurinaitis, we say, "Bravo!" for watching your teammates do all of the work while you relax and and collect all the accolades. You have a great career ahead of you as the next Junior Seau.

BUTT ROCK FRIDAY

2008-12-05T12:45:00.003-05:00

Well it's been a while since we've done the "BUTT ROCK FRIDAY" segment on this blog. There's been a lot of talk of where Pitt may end up. Charlotte, Birmingham, Toronto, and the list of shitty cities and shitty bowl payments go on. If Pitt win this Saturday, they may be headed to the Sun Bowl. If not, see you in hell my friend.......

Pitt-UConn: A Half Assed Preview

2008-12-04T00:48:00.002-05:00

This weekend, Pitt heads to Storrs were second place in the BE is on the line as well as their bowl destination. The last time Pitt was in Storrs, they were leading 31-17 and a possible bowl bid on the line. That's until they tried running Larod Stephens up the middle about 15 times and UConn came back to send it into overtime. Pitt ended up losing in overtime where the message boards had a meltdown. The famous phrase "WE NEED MORE TIME!" was created.

Pitt

Pitt is 8-3 and 4-2 in Big East play. They are coming off a big win against West Virginia where they have guaranteed bowl bid. They're just not sure where they're going yet.

Pitt's offense is led by LeSean McCoy who has been the backbone of the offense for the whole season. Bill Stull is coming off a shaky start last week and hasn't really been the same since the Rutgers game. He's unsettled in the pocket and has made throws where you'll be shaking your head.

Pitt's defense is led by their front four and they have the depth as well. At Linebacker, it's Butkus Award snub Scott Mckillop whose a tackle machine.

Their secondary has been shaky at times this year. No worries as Eric Thatcher graduates this year.

Connecticut

For the Huskies, it's the same story. Donald Brown leads this offense. He averages 5.4 yards per carry and he's another awards snub.

Connecticut has been unhealthy at quarterback to the point that it became a QB carousel. Tyler Lorenzen has been injured most of the year after a productive Junior year. Pitt is no stranger to Lorenzen. He picked us apart last season. He won't back down this year either.

On defense they are led by DE Cody Brown. Cody leads the team with 10 sacks. At the other end, Julius Williams has 6 sacks. Both of these plays can disrupt an offensive line. Lindsey Witten is their backup and he has 5 sacks on the season.

The Huskies allow 166 yards passing per game and 119 yards rushing. In other words, they're pretty good.

Key Matchups

Pitt's Offensive Line vs. Huskies' Defensive Line - This matchup could make or break Pitt's chances. If the Huskies get a good rush, look for Bill Stull to throw errant passes like a drunk guy trying to throw darts. If that happens, Pitt's line will need to create room for McCoy to run the ball.

Huskies' Offensive Line vs. Pitt Defensive Line - UConn is big up front, but Pitt's defensive line is no stranger to big lines. They have the ability to wear down offensive linemen. This will be key as they'll need to stop Donald Brown from running loose.

Tyler Lorenzen vs. Pitt Secondary - Chances are, Pitt will focus on stopping Brown. Chances are, UConn will take a page out of the Rutgers game and go after the secondary with playaction passes. If that's the case, let's hope Pitt's secondary tries to bat down a pass or two. They'll need to.

Pitt Receivers vs. Huskies Secondary - Pitt has a height advantage on UConn's secondary. A few jump balls to Jonathan Baldwin won't hurt. Porter and Kinder will have to step up as well.

Other Things of Note

Turnovers - Pitt can't afford them. They need to create them.

Austin Ransom and Greg Williams - Can they help contain Brown for 60 minutes?

UConn Passing Game - Can they take some heat off Donald Brown and copy what they did at Heinz last year?

Storrs - Can Pitt finally win there? Do they still blast "Welcome to the Jungle" during the huddle so no one can hear?

DJ Hernandez - Let's hope we don't see much of him on Saturday.

Prediction: I'm not good at these. Watch the game and find out.

Slap 10!

2008-12-02T19:15:00.002-05:00

10. Texas

Yeah...we had to add you on this list despite your record. Despite the fact you beat Oklahoma head to head. Despite your only loss was due to a desperation pass to Michael Crabtree. Despite your quarterback and a high powered offense. Despite all that, Oklahoma is playing in the Big 12 title game and you're not.

9. Georgia

Nice showing against Navy-South. There's a reason for pre-season hype and you're one of those reasons.

8. Central Michigan

Great showing against Michigan. Wait a minute, Michigan sucks. I mean Michigan State. Wait, you didn't play them either. Oh, it was Eastern Michigan!

7. June Jones

Sometimes the grass isn't always greener. I mean who would leave Hawaii for Texas?

6. LSU

Great game against Arkansas. Yeah we know....it's the SEC.

5. Wes Lyons

When you committed to WVU, your dad compared you to Larry Fitzgerald. How tall are you?? 6'5-6'6? Would Larry Fitzgerald let a 5'6 corner push him around? Does Larry Fitzgerald have the concept of out of bounds? Yeah, put up some stats and maybe we can do the comparison. Last time I check, Fitzgerald is a Pro Bowl receiver

4. Oregon State

You didn't think you'd be heading to the Rose Bowl did you? Penn State throttled you the last time you played them. The PAC-10 has a lot more sense than to let you into the Rose Bowl.

3. Auburn

Glad to see your new defensive coordinator is working out. Have fun watching Bama in the title game.

2. Pat White

Boy did Bill Stewart F' you up. They tried to convert you from a runner to a passer. It didn't work out too well this season. Looks like you'll be hanging with Major Harris signing autographs in Morgantown next season when your NFL career is short. You can always meow for us one more time.

1. Notre Dame

We just heard Weis is back for one more season. We're happy to witness another miserable season for the Irish. Maybe you'll score more than three points against USC next season where it can deemed as "progress".

Pitt-WVU: The Aftermath

2008-12-01T01:26:00.002-05:00

Let's take a look at some old video. Here's Pat White in 2006:

Here's Pat White in 2008:

"The tears in West Virginia quarterback Pat White's eyes told the story.

White made a critical mistake, one that handed Pitt a 19-15 victory against West Virginia Friday afternoon in the 101st Backyard Brawl before 63,019 at Heinz Field.

"I've been balling my eyes out," White said after the game. "I felt my mistakes hurt us. Those two picks were the game.""

Can you see the difference? This was a Pat White who not only use to ran past us, but had his fun in mocking us as well. On Friday, the Pitt defense sent him back to Morgantown crying like a little bitch. WVU fans thought 2007 was a fluke and their former coach blew the game. This year proved it was no fluke. In fact, look at the game film from the 2005 and 2006 brawls. Pitt may have surrendered tons of rushing yards, but they were in those games mathematically until the 4th quarter. Maybe Pitt knew what they were doing all along, but just couldn't "run faster".

WVU didn't beat themselves either. Actually both teams were beating themselves. Each team had opportunities to put the game away.

Pitt

Pitt left a good share of points for the taking in first half. They were on their way to 14-0 when a penalty sent them for a missed field goal. Then before halftime when Shady was running all over the WVU defense, Pitt calls a fade pass that got intercepted in the end zone. This was one of those Pitt games we all know and love. The ones where your hands just shake and you need some pills or a bottle of Jack. Maybe even both.

I'm not mad at Bill Stull's pathetic attempt of a fade pass. I'm not mad at Jonathan Baldwin for not being "more aggressive" to get the ball or bat it away. Neither player should have been in this position. The reason is that call should have never been made in first place. I can just imagine the conversation between Wannstedt and Cav on the sideline when they made that call. It reminds of the scene from "Airplane" when it was suggested to Rex Kramer (Robert Stack)
on whether they should turn on the search lights or not.

Wanny: You know Matt, Shady's been running well. We have some timeouts. Maybe we should let Shady run it in.

Cav: No! That's what they'd be expecting us to do. F' it. Run the fade to Stull.

After that it was downhill...until.....

WVU

I enjoy hearing when WVU fans mention Pat White's statistics as a passer. Pat White makes plays due to his ability to run around. You just don't know what he's going to do at times. When he's in the pocket, it's a different story. He didn't get much help from his receivers. They dropped a touchdown pass which would have given them the lead at one point in the 2nd half.

Speaking of that play, I didn't understand why the DB's and safeties were playing close to the line. It was a bullet they dodged.

Late in the fourth quarter, White had a chance to eat the ball and keep the clock going. Instead, he handed Jovani Chappel an early X-mas gift.

Then it was downhill for WVU.......

Aftermath

Bill Stull hasn't been the same since Rutgers. He played so badly in the second half, that the staff gave up on him and just pounded the ball. His last interception made people say "WTF?!?". Right now, he's all we have at this position.

The defense is what won the game for Pitt. They made Noel Devine sterile, except for when he has his next date. She'll find out in nine months. When Wes Lyons committed to WVU, his dad named him "The Next Larry Fitz". Instead, he's just a useless tall receiver who has no concept of white lines. He couldn't get out of bounds on the last drive. Two passes that went to him in the endzone, he was out of bounds on both plays and came back in. It's pretty bad when you get manhandled by a 5'6 cornerback. At least he's seen the field more than his older brother did. He can brag about that at family dinners.

If you're a hoopie, you feel bad for Pat White. This is not the way you saw his final season. The staff did him in and tried to make him a passer. He's Mike Vick without the illegal activity.

Slap 10!

2008-11-25T01:27:00.002-05:00

Another week has gone by, and we get our usual gang of idiots....

10. Florida

Who in the hell schedules Citadel this time of the year? I guess it was to make sure your BCS implications weren't wounded and Tim Tebow can win another Heisman. Choosing between Urban Meyer and Nick Saban is like picking which douchebag to win the "collar up" contest.

9. LSU

Don't worry, we'll get to hear how you play in the NFC East of college football.

8. Minnesota

That 7-1 start was nice. Finishing 7-5 with a 55-0 blowout against Iowa was even more funnier.
7. Maryland

Way to shit the bed when a chance to face Cincinnati in the Orange Bowl is on the line. I guess the Fridge was too busy eating pudding to find a way to beat FSU where most of their team is on probation. Keep on losing your state's top recruits to Penn State.

6. North Carolina

You guys lost to a bad NC State team....real bad.....NEXT!

5. Wisconsin

Great win over Cal......Cal-Poly. Way to add to the reasons why Penn State would never make it to the title game undefeated. I imagine you and Michigan got together and said "Hey Penn State just might make a run at the title game. Let's suck this season to make sure!"

4. Michigan State

We all knew this was coming. You're always due for some sort of bitch-up. You let KorDarryl Clark pass all over you. You couldn't even defend the smurfs they had at WR. MAKE PLAYS!

3. Pitt

A team you beat the last three years, you meet them for their biggest home game ever. Not to mention their ring of honor is full of football legends most of us have never heard of. Look to add Tony Pike to that "Ring of Honor" after that performance.

2. Texas Tech

I think a lot of people knew you weren't going to leave the Big 12 unharmed. The game was over by halftime. Looks like you couldn't score your 5o or so points to match them.

1. Notre Dame

Akron beat Syracuse. Hell everyone beat Syracuse. Good luck in getting pasted in your bowl game. WAKE UP THE ECHOS!!!

Final Thoughts on Pitt-Cincinnati

2008-11-25T01:01:00.003-05:00

When I think of this past Saturday's loss, this song comes to mind......

Talk about a missed opportunity at a Big East title and a BCS bid. It could be worse, we could be Syracuse. I could say Notre Dame, but they're headed to the Sun Bowl.

One thing is for certain: Pitt fans will be contemplating which travel plans to make for whatever bowl game they'll be in. Whether it's buying passports, tossing lug nuts on Heinz Field after the backyard brawl, or just saying "F*** it, I'm staying home."

So it's time to play the blame game. Let's look at the list....

Bill Stull: Stull didn't have a lights out game, but neither did Pat Bostick when Pitt beat Cincinnati last year. What you see is what you get with Stull. He's not going to light it up. He'll manage the game, move the ball, etc. Cincy's defense challenged Pitt to throw. Which comes to my next part.....

The receivers: While Stull isn't exactly a world beater, the receivers helped the cause by dropping passes.

Offensive Line: I'm not sure what the staff sees in Dom Williams other than he's a senior. Other than that, I'm thankful Bill Stull made it home alive.

Defense: Not much to be desired here. Got little pressure on Tony Pike, couldn't defend the dink and dunk passes or the deep ones. We can only count the days until Eric Thatcher graduates.

So who's to blame? The big difference between last year's win and this year's loss was turnovers. Pitt forced Ben Mauk into turning the ball over three times in the fourth quarter and Pitt was able to take advantage. The blame falls on everyone from the players to the staff. It's called preparation, gentlemen. Now we get to see a fan base of MAC proportions head to the Orange Bowl. I bet Florida is really going to love the matchup in this game.

What's Next? Pitt needs to finish strong, or they'll be hanging out in Toronto.

Big East Stock Market

2008-11-20T00:46:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since we checked the Big East Market. Let's take a look at who's hot...and who's not....

1. Rutgers

Clearly the hottest stock in the Big East thus far. Rutgers has won five of their last six games. Their offense has finally clicked ( Thanks, Pitt). Their defense has been pretty tough as well. They have Army to face this week and then they close the season against Louisville.

Advice: Don't sell until close of season, it's going to keep rising.

2. Cincinnati

Winners of seven of their last eight games. They finally beat Louisville and West Virginia. They did this in two consecutive weeks. Things get a bit testy as they face Pitt this Saturday.

Advice: Sell while it's hot. Cincy has last their last three to Pitt.

3. Pitt

Pitt has won their last two games. Their last one was a total ass-beating of Louisville where we saw some cold streaks broken. Pitt has a tough schedule ahead with Cincy, West Virginia, and Connecticut. It's hard to say if they'll win all three games. UConn has had Pitt's number.

Advice: Sell

4. West Virginia

West Virginia's stock rose rapidly winning their next five games after the loss to Colorado. Their stock leveled off a bit after the loss to Cincinnati. Their next three games are against Louisville, Pitt, and South Florida. WVU hasn't fared too well against USF as of late.

Advice: Sell after the Louisville game. Pitt game is to risky.

5. Connecticut

Connecticut got off to a nice 5-0 start, but have lost three of their last five. The main reason was their schedule got a lot tougher and their injuries at quarterback have left them relying on Donald Brown a bit too much. Their stock should tumble more as the Randy Edsal rumors start to heat up.

Advice: Sell.

6. South Florida

The Bulls got off to a nice 6-1 start, but have clowned their way out of Big East contention. Their next two games are UConn and West Virginia. The Matt Grothe bandwagon just left town.

Advice: Sell what you got.

7. Louisville

Steve Kragthorpe should be on the hotseat soon...if he isn't already. Their golden era has come and passed.

Advice: Don't even bother

8. Syracuse

Their stock should rise a bit next season as the Greg Robinson era comes to a close.

Advice: None needed.

Biggest Game in School History

2008-11-19T01:47:00.002-05:00

This Saturday's Pitt-Cincinnati Game will be the "Biggest Home Game in School History" for the Bearcats. The Panthers have been able to accommodate other teams as their biggest home game. Let's take a look at some games in recent memory.

2003 - Pitt vs. Toledo

Pitt was ranked in the Top 10 and had a lot of hype before the season. Pitt was a favorite to win the Big East according to some media sources. Things looked pretty good. I remember listening to the radio as Pitt passed all over their opponent. At one point, it was 24-14 with Pitt leading. Then it was downhill from there. Toledo's spread offense led by Bruce Gradkowski marched down the field with Pitt leading 31-28 and eventually scored the game winning TD. Just when we thought the worst was behind us, Pitt bitched it up against a MAC opponent. 2003 would have a lot more blunders to come.

2004 - Pitt vs. UConn

This was UConn's first season in the Big East so this game was huge for them. This game was well known for the infamous "slide play" where Pitt positioned themselves for field goal before halftime, but with enough time to score a touchdown. Clint Sessions was quoted for thinking Pitt had this game in hand. They were losing at halftime. Pitt couldn't stop UConn's spread offense...see a pattern here? Pitt would end up heading to a BCS bowl in a smaller Big East.

2005 - Pitt vs. Ohio

The second game in the Dave Wannstedt era. It started off well when Pitt took the opening kickoff for a touchdown. Then it was downhill from there. Tyler Palko threw two touchdown passes in this game....to the other team. Pitt couldn't run the ball..let alone throw it. Pitt would lose this game in overtime with Palko's game winning touchdown pass to Ohio's Dion Bynum. Pitt would end up 5-6 on the season.

2005 - Pitt vs. Rutgers

This was the "turning the corner" game for Rutgers. One vivid memory of this game is where Pitt had a short yardage situation where Palko ran about fifteen yards backwards and took a sack. There a lot more comedy of errors in this game. Pitt looked so damn slow in this game. On the upside, Pitt did manage to come back. They just fell short....many times during 2005-2007.

2007 - Pitt vs. West Virginia

You didn't think this column would just cover all of Pitt's losses..did ya? West Virginia came into the game ranked #2 in the BCS playing a Pitt team led by a true freshman at quarterback. Pitt was also 4-8 and couldn't buy a break. West Virginia, who rolled up many yards rushing on Pitt the last two seasons, hit a brick wall. Pat White left the game early and returned. Even he couldn't rally the Mountaineers. Pat Mcafee missed two easy chip shots and WVU had their share of turnovers. In the end, Pitt would win the biggest game in Backyard Brawl history and RichRod left for Ann Arbor with a sore vagina.

Slap Five!

2008-11-18T00:41:00.002-05:00

Panther Rants returns after a bye week where we did absolutely nothing. Today, we bring you the Slap Five. Due to some budget cuts, we can't bring you the Slap 10. Not to mention there wasn't much happening to make the honor roll complete. Lack of enrollment.

5. Illinois

Your latest piece of work should have made Comedy Central. A fumble on your doorstep, an interception near the goal line, a block punt, a roughing call late in the game, etc. From Rose Bowl last season to a possible Toilet Bowl. Juice Williams learned a lot from Donovan Mcnabb's passing camp this past offseason: How to be good one week, and suck the next week.

4. Tulsa

Scoring tons of points this season has caught up to you. Arkansas beats you and Houston rings 70 points on you. Looks like you're out of the Top 25 for the rest of the season. You may be out of the CUSA championship this season if you keep this up.

3. Minnesota

Not only do you blow of 21-7 lead, but you surrender two safeties that end up costing you the game. At least the pundits can now say the "Big Ten is a tough conference".

2. South Florida

All the hype is gone. From a Big East favorite to a possible trip to Toronto. Toronto isn't bad this time of year. Wait..I forgot..it's up north and it's winter. We're not sure if you'll play in a dome and we really don't care to look it up.

1. Greg Robinson

The only thing tolerable from the Greg Robinson era has to be the blog "Troy Nunes is an Absolute Magician." This blog made Syracuse football fun to watch and read about. You took a program that had tradition dating back to Jim Brown and Ernie Davis to a program that's on the level of Temple Football. We knew Syracuse Football was in trouble when Perry Patterson was your quarterback in an offense that didn't fit his abilities. Anytime Larod Stephens runs for 200 yards on you, your coaching career isn't going to last long after that. Hell Pitt rarely wins at the Dome and they did it twice in your tenure. Hell a lot more teams did it too.

The Streaks Are over!

2008-11-11T23:34:00.002-05:00

The Pick-Six Watch is Over! The Fumble-Six Watch is Over!

We were way off on who would be the lucky defender to intercept a pass and run it in for a touchdown. We figured it would be one of the players in the secondary. I guess this is why we're mediocre bloggers. In the end, it was dependable Scott Mckillop. Watching the game, Louisville was begging to be intercepted and a touchdown being scored the other way. Pitt's defense went two years without a pick-six. Let's hope we see more in the future.

It's hard to determine when it was the last time Pitt's defense returned a fumble for a touchdown. We think this dates back to 2003 or 2004. Ricky Gary was the lucky person to end this streak.

SLAP 10!

2008-11-10T00:53:00.002-05:00

The Slap 10 this week is dominated by the Big Ten. There are four Big Ten teams in this week's honor roll. Let's take a look.....

10. Indiana

Hope you enjoyed your bowl game last year. It will be the last one you'll have for the next 20 or so years.

9. Tennessee

While Phil Fulmer is retired from our list, you're not. This season just keeps getting more comical. A loss to Wyoming. So much for the Rocky Top.....

8. Notre Dame

Still can't beat Boston College. Jimmy Clausen had a great showing. Looks like those Gator Bowl hopes are fading away. There's always Toronto...it's not a bad place. Just ask the Big East.

7. West Virginia

You've made the Big East race wide open now. To think you wasted the efforts of Pat Mcafee who made a clutch field goal to send it into overtime and he made a field goal in overtime. Now we have to wonder if Cincinnati will represent us in the BCS.

6. Jarrett Lee

Third and long in overtime against the #1 team in the nation. Do you play for the field goal or get a first down? Ah you had a better idea. Throw an interception.

5. Doug Beaumont

Looks like you caught the same disease of returning punts that haunted Aaron Berry. Thanks for spotting us some points. You were the MVP of the Pitt-Louisville game.

4. Illinois

I guess all the hype from last season is gone. Western Michigan?!? Guess Juice Williams will need another passing camp to attend.

3. TCU

Way to keep Utah's BCS hopes alive. Now they'll wait and see which Big East team they're gonna play.

2. Minnesota

It's been a comical two weeks for you. Last week was a pick-six to lose the game. This week, you lose to a bad Michigan team. Even Purdue beat Michigan. Hell, Toledo beat Michigan.

1. Penn State

There will be no more whining about the polls. Now, we get to enjoy all the conspiracy theories for the rest of the season. The officiating, the holding, the wind, and the final drive. You've stooped yourselves as to blaming the benches with no heating. You had an easy road to the BCS, but puckered big time. Maybe if your secondary would spend more time practicing than beating up college students, they would have defended Iowa's passing game a lot better.

Best Damn WLAT Show!

2008-11-06T23:37:00.002-05:00

Walt Harris: Welcome to the Best Damn WLAT Show! I am your host as always. Making his return to the show is my sidekick, Kevan Barlow. Kevan had his tryout with the Erie RiverRats and as always.......

Kevan: How's the job hunt coming, punk? Did Washington or Tennessee call you yet?

Walt: What job hunt? I don't need a job. Stanford is still paying me. I get to hang out in Pittsburgh and watch my former employer find a way to beat Rutgers.

Kevan: I just watched them beat Notre Dame this past Saturday. They're 6-2 and ranked again.

Walt: Which means they'll lose this week. They suck at home and they do worse when they're ranked.

Kevan: Was Pitt ever ranked when you coached?

Walt: 2002, 2003, and 2004...hot shot.

Kevan: Took you long enough, chapstick. Wanny has them ranked in his fourth year.

Walt: Yeah, but he has LeSean McCoy. I had to start out with players like Matt Lytle and Kevan...

Kevan: Don't even go there!

Walt: Speaking of Louisville, is Brian Brohm still there?

Kevan: No, it's Hunter Cantwell. Brian plays in the NFL. Think about it, you couldn't send one QB to get drafted in the NFL when you were at Pitt. Hell Trent Edwards managed to get drafted in your tenure at Stanford.

Walt: Didn't this blog face a little controversy when Pitt played Louisville last year?

Kevan: Yeah, they said Brian Brohm had a down-sydromish face.

Walt: Well any good QB would need their head checked if they stayed another year to play under Steve Kragthorpe.

Kevan: Actually, Brian didn't have a bad season. It's the defense that sucked. It reminded me of that Pitt defense of 2003.

Walt: Well let's go to some fan mail:

Dear Walt,

I took a job at Washington and now I'm out of the job after some really bad seasons. Where do you go from here after a bad stint? Do you coach in the MAC? Join the World Series of Poker? I mean what do you do with the economy being in bad shape?

Signed,

Ty from a hotel room

Walt: Sounds like a man down on his luck.

Kevan: He joined a fraternity of head coaches that went out West and got fired. Kind of like you....

Walt: Hold that thought. Kevan, the Steelers are on the phone. Willie Parker just got hurt again! They need you!

Kevan: Really?!?

Walt: Ha Ha, just joking.

Kevan: asshole.

Walt: Well as for Ty....all I can say is enjoy earning whatever money the University will give you for doing such a crappy job. That's what I have done. I hang out at Denny's, eat Grand Slams, and bang cheap waitresses. I also have my own show. Look at the picture at the top. Kevan even does prep work for Denny's when he's not on this show. I heard he doesn't fumble the food either.

Kevan: Why don't you take off those sunglasses. Pat Hoderny called to say Summer's over.

Walt: Now I'm gonna kick your ass........

Big East Stock Market

2008-11-06T20:58:00.006-05:00

It's been a while since we've looked the Dow-Tranghese. Let's take a look at how the market has changed.....

1. West Virginia

The Big East title goes through Morgantown....again. It could be worse. It could have went through Storrs. West Virginia has seen their stock rise since Big East play started. They have Cincinnati this week which should not be much of a worry. The Bearcats have lost their last three to the inbreds.

Advice: Buy

2. Pitt

Their stock took a plunge against Rutgers, but made a nice recovery against Notre Dame. They play Louisville this week where they haven't beat them since the Cards joined the Big East. Pitt does not fare well when they are ranked or playing at home.

Advice: All factors say to sell. I'd say buy it.

3. Connecticut

UConn's meltdown against WVU made their stock drop a bit. Randy Edsall is a good coach, but he needs more talent to get to the next level. UConn has a bye week, but plays Syracuse next. North Carolina isn't bad this time of year.

4. Cincinnati

The Bearcats could rise into the Top 3 if they beat WVU this week. If Tony Pike had an extra week to heal, maybe the Bearcats beat UConn.

Advice: Buy. Their offense is getting better and their defense is still tough.

5. South Florida

South Florida was looking pretty a few weeks back being in the Top Ten. After having their balls clipped from Pitt, Louisville, and Cincinnati......the Bulls seemed to have been neutered out of the Big East race. They're off this week. Time to rest those hooves.

Advice: Sell.....

6. Louisville

Louisville's stock has been bipolar. One week, they'll beat Kansas State. Next week, they drop a heartbreaker against UConn. The'll beat South Florida and then lose to Syracuse the next week. They got Pitt this week so here's their shot at redemption...again.

Advice: Sell. There may be no redemption this Saturday.

7. Rutgers

Rutgers has won their last two games and has a good shot at a bowl bid. They face Syracuse, Army, and Louisville in the upcoming weeks. All of these teams are beatable. Looks like they can continue expanding their stadium.

Advice: Buy

8. Syracuse

They got their token Big East win last week against Louisville. Expect to see some rise in their stock next season when they fire Greg Robinson.

Advice: I don't think any is needed.

Slap 10!

2008-11-03T23:30:00.003-05:00

Another week gone from College Football. As usual, we look at this week's screwups. There were a wealth of them from college coaches to college players. Let's take a look at the list.....

10. UAB

70 points surrendered this past weekend. With Bama doing well, no one really notices in your home state....except for us. Well..basketball season is ahead.

9. Oderick Turner

The announcers said they wouldn't trust you with a newborn....ouch. Hell there's a lot things we wouldn't trust you with.....being a waiter, a pizza delivery guy, a stockboy, a starbucks coffee server, and the list goes on. To give you credit, you made a nice play on that 4th and 1. I think defensive back may have been a better option for you. You tend to be the 12th guy on the field for opposing defenses.

8. Tulsa

This puts an end to any Conference USA hype. A loss to a bad Arkansas team officially ended your BCS hopes. Good luck against whatever Big East team you'll play in your bowl game and continue to boost everyone's fantasy football scores.

7. Nebraska

Yeah...it's going to take some time. When you're subjected to Bill Callahan, Steve Pederson's wrongdoings, and Larry the Cable Guy....then it's long road to recovery. Almost like Amy Winehouse going to rehab.

6. Phil Fulmer

This will be your last visit to the Slap 10. Not to pile on..because you're fat enough as it is, but the 90's were pretty good to you. Just ask MC Hammer, Alternative Music, Vanilla Ice, Boy Bands, Dallas Cowboys, etc. The 90's were good to them. In the new millenium, you showed us many of your assclown moments. Go have drink with Johnny Majors.

5. Charlie Weis

Way to manage that 17-3 lead Pitt spotted you on Saturday. 1-3 against teams .500 and over. Your attempt to bring ND back to glory may end up just like your bypass surgery that tried to make you skinnier.

4. Marcus Sims

RJ English called, he wants to know if you'd like to hang out. Tim Worley is calling as well. I'm not sure if he still likes to party. Then again, he was the Bobby Brown of Georgia football.

3. Georgia

Great showing on Saturday. The SEC is really a tough conference this season. The only thing you manage to do was to launch Florida into the national title picture. Another reason PSU fans are pissed.

2. Minnesota

Great play call at the near end of regulation. Great throw by your quarterback. When you throw an interception, it usually helps to tackle the guy with the ball. I can't believe no one can't beat a team full of midgets in your conference.

1. Louisville

You're number one this week because Greg Robinson has owned you the past two seasons. Once Bobby Petrino left, the golden age of Cardinal Football went with him. On a good note, you'll be heading to Heinz Field this Saturday where Pitt has had a hard time winning.

Rants Review

2008-11-02T01:38:00.002-04:00

I imagine you're hands have quit shaking from the adrenaline of Pitt-ND Game. So let's look at some random thoughts from the game.

The QB Carousel: First snap of the game, Pitt gets a false start. Then we do two run plays that get nothing. After that, the obvious screen pass is coming and it fails. Bostick is then replaced by Kevan Smith. At the time, choosing between these two is like choosing which gun to shoot yourself with. Neither looked good in the first half.

New Item to the Pitt drinking game: One drink after each Oderick Turner drop. Oderick is usually good for at least two drops per game. It got to the point where the announcer made a reference to Oderick holding a newborn baby. Ouch..........

Ugly Half: The first half was an ugly one. It looked to be another bad Pitt game. Pitt blocks a punt, then Pat Bostick trips over his linemen. End of the half was a nightmare. Clausen throws a deep pass that's batted then caught. That play was reminiscent as to what we see in Pitt-ND games. ND scored on that drive. The play itself brings back nightmares of the RJ English debacle of 2001.

On our next possession, Bostick throws an INT and ND scores another TD before halftime.

One Crazy Comeback: Pitt scores 14 unanswered points to tie the game. ND then scores on the next drive. Pitt scores again on the same play call. Each team would get the lead by a FG in overtime, then the other team would score. Pitt holds the Irish to a 48 yard FG and the kicker makes it.

This sequence from the 4th quarter on reminded me of the movie "One Crazy Summer". It was the part where the one guy sat in his bedroom all summer waiting for the one million dollar call. He then gets on the air for the winning call and he's so happy that he jerks the phone cord from the wall...ending his hopes. The radio station then gets blown up by a missile. Luckily, none of us had to resort to those measures.

Some other stuff:

Pat Bostick: Threw three picks, but helped set up the tying touchdown in the 4th quarter. Some of things he did weren't pretty, but it worked and Pitt got the win.

Shady McCoy: Just saw him running up I-376. The ND Defense is still chasing him.

Jonathan Baldwin: Gets better every game.

The Oline: Gets better every week.

The Defense: They their ups and downs today. Golden Tate was a thorn in their side. They kept ND out of the endzone for most of the second half and all of overtime. The secondary had their problems early in the game, but stepped up with the game on the line.

Connor Lee: He's money.

John Taglianetti: We didn't know he played for Pitt. Thanks NBC Announcers.

Pitt-Notre Dame: A Half Assed Preview

2008-10-29T19:44:00.003-04:00

Well it's time to look forward to this Saturday as the Panthers head to South Bend to face the Fighting Fat Charlie's. If only the whole team was fat. Maybe not the receivers. They'd squash Aaron Berry and Jovanni Chappel. Let's look at the tale of the tape.

Pitt

Is 5-2 and no longer ranked. Bill Stull left last week's game in the 3rd quarter due to injury. Before he left, he was having one of the best games so far this season. Nothing has been official about his status for this Saturday. If he's not ready go, It's up to Pat Bostick.

Pitt's offensive line took a big hit when Rob Houser was lost for the season. This so reminds me of 2006 when Simonitis went down. CJ Davis will move to center and Dom Williams will take his place.

LeSean McCoy had a monster game and probably should have gotten the ball a lot more. Jonathan Baldwin and TJ Porter also put up some nice stats.

On defense, they had their worst game of the season. Enough said.

Notre Dame

They're 5-2 on the season, but 1-2 against teams .500 and over.

They're led by Jimmy Clausen who is putting up some big numbers in a few games this season. When he's on his game, he's dangerous to opposing defenses. When he's off his game, he's dangerous to his own team.

As for the running game, the carries seem to be split between Armando Allen, Robert Hughes, and James Aldridge. Their best rushing output was against Purdue when Armando Allen ran for 134 yards.

At receiver, they are led by Golden Tate. Michael Floyd is also a big targetat 6'2 and he's been getting some attention as well. They also have a big 6'6 Tight End in Kyle Rudolph.

Defensively, they've been up and down. Judging from the stats, they seem to have issues in stopping the running game.

Key Matchups

Pitt Passing Game vs. Notre Dame Defense: This all comes down to who takes the snaps for Pitt on Saturday. If it's Bill Stull, Pitt has a chance. If it's Pat Bostick, it's not going to look good. It depends if it's the Pat Bostick of last season. ND is big on defense. They play a 3-4 where they have a lot of height in the front seven. Pitt will need big plays from TJ Porter and Jonathan Baldwin. They may even consider getting Nate Byham and Dorin Dickerson involved.

ND Passing Game vs. Pitt Secondary: This matchup could make or break the game. If Pitt's secondary has a repeat performance from last week, it will be another long day. Jimmy Clausen is not the same player from last season. He's confident and will air the ball out. Aaron Berry will need to make up for last week's debacle and Pitt will need their safeties to attempt to cover somebody. If Jimmy is off his game, Pitt may be in luck. ND has receivers that can make plays. They'll have to keep that to a minimum.

Other Key Items

LeSean McCoy: Can he have another big game? He'll face a 3-4 defense with four linebackers coming after him. Pitt will need him the most.

ND Running Game: Mike Teel didn't have a breakout game until he met Pitt. Will ND break out against Pitt?

Pitt defense: Can they pressure Clausen? ND's big offensive line will be a challenge. If they can't touch Clausen, they're screwed.

Prediction: Last week, Pitt seemed focused on stopping the run. This game, they may be focused on stopping the pass. First off, can they recover from last week? It's no secret that Weis will attack Pitt's weaknesses like he did back in 2005. Look for ND to use screen passes again against Pitt. They'll most likely go after Pitt's safeties as well. Pitt's luck against ND has never been good.

Edited: Last week, I predicted a Pitt win..we lost. I predicted an Irish win today, we won. Hmmm....

Slap 10!

2008-10-29T01:31:00.003-04:00

This past weekend in college football, we had a wealth of slaps make the list. There were so many, that we had to narrow the list down. Let's take a look at the list.....

10. Michigan

Michigan will make it's final appearance in the Slap 10. They're 2-6 and have no hope for a bowl game unless they pull off some sort of miracle. They''ll need to open the pocketbooks a lot more and get some more help from Big Ten officials. On defense, they need to run faster. On offense, Brandon Minor is their only saving grace. Congrats Michigan, this will be your final appearance in any top ten. Maybe Morgantown isn't so bad after all, Coach Rod.

9. Kansas

Great showing against Texas Tech. We had hopes of seeing a high scoring game, and it was. Texas Tech just scored all the points. No more hype for you guys. Mangino just ate another football player.

8. Kansas State

Bad weekend for Kansas teams in the Fat 12. 55 points allowed in one half. It's only against Oklahoma so giving up over 50 points could be worse if it was another team...hmm....

7. Kentucky

Five points against Florida. That's all your team scored.....just five lousy points. The Tim Tebow lovefest continues....

6. Auburn

Looks like the offense got "Rhoads Blocked" in the second half against WVU. The defense allowed all lanes of traffic to be opened. Pitt fans still can't figure who was responsible for the bad days the defense had...Wanny or Jumper? Noel Devine is "still running".

5. Terrelle Pryor

Not to pile up on a young true freshman, but......this isn't high school anymore. Navarro Bowman stole your lunch money....and any chance at a Big Ten title. At least, we won't get to see Ohio State choke in the BCS title game for the third year in a row.

4. Colorado

IT'S DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL!!! IT'S THE BIG 12!!!! THIS AIN'T INTERMURALS! You guys looked like an intermural team on Saturday against Missouri. Beating WVU, makes the Big East look bad as every week passes. How did you do it?

3. Ty Willingham

2002 was supposedly Notre Dame's "Return to Glory". That was after that 9-0 start where they would lose out the rest of the season. There was talk Notre Dame was "unfair" to fire you. Maybe Notre Dame knew something we all didn't know. The Washington program has been set back a couple more years. Good Job. Syracuse may be calling.

2. Aaron Berry

Yes, we hate to pile it on you as well. We just saw Kenny Britt running around on I-81 while you're on the Turnpike trying to hitchhike a ride to catch up with him. That fumbled punt was the icing on the cake to a bad Saturday at Heinz Field. Good Luck against Jimmy Clausen.

1. Pitt

Pitt is the Billy Hoyle of the Big East. Billy Hoyle was the white guy off "White Men Can't Jump" who couldn't help himself to bitch something up every time he had some sort of good luck come his way. When I think of the Rutgers game, I think of the part where Billy had three chances to prove his buddy Sidney that he could dunk. He failed on all three attempts.

As for the loss, I'm reminded when Billy when home at night to his woman and he just mutters "It Happened Again.......".

Gloria represents the Pitt fan base. Just when when Pitt fans think you've come around, you do something to turn them away again. It happened with Bowling Green. Now it's Rutgers. You made Mike Teel into a Heisman candidate in one afternoon. 54 points to a team who hasn't done much offensively this season. The rest of the season doesn't get any better. Just make the trip to Toronto and be done with it.

LINK!

2008-10-27T22:53:00.002-04:00

LINK! provided to a great blog thrown up by Paul Zeise about the state of Pitt football.

Mike Teel Just Threw Another Touchdown Pass

2008-10-25T23:54:00.003-04:00

We have received word at 11pm that Mike Teel has just thrown another touchdown pass. Teel torched the Panthers today for six touchdown passes and he hasn't stopped since the game ended around 7pm. He has just been ushered out of Heinz Field and has been escorted to the team bus before any more Panther defenders get torched. They stopped at Elijah Fields.

No word from UPMC-Presbyterian of the condition of the Panthers secondary. We received reports of third-degree burns and burnt toast smell at Heinz Field. Aaron Berry seems to be the one most affected from being burned. It was so bad that he had difficulty fielding punts. Eric Thatcher is still having nightmares of Kenny Britt eating his lunch.

On a side note.....

It's looking to be 2006 all over again. 5-1, nationally ranked, playing in front of a nice crowd. Yep, Pitt did it again. They played with our hearts, and they lost the game. Once Pitt went ahead 7-0 and Rutgers burned them on playaction, just about everyone knew what we were about to experience. Most were in denial. It didn't really sink in until it was 21-7. Not to mention the fake field goal and then Rutgers scoring again.

Pitt offense played well until Bill Stull went down. Stull was having a good game as well as McCoy. They put up 34 points..maybe more if Stull doesn't leave the game. To add insult to injury, we lose our center for the season. It seems bad luck can't escape the Pitt Football Program.

Does Pitt recover for this? If not, we know this much:

This is Pitt Football. This is who we are. This is what we do.

BEST DAMN WLAT SHOW PERIOD!

2008-10-24T02:01:00.004-04:00

Walt Harris: Welcome back to the Best Damn WLAT Show! We took some time off from the last show as I was in Key Largo.....

Rod Rutherford: How was Key Largo?

Walt: It was great. I got to see Bertie Higgins perform live and got to hang out with him back stage.

Rod: Real cool, coach. Did you party at all while you were down there?

Walt: Of course I did. There's nothing slowing me down.

Rod: Like waiting for Steve Pederson to give you a call?

Walt: Here...see for yourself........

Rod: You didn't.....

Walt: Of course I did. I told you there's nothing slowing me down. I love being unemployed. I get more time to what I've always wanted in life....

Rod: What's that?

Walt: Hang out and screw hot chicks.

Tyler Palko: So you like older chicks because as you get older, they stay the same age?

Walt: Tyler, I didn't realize you were still here. I thought you were back in class learning something.

Tyler: Well that, and for Kansas City to call me. If Brodie Croyle and Damon Huard can have a roster spot, I think I should too.

Walt: After what you did in Tampa, you and Larry Johnson could be good drinking pals.

Tyler: Coach, Larry abuses women.....

Rod: So you abuse men?

Tyler: No, opposing defenders.....

Rod: I think you need to get out of 2004. It's 2008.....

Tyler: Ask my fans....it's 2004. We just beat Notre Dame. I threw five touchdown passes! Everyone loves me! The fans want me back as a coach!

Walt: They wanted me back as the coach. So where's Kevan at today? He called and told me he couldn't make it.

Rod: Erie called him. He's up there looking for a roster spot.

Walt: So how was the show with me gone? Who did you have as a guest?

Rod: No one.....

Tyler: You're so full of it. Coach they had......

Rod: ALL OUT BLITZ!

( Tyler runs off stage )

Walt: So what did you guys do when I was gone?

Rod: Ahh....you know...we hung out....talked football....

Walt: Sure....what did you talk about?

Rod: Pitt being 4-1.....looking ahead to the Navy Game. Stull is getting better. He's completing passes...got about three touchdown passes and four picks.

Walt: That sounds like a normal game for you like when we played WVU in 2003.

Rod: Yeah and we quit utilizing Larry Fitz because we had no one else to throw to. Wasn't Ray Kirkley our running back for that game?

Walt: That was too long ago.

Rod: Well you got some mail here. Dear Walt, when will you be coaching on Sundays?

Walt: I hardly believe that's a letter. I think you're playing a joke.

Rod: No, it's from Steve from Seneca.

Walt: Well Steve, I've been talking to Al Davis. That guy is so senile, he'll hire anyone. My other option is the Syracuse job since Greg Robinson will be having his own show soon.

Rod: Why Syracuse?

Walt: The Big East plays on Sundays too.....

Pitt vs. Rutgers: A Half Assed Preview

2008-10-23T01:21:00.003-04:00

Pitt

They're 5-1 coming off a victory against the Midshipmen. Bill Stull is 5-1 as the starter which has really started to frighten most Pitt fans. He's showing improvement every week and he's even making use of the deep ball to Jonathan Baldwin.

LeSean McCoy and Larod Stephens have been tearing up opposing defenses as of late. Even Conredge Collins has joined the act. Derek Kinder is getting back to his old form and Oderick Turner is showing signs of life.

On defense, they getting pressure on the quarterback. They forced their share of turnovers against Navy last week.

Rutgers

Rutgers is 2-5 coming off an upset against Connecticut. Mike Teel has shown some improvement since the time he punched his teammate. Statistically, he's put up decent passing numbers the last three games. The only minus is the offense has issues getting into the endzone. Teel also hasn't thrown an interception the last three weeks.

Their running game is still a work in progress and Kenny Britt is starting to put up decent numbers receiving. How lucky Pitt will be to face them as this offense is improving.

On defense, they haven't allowed a lot points not counting the UNC debacle.

Key Matchups

Pitt defensive line vs. Rutgers offensive line: The reason why Mike Teel hasn't thrown an interception the last three games? He hasn't been sacked in any of those three games. When not being pressured, he's been able to move the ball. Rutgers is big up front, but Pitt will need to get to Teel and shut him down.

Pitt has also allowed a good bit of rushing yards. Ray Rice isn't there so they'll need to shut down Kordell Young and keep this offense off the field.

Last year, Teel did not have a good game against Pitt. Thanks to the one of many bad calls against Oderick Turner, Rutgers escaped with a win.

Pitt offensive line vs. Rutgers defensive line: Last year, Pitt didn't run the ball on the ground well. It may have been due to their issues at quarterback. Rutgers will most likely send the house on Bill Stull. It will be up to him not to make any mistakes. He made a huge one last game against Navy, but was able to recover. This defense is better than Navy's.

Pitt's line will need to establish the line of scrimmage. If Pitt can run the ball effectively, everything should take care of itself.

Other things to watch for:

Rutger's Receivers: Kenny Britt has been putting up decent numbers as of late. Pitt's secondary needs to shut him down.

Austin Ransom and Greg Williams: Pitt will need good performaces from both of these linebackers. Scott Mckillop can't do it alone.

LeSean McCoy: Can he continue on his hot streak?

Rutgers Linebackers: This group played in limiting Donald Brown's yardage. Can they do the same this weekend?

Overall: In 2006, Pitt was 6-1 with high hopes against Rutgers. Rutgers had one of their best seasons in a long time. Pitt was down 13-10 until Ray Rice torched them for big run pretty much ending Pitt's season. This time around is different. Rutgers has nothing to lose while Pitt has plenty to lose if they blow this game.

Big East Stock Market

2008-10-21T22:22:00.002-04:00

Let's take a look at this week's stock market to see what are good stocks to buy/sell...or ones to stay away from.........

1. Pittsburgh

Their stock is getting higher and higher every week. They're 5-1 after sinking the Midshipmen and they are heading home to play Rutgers this Saturday. We all remember 2006 pretty well. Pitt was 6-1 and hosting Rutgers. After cutting the lead to 13-10, Ray Rice was "still running". Ray Rice is gone and so is the rest of that 2006 team.

The only worry is that Rutgers will most likely will stack the line where Pitt may rely on Bill Stull to move the ball. Stull has played well enough the last two games to avoid any abuse from this blog so we'll leave him alone.

Advice: If you have stock, keep it. It may keep going up if Pitt wins. If you're fearful of a 2006 repeat, sell it.

2. South Florida

South Florida is coming off a crushing win against Syracuse and they head to Louisville this Saturday. Their stock took a big hit against Pitt, but was a benefactor of a recent bailout against Syracuse. Stockholders can now feel good about themselves driving their expensive cars and filling up with the highest grade of gas.

Advice: Buy it. If you already have it, keep it.

3. West Virginia

The Hoopies play the Auburn Tigers this week. Both of these teams have one thing in common: They get no respect. The only difference is the Auburn fanbase has a lot more self-respect. Paul Rhodes is their defensive coordinator so we could see some more boos from the Mountaineer fans if they can't move the ball. Not to mention, Pat White is pretty fragile as of late.

Advice: Sell

4. Connecticut

Last week was every UConn stockholder's nightmare. A loss to Rutgers caused their stock to plummet big time. Their kicker got the Pat Mcafee syndrome and went on this miss three field goals. They're at home against Cincinnati who is still awaiting word on Ben Mauk's eligibility.

Advice: Their price has gone down. You can buy it for a bargain. If they win this Saturday, good for you. If not, trade it in for a value meal at Wendy's.

5. Cincinnati

They come off a win against Rutgers and head to Connecticut. They have their issues at quarterback. They head to Storrs where they'll hear a loud fanbase and "Welcome to the Jungle" blasting while they are in the huddle or about to snap the ball. They currently have more wins than the Bengals.

Advice: Sell it.

6. Louisville

They had another shootout with Middle Tennessee State and they get to host South Florida. Louisville's defense has more holes than Bonny and Clyde after a police chase. Their offense improves each week, but it could be the defense that holds them back.

Advice: Sell

7. Rutgers

If you were crazy enough to hold on to their stock, then you must have forgotten to take your meds. They play Pitt this Saturday and have won their last three meetings against them. Things haven't been good for Rutgers this season. They're off to a bad start and their stadium expansion plans are being revised.

Advice: Sell. It may buy you some club seats if the stadium ever expands.

8. Syracuse

The have a bye week. That's only good thing we can say about them right now.

Advice: Liquidation Sale on "The Express" DVD's are coming to a video store near you.

SLAP 10!

2008-10-20T23:23:00.002-04:00

Another weekend of College Football has went by, and there weren't as many bitchups this time around. It was just the usual gang of slaps doing what they do best: Giving us all something to poke fun at or to complain about.

Before we start, we sadly announce the retirement of Clemson from the SLAP 10. Clemson bitched up so bad, Tommy Bowden offered his resignation. The only people that seem to be happy about it are the fans and their quarterback along with his daddy. I didn't know Anthony Morelli gained another year of eligibility.

So here's the honor roll for this week:

10. San Diego State

Look, we needed ten teams for this poll. After all, you had over 60 points racked on you. It's far cry from almost beating ND. Its a shame you didn't because they're still in the BCS hunt.

9. Washington State

We didn't know you guys still played football. Glad to see you're still around. It could be worse. Ty Willingham could be your coach.

8. UTEP

I think Tulsa just scored another touchdown on you. Is Mike Price still hanging out at the strip clubs? I know he's gotta be loving it in Texas.

7. Buffalo

I guess we could put all those Turner Gill coaching rumors away.

6. Cal

I think it's best you avoid the Top 25 polls for while. Every time you're ranked, you seem to do something to get yourself kicked out of the polls. Enjoy being second to USC, UCLA will be passing you by in a year or two.

5. Boston Red Sox

Yeah....you are our honorary non-football guest. Great season and great comeback. This fall hasn't been too kind for you. First, Tom Brady goes down. Now, you lose to the Devil Rays. I imagine Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are spooning in bed sobbing in tears. I can hardly wait for the Bill Simmons article where he compares this loss to some other Boston team choking with some pop culture references.

4. Michigan Teams in the FAT 10

Bad weekend for you guys. Let's recap:

-- Michigan State's battle with OSU lasted a little longer than Mike Tyson's opponents in the 80's. You guys were in it after the opening kickoff. I mean the Battle of San Jacinto lasted longer than this game. That battle lasted 18 minutes. After that, USA won the state of Texas. Just imagine if you'd made some plays. You could have had the Big Ten title....maybe. Somewhere, Mike Valenti had to be crying in the stands.

-- As for Michigan, DickRod has a 17-7 lead and basically drops eight back to let Penn State run the ball down the field to make it 17-14 lead into halftime. To make things better, you change quarterbacks. You must be begging for a buyout. I enjoy seeing you make that classic "DickRod Face" after every bitchup.

3. BYU

One Utah team down, another one left to go.......

2. UConn

Sounds like your kicker is suffering from the Mcafee Syndrome. Three missed field goals? Thanks for giving Rutgers a lot of confidence as they head to Heinz Field this Saturday.

1. SEC Officials

This South Carolina-LSU game reminded me of that part from the movie "Mr Mom". Michael Keaton has to attend a party for his wife's work that happens to be at her boss' mansion. They have a little obstacle race. During the race, the other contestants are tackling Michael Keaton so he won't win.

This is almost similar to that. There's a reason we shouldn't complain that the SEC doesn't play up North. This is one of them. Next thing you know, they'll have snipers in the stands.

Panther Rants presents The Truth....Rutgers

2008-10-20T12:59:00.002-04:00

A Half-Assed Preview: Pitt vs. Navy

2008-10-14T21:42:00.002-04:00

Last season, we saw the Panthers lose an absolute heartbreaker to Navy in overtime. It was a bad game on the defensive front. Navy tore the Pitt defense for over 300 yards in that game. It reminiscent in that scene from "Animal House" where Kevin Bacon is bent over being paddle saying "Thank You Sir! May I have another?!?". You know just writing that last sentence, I just got a horrible visual.

The game itself was a horrible visual on the defensive front. Navy moved the ball at will while the Pitt defense just sat back and took it. On offense, Pitt put up 45 points....and lost. So how will it look on Saturday.

Pitt

Pitt comes off a bye week again. They haven't fared too well on bye weeks under the Wanny regime. They're 4-1 coming off a big win against tenth ranked South Florida.

Pitt's offense is powered by their running game. The running game has started to take hold in recent weeks and the offensive line is showing some promise. LeSean McCoy had a big game against Navy last year, and could be up for a repeat performace. Pat Bostick didn't have a bad game, but Bill Stull is now the quarterback.

Pitt's offense needs to repeat what they did last year: Score and score at will.

On defense, Pitt did a remarkable job of bitch-slapping Matt Grothe. This week, they'll face the dreaded triple option. This play did them in last year. This time around, the staff knows they'll need penetrate the Navy Offense and sink their battleship.

Navy

Navy is 4-2 with losses to Duke and Ball State. Their key win is the win over Wake Forest.

On offense, Navy is averaging over 300 yards rushing per game. They're led by a quarterback whom I will not spell out his name. They have a brusing running back in Erick Kettani.

On defense, they give up a lot of yards rushing and passing. One thing you can't do is make mistakes. If you do, their offense is back on the field making you pay for them.

Key Matchups

Navy Offense vs. Pitt Defense: Navy's offense had Pitt's number last time they met. Navy is small on the offensive line. Don't let that fool you. The type of offense they run, the linemen have to be smaller and mobile. This means you'll see the Pitt Dline move around a good bit. Expect to see Pitt use their depth on this line to keep their linemen fresh.

Navy can also sneak a pass or two so Pitt's secondary will have to stay alert and on top of their game.

Pitt's defense will have to torpedo their way through the Navy offense and keep the gains and possessions very minimal.

Pitt Passing Game vs. Navy Secondary: Navy made a fool of Riley Skinner when they played Wake Forest picking him off four times. Pitt can't afford to do the same thing. Stull is coming off his better games of the season. He needs to find his open receivers and not to force anything that could be costly. In other words, get screw up or we'll be on your ass in this blog next week.

Overall: On offense, Pitt needs to establish the run like they did last year. They need to keep scoring and not let the defense be so submissive like some skank in a bukakke film. In other words, don't let the Navy offense piss all over you. Let them dump their waste into the ocean instead. Bill Stull just needs to protect the ball and not make mistakes.

The coaching staff also can't afford punts from the 35. They've gotten better at that lately. Let's hope the program has learned a lot from last year's game.

Prediction: I'm not good at these. I'll predict Pitt 34 Navy 28.

The Big East Stock Market

2008-10-14T01:56:00.002-04:00

Wall Street is having it's problems, but it did well as of Monday. So what if the Big East went on the market? What teams would be good to invest in? What teams to stay away from? Well let's take a look.....in no particular order......

1. Pittsburgh

Pros: Their stock plummeted after the loss to Bowling Green, but has made some significant gains since then. Their stock then rose significantly after the USF win, and could see more gains in the next two weeks. On the field, they're making progress every week. With the Big East on the down swing this year, a trip to Toronto is looking good.

Cons: They face Navy this Saturday and Rutgers the next week. Pitt has lost their last three to Rutgers and lost a heartbreaker to Navy in overtime last season. Navy is still Navy as always and Pitt will need to avoid losing to them this Saturday and take advantage of a Mike Teel led Rutgers team.

Advice: Pitt right now is a risky buy. They could go up or down in the next two weeks. If they go up, Pitt maybe 6-1 heading into South Bend.

2. South Florida

Pros: Their stock was high from start of the season...in our eyes. It took a loss in the game against Pitt, but should recover this week as they play Syracuse.

Cons: None here, they play Syracuse

Advice: Buy it for now.

3. UConn

Pros: They're off to great start. The Big East crowns looks like it's theirs to lose. Good running game and well coached.

Cons: They have some issues at quarterback for right now. Their stock took a loss after the UNC game.

Advice: They got Rutgers this week. Buy it now.

4. West Virginia

Pros: The Mountaineers usually do well in Big East play. Their stock didn't rise much after the Syracuse win, but should see gains in the as conference play is into effect.

Cons: They took a major hit with losses to ECU and Colorado. They have Auburn in two weeks and we'll see which head coach can out-dumb each other the most. Pat White has had some difficulty staying healthy and Pat Mcafee can't kick a short field goal.

Advice: Stay away.

5. Louisville

Pros: They look better than last year.

Cons: Their stock has been up and down all season. One week, it's the offense. Other week, it's the defense.

Advice: They have Middle Tennessee State this week. They gave the Cards a game last year. This may be a risky one to buy. Hell..buy it.

6. Cincinnati

Pros: They play good defense and they somehow manage to win games.

Cons: Fourth String Quarterback.

Advice: They're on a bye week before playing UConn. Sell it now.

7. Syracuse

Pros: None here.

Cons: Too many to mention.

Advice: Don't buy. If you have any to sell, why did you buy any in first place?

8. Rutgers:

Pros: Greg Schiano is their coach and they beat Morgan State

Cons: Mike Teel

Advice: They have UConn this week. Don't Buy. If you have any, I hope you sold it before the season started.

SLAP 10!

2008-10-13T02:23:00.002-04:00

This past week in college football, we had a wealth of slaps emerge. Let's see who made the honor roll.....

10. Auburn

So who are guys going to fire next? That win streak against Bama is in danger.

9. Rutgers

Cincinnati owns you...plain and simple. They're down to their fifth string quarterback and they still beat you. Enjoy Big East Conference play....no Morgan States on the schedule.

8. Clemson

I think this needs no further explanation. At least you're in the Top Ten in something.....

7. Georgia Tech

Great win over Gardner-Webb. Gardner-Webb sounds like it's a lawfirm instead of a University. As usual, ESPN will keep saying what a great conference the ACC is. 10-7 win....hmmmm.

6. Vanderbilt

You guys may have given Sylvester Croom some job security.

5. Missouri

Bad weekend for Big 12 teams ranked in the Top 5. In the words of Mike Gundy:

Chance at a BCS game or Title Game: "THAT AIN'T TRUE!"
Chance at Big 12 Championship: "THAT AIN'T TRUE!"

Why you're so hyped: "BECAUSE IT'S GARBAGE!"

4. Oklahoma

The punter faking that dive and then the injury turned out to be bad karma for you guys. Texas rolled on you and the rest was history. You guys got beat by a QB named "Colt". I mean this kid is something out of a "Raising Arizona" movie.

3. Big East Officials

Great job doing the North Carolina-Notre Dame game. Now us Pitt fans know what to expect when we come to South Bend. Don't worry, we don't forget the WVU game last year. We're used to being screwed over by you guys. I swear the referee was on the verge of tears when he had to announce that it was a fumble and the ball belonged to UNC. Again, you tried hard to screw the other team. It didn't work. Try something else.

2. Ricky Jean-Francois

So you make this comment about hitting Tim Tebow like a car wreck without a seatbelt. You know they have airbags in cars these days. I guess that's why Tebow dominated your pals while you sat at home with a sore vagina. Way to back up the smack talk.

1. Michigan

It just keeps getting more funnier for Rich Rodriguez. First loss to a MAC team. It couldn't have happened to a better coach and a program. The Nittany Lions are waiting for you at State College. If you think losing to Toledo was bad, you're about to be crushed this next game. As for WVU, they're not doing any better.

BEST DAMN WLAT SHOW....PERIOD.....

2008-10-10T00:18:00.005-04:00

Kevan Barlow: Welcome to the "Best Damn WLAT Show". Coach Harris is out this week so I'll be filling his spot because Paul Rhodes hasn't been fired yet. Rod Rutherford is here with me doing the co-hosting.

Rod Rutherford: Thanks for having me back, Kevan. I was surprised to be invited back after our debacle at Filthy McNasty's which I take responsibility for.

Kevan: What the hell do you mean? Wait a minute...you didn't run into any old classmates down there again? I don't remember much from that weekend. Where's Tyler at?

Rod: Walt benched him for this week's show. For the record, I didn't run into any old classmates.

Kevan: Whoa..whoa....Tyler got benched?

Rod: Yep.

Kevan: For what?

Rod: Well he joined us as the bar to watch the game and started making fun of Bill Stull. Then Bill made some big plays and Pitt won the game. During the game, you fed him Jager Bombs. He was so amped after the game, you started ribbing him about Stull beating a better opponent than Tyler ever did.

Kevan: Ok...so...what happened....he get into a fight?

Rod: Worse.....He left the bar and came back dressed in his 2004 Pitt Uniform..helmet and all. He ran around the bar stiff-arming people, throwing darts like he was re-enacting a past football game, and he DDT'd a frat boy.

Kevan: Wow....wait a minute......I just received a text message from Walt. It reads:

Kevan,

I heard a rumor that you might have a certain guest on the show that I may not approve of. If you do this, you will be hanging out with Tyler in the dog house. Bertie Higgins is about to take the stage. I will see you when I get back.

Rod: Well, there goes that idea. We have no guest for the show. I can call up Rasheed Marshall. I know he ain't doing a damn thing.

Kevan: Sheed's a hoopie. That ain't gonna work here. Rosie Bynes just emailed me the other day about coming on the show.....He's learned to walk again since that nasty punt return he took at Miami in 2002.

Rod: That wasn't a punt return......

Kevan: Oh yea...then again...Shelly Anderson expressed inter.....

Rod: Oh hell no! You realize I had a restraining order against her?!? The chick was on my sack big time. I used to receive love letters....and other...types of photos.

Kevan: Photos...like...dirty ones?

Rod: Yeah, that's why I took so many timeouts. I couldn't get those images out of my head in 2003 when taking the snap.

Kevan: Yeah...I'll come out of the closet..and admit...I was one of her favorites too. It ruined my career.

Rod: It made you fumble?

Kevan: Yeah......Those images would pop in my head...and I would just drop the football.

Rod: She liked Walt too. I'm surprised Walt was never affected by her.

Kevan: It's Coach Harris we're talking about. He had some pretty low standards. I mean he picks up ladies at Denny's for Wlat's sake!

Rod: So what about our guest?

Kevan: Well since we can't have him on the show....I have our guest on speaker phone. Ladies and Gentlemen, it's Pat Hoderny.

Hoderny: Hey guys, long time no see! I love the show. I watch it when I get a chance.

Rod: Oh man, Walt's gonna kill both of us when he gets back.

Kevan: Calm down, Pat is not our guest. I just dialed his number by accident.

Rod: Good to have you on the show, Pat. How about this fall weather?

Pat: Oh it's a drag man. It's gonna be winter real soon, but it's football season and Pitt's 4-1.

Kevan: I guess we can say you love Summer the best of all seasons?

Pat: Summer? Oh I f***in love Summer! Man she was......

Rod: Yeah and I think we just ran out of time. It was nice having you, Pat. Hey Kevan, hang up the phone man.

Kevan: Sorry, I just couldn't resist asking that question.

Rod: Let's just hope Walt doesn't find out....

( To be continued......)

Ranteria!

2008-10-09T00:34:00.002-04:00

Cassin Diggs gets Belated Honor

Cassin Diggs was recently honored by the Pitt Basketball program by being the recipient of the John DeGroat Award. This honor is awarded every year for the team's most rarely used JUCO player. Diggs played only one season at Pitt where he appeared
in nine games and averaged 1.8 points before being told to move on. To be fair, Diggs was also injured for who knows how long.

The award was started in 2006 after DeGroat graduated in 2006. Degroat didn't see much time in his days as a Panther, but has prospered in the American Basketball Association playing for the Pittsburgh Xplosion. Last season, DeGroat averaged 18.2 points per game for the Pittsburgh franchise.

Recipients of the John DeGroat Award

2006 - John DeGroat
2007 - Doyle Hudson
2008 - Cassin Diggs

This year's player on the John Degroat watch: Jermaine Dixon

The Pick-Six Watch

The Panthers are five games into their season and still without a pick-six. They couldn't even manage one against Syracuse. Most odds-makers are waiting for the Rutgers game. Here's how the current contestants stand:

Aaron Berry - Berry has yet to register an interception this season. Navy likes to run the ball which means the odds are pretty stacked against him and his teammates.

Odds: 50-1

Jovanni Chappel - Jovanni is also without an interception. He didn't have a good game against Syracuse.

Odds: 100-1

Dom Decicco/Elijah Fields - Dom got on the board with an interception against South Florida last Thursday. Will he be able to take it to the house? He's splitting time with Elijah Fields who does have the ability to take it to the house. He's due sooner or later.

Odds: 150-1

Eric Thatcher - Even Eric is listed as to having an interception. He has no yards on the return. I'm not sure if he's capable of scoring a touchdown off one.

Odds: 200-1.

Pitt Students Hospitalized

There has been reports of Pitt students being hospitalized for alcohol poisoning over the last couple weeks of football season. The University has been investigating and they believe it is a result of the Bill Hilgrove Drinking Game. The students listen to Hilgrove and drink alcohol after something Bill does on the radio. Panther Rants found a sample of the drinking game and here are some of the rules:

1. When Bill gets the yardage wrong and has to keep correcting himself - 1 drink
2. When Bill screams "LOOSE FOOTBALL!" - 1 drink
3. If Bill says the "THE PANTHERS HAVE IT!" - 2 more drinks
4. When Bill gets the player's name wrong - 2 drinks
5. When Bill gets the quarter and time left wrong - 3 drinks

The problem with this game is Bill does these things a lot. Most students can't make it to the halftime before they are puking their guts out from cans of Natural Ice and Cheap "O" Pizza.

Specter Investigates Wisky-OSU Outcome

2008-10-07T19:37:00.002-04:00

It seems Arlen Specter can't stay out of the sports headlines. After all, he's a politician and not a jock. Arlen had been active in fighting the war on Spygate. Spygate as we all know, was when the Patriots were filming practices of their opponents and their locker room showers as well. Now the Pennsylvania Senator is sending his troops into the game of College Football.

Specter is investigating two games in which the Wisconsin Badgers folded in the second half against Michigan and their meltdown against Ohio State in the final minutes. Specter feels these games were fixed just so Ohio State could remain in the BCS title hunt and to prevent the Michigan-OSU game from being broadcasted on the CW network. Earlier today, the Senator released this statement:

"We are in the process of investigating the possible fixing of college football games. The United States government has been active in the investigation steroids in baseball, and NFL teams spying on each other. Although there are bigger worries like the economy, oil prices, and election; We feel those are non-issues and we have nothing else better to do at this time. We're curious to know how one team can blow a nineteen point lead one week and then let a true freshman pick your defense apart in the final minutes."

This investigation also is a result of a rumor Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delaney called the Wisconsin coaches box showing his displeasure after P.J. Hill scored to give the Badger the lead late in the game. Here is the text of the conversation:

Delaney: What the hell was that?

Wisconsin Defensive Coordinator, Dave Doeren: Uhhh....we scored a touchdown?

Delaney: You guys weren't supposed to score!

Doeren: Well he tried to fall down at the one yard line, he just fell a little to forward.

Delaney: We had this conversation last week. You're supposed to lose! The Michigan-Ohio State game is not too far away! We need Michigan to win so ESPN can over-advertise the hell out of it! Ohio State was supposed to be in the BCS title game this year!

Doeren: Penn State is still undefeated. They're looking good. Why not give them a chance?

Delaney: WHAT?!?! PENN STATE?!? ARE YOU KIDDING?!?!? This is about Michigan-Ohio State. Not them!

Doeren: They may beat Michigan and Ohio State.

Delaney: Oh no.....I got bigger plans for Penn State in those games. I will make sure they're handled.

Doeren: What can we do? Pryor hasn't done much against us tonight.

Delaney: Look, just play your defense back and let Pryor move the ball. If your defense looks lost, don't you dare let them call a timeout! You hear me?!?

Doeren: Yes sir.

Big Ten Officials have declined comment on the investigation.

SLAP 10!

2008-10-06T00:20:00.002-04:00

Panther Rants takes a look at this past weekend to see who made the list of slaps. Below are the recipients on the honor roll.

10. Andrew Johnson

Oh...we remember the day you wore the pink suit and pledged to Pitt. Then you decided to head to Miami some few months later. You talked about bringing some recruits to Pitt. Instead, you went with them. Then you analyzed game film for the Duke-Miami game every season...which would be the only way you'd see playing time. Now you're a backup at Akron. Still no regrets? C'mon.....

9. Noel Devine

Yeah, we remembered the high school films. Too bad you're still not in high school.....

8. Chase Daniel

So, you beat Nebraska. You didn't just beat them, you routed. Instead of celebrating, you decide to act like a whiny little bitch. Okay you got spit on and picked on by the Nebraska players. Dude, it's football not a tea party.

7. Rutgers

Keep Choppin' wood. You may just beat a Division 1A opponent.

6. Kentucky

Games like this past Saturday are a reminder as to why you're 2-34 all time versus 'Bama. At least we don't have to hear all the BCS talk like we did last year.

5. Wisconsin

Another game, another blown lead. So what was the strategy? Sit back and let a true freshman QB pick you apart? Because of you, OSU will be back in the BCS title picture again.

4. South Florida

Same blown Top Ten ranking, same blown opportunity. At least we couldn't be entertained by the story of Moffitt and his ugly wife again. Instead, we got entertained by your defense being smoked by Bill Stull, LeSean McCoy, and friends.

3. Iowa

I guess Ferentz decided to take Wanny's approach and be aggressive. You guys went for it on fourth-and-one only to turned down. Not to mention, you were in field goal range and a chance to take it to OT.

2. Oregon State

After a big win against USC, you make the list by blowing an eight point lead with under two minutes left. The Utah lovefest just keeps getting better. We could sit "Pitt-Utah: Part Two" in January.

1. Iowa State

You are number one on the list for this past weekend. You blew a twenty point lead. Good Job.

Best Damn WLAT Show...Period.....

2008-10-02T02:35:00.002-04:00

Walt: Well we're back after a week hiatus. Not to mention we're in Tampa! There was a lot of issues since the last show. Because of that, we decided to make some lineup changes.

Kevan Barlow: Tyre Young has no affiliation with this show for a while. With that web site scandal and his behavior on last show, we decided to go in a different direction for a while. Tyler Palko has been benched from the show. Probably the first time he's been benched since.....

Rod Rutherford: Since, I beat his ass out for the starting job during the Texas A&M game. Wait a minute, he's here! Did he sneak on the tour bus?

Walt: Well I told Tyler, we didn't need him. He didn't have much else to do so I decided to let him travel with us. It's kind of similar to when you couldn't beat out Brian St. Pierre for the third string job. The Steelers felt bad, so they let you come to the Super Bowl.

Tyler: Don't throw stones in glass houses, Rod..or in your case....objects at women's car windows.

Rod: Well there's a lot to that story than that.

Tyler: Sure, Larry Fitzgerald wasn't there to make the catch. Unlike you, I was never in danger in losing my job. Hell I made Luke Getsy and Joe Flacco transfer.

Rod: Yeah, but Joe Flacco has something that you don't.

Tyler: What's that?

Rod: A seven figure salary.....

Tyler: F*** You.......

Kevan: Now guys, settle down.

Tyler: I'm not going to take this crap from a city league quarterback. My stay in the pros lasted the same as yours. How's the Erie River Rats?

Rod: They're looking for a quarterback since I decided not to play. I hear they would have called you, but they called Matt Flaus instead.

Walt: Ouch...come on guys. Tyler is it true you had a tryout with Cal U? Are you going to coach like Rod does?

Tyler: Well I've petitioned for another year of eligibility. I mean If Joe Slappy can play college football for 7 years, why can't I?

Rod: Joe Slappy still plays? Didn't you go to high school with him?

Tyler: Yes. Hell they're thinking of letting Marcel Pestano play another year.

Walt: How did your tryout go, Tyler?

Tyler: It didn't last long. Tyre Young showed up to try out as well and threatened to shoot me.

Walt: Well I was hoping to see more of my players from Pitt play. I mean, I did see Joe Flacco play at Heinz.

Kevan: Antonio Bryant plays here in Tampa. Why not go see him play?

Walt: I want no part of that. Putting up with him for three years was enough. He still wants an apology for R.J. English. Where did Rod go?

Rod: Sorry about that, was taking a timeout.

Walt: You took a lot of those in 2003.

Rod: Thanks to you. Julius Jones just ran by, he's wondering when you'll stop him.

Walt: Well if St. Vincent's doesn't work out, I imagine there's Cal U.

Kevan: Speaking of that, I gotta go.

Walt: Where the hell are you going? The show isn't over!

Kevan: I'm heading to Cal U to see if they need a running back.

Rod: Me too, they'll take anyone except for Tyler.

Tyler: I'll just take Kevan's job as co-host.

Walt: No you won't. Besides, Kevan's done a good job here. Speaking of that, I thought Rod and Kevan were heading back to Cal U. Are they heading into a bar.

Tyler: Yeah, they saw a Filthy McNasty's and just couldn't resist.

Walt: Well that's it for the Best Damn WLAT Show. Sometimes in your college career, the show is never over to you. When it finally is, you'll end up here talking to me. Hey there's a Denny's down the street. Time for a Grand Slam! The show is never over there. It's open 24 hours!

Half Assed Pitt-USF Preview

2008-10-01T01:51:00.002-04:00

Pitt will head to Tampa to face the South Florida Bulls on Thursday night. Panther Rants gives you a half assed preview of what to look out for when you turn on the television. You made some Jim Beam or some Valium. Hell, you might need both.

Pitt

Pitt is coming off a big win over a traditional Big East power in Syracuse. The Panthers fell early, but got back up and ran their way to victory. Pitt is 3-1 on the year. Their key win is against Iowa.

They have lost their last two games against South Florida and you can thank Matt Grothe for that. Grothe has had the Pitt defense's number the last two games. South Florida's defense has had their way with us in terms of everything ranging from sacks to turnovers.

Pitt's offense will be led by LeSean McCoy and Larod Stephens. Both backs had big games against Syracuse and are hoping to fill the void in case their offense "Stulls". Derek Kinder has re-emerged from the wideout spot. Pitt's offensive line has some issues as usual.

Pitt's defense had an off game at Syracuse. The secondary didn't have a great game and will need to step up if the front seven can't catch Grothe.

South Florida

They're 5-0 and in the Top Ten. They had some scares against UCF and Florida International. Both of those schools are in state rivals. They had big wins against Kansas and NC State.

Matt Grothe has been a one man gang. He has a passer efficiency of 150.2 and he leads the team in rushing yards. Their backfield has a group that pitches in. Moise Plancher, Jamar Taylor, and Mike Ford have combined for eleven rushing touchdowns. At receiver, Jessie Hester is their lead man. They have several other receivers who are averaging over 10 yards per catch.

On defense, there's not much to say. They force turnovers, pressure the quarterback, etc. They're also hard to run the ball against.

Key Matchups
Pitt's Backfield vs. USF's front seven - This will be an entirely different matchup than what LeSean Mcoy/Larod Stephens faced at Syracuse. USF's defense has yet to allow their opponents to rush over 100 yards. They have only allowed three rushing touchdowns this year as well. McCoy didn't have a good rushing game against USF last. Pitt will need to establish the run or they'll have to rely on Bill Stull. Yeah...we're screwed......

Pitt Passing Game vs. USF Secondary - USF's secondary is full of ball grabbers. No, we're not talking about Richard Simmons. We're talking about their ability to intercept passes. They've intercepted 29 passes in the last 18 games. Pitt had three passes picked off last year and two got returned for touchdowns. In other words, they do things that our defense can't. This may not be a good idea for Bill Stull to force anything.

Pitt will need it's wide receivers to step up as well. Maybe now it's time to get the ball to Dorin Dickerson some more. Derek Kinder may need to really to bring it. In other words, they'll need to do something on offense or it will be a long game.

Pitt Defense vs. USF Offense - USF is big on the offensive line. Pitt's defense will need to attack Grothe in any way possible. They will need to create havoc and stay in his face. If Grothe can't pass, he'll run. Which means the linebackers will need to tackle well. Shane Murray is back, which helps, but is he ready? I don't think I can stomach another game with Austin Ransom at linebacker. Greg Williams will need to step up and Scott Mckillop needs a big game.

Overall: Pitt has a very tall order this Thursday. On paper, they're overmatched on both sides of the ball. The offensive line will need to open some holes for the running game and not the opposing team. They'll need to give Stull time or it may lead to very bad decisions.

SLAP 10!

2008-09-29T00:48:00.002-04:00

10. Virginia

I know Coach K usually has good Duke teams. They're usually pretty hard to beat with all those good recruits he gets. You know those Bobby Hurley types that like to throw up bricks. Wait a minute...you got hammered by Duke in football?

9. Central Florida

About that potential Big East invite: Don't call us, we'll call you.

8. East Carolina

No more potential BCS bowl game. Now you're wondering if you'll make it to the CUSA title game. I imagine you'll face West Virginia in the WhoGivesARatsAss.com bowl.

7. Tennessee

It's pretty bad when Paul Rhoads has your number for one Saturday. You should've spent more time analyzing the LSU-Auburn game. Hell, ask Pitt for their video collection.

6. Clemson

I think you should tell pre-season magazines to no longer consider you for the ACC title or anything else that may be good publicity. It seems to backfire on you every season.

5. Georgia

Every year and lots of hype. Pre-season hype that is. Things are looking good, and then you find yourselves down 30 points at halftime. It doesn't get any more fun playing in the SEC.

4. Florida

I should have you guys rated higher, but this was one was difficult. I mean it's not like you lost to LSU or Bama. This was to Ole Miss....at home. You'll finish with a good record so Tim Tebow can pick up another heisman.

3. USC

For some reason, Oregon State has your number. Maybe it's because your Parade All-Americans got ran over by a midget. Maybe it's because Matt Sanchez looked like a statue in the pocket. Maybe it was that sea of Orange that you thought this was Syracuse. Maybe your PAC 10 conference isn't as easy as you thought.

2. Wisconsin

I think you just made Penn State fans worry about their losing streak to Michigan. Up 19-0 against a bad Michigan team, you lose 27-25. This week, we'll now have to see commercials about the upcoming Michigan-Ohio State game.

1. Wake Forest

There two types of BCS teams that lose to Navy. They're called Pitt and Rutgers. Try to keep it this way. You know Navy gave up lots of points to Duke and Ball State previously. Just sayin....

Pitt-Syracuse Notes

2008-09-29T00:26:00.005-04:00

Panther Wide Receivers Invest in Insurance Policy

PantherRants has learned that Pitt's wide receivers have taken out insurance polices to protect themselves in case of injury. This was done as a precautionary measure in case they get crippled while trying to catch one of Bill Stull's passes. Because of the lack of a deep ball, some of them have found themselves in bad situations especially when trying to catch a pass over the middle. The terms of the policy have not been released.

Cavanaugh Hired as a Temp

Panthers' Offense Coordinator Matt Cavanaugh was calling plays for both teams on Saturday. He was hired as a temp to handle play calls for the Syracuse offense along with his duties at Pitt. This marks the first time a coach was working for both teams. Cavanaugh was able call an effective game on both sideline as Syracuse had the lead at one point. Up 14-3 with a fourth down and 1 at the Panthers' forty yard line, Cavanaugh elected to punt to see if he could make the game interesting. He did as the Panthers' rallied to win the game.

Austin Ransom Promoted to MLB

After his display of senior leadership, Austin Ranson will take Scott Mckillop's place at middle linebacker. Scott will be a reserve while Shane Murray takes over Ransom's old position. Dave Wannstedt has said that "Austin has made an impact on the defense and his hair makes him look like that thing off "The Predator". Opposing offenses: GET TO THE CHOPPER!"

Butt Rock Friday - Syracuse Edition

2008-09-26T01:19:00.001-04:00

Don't know if you've noticed but Syracuse sucks. And so we really felt the need to find the shittiest of shitty songs for this week's Butt Rock Friday. A song that crosses from Butt Rock into just straight up ass, which is what Syracuse football is, has been and will be.

So here's Dio with what Syracuse's been since Paul Pasqualoni left town, "Last in Line."

Meeting of the Biquarterion

2008-09-25T20:02:00.017-04:00

The Biquarterion is a group of once powerful Big East mascots. They meet in Jake Crouthamel's old clubhouse. They control absolutely nothing and don't plan on it in the future.

Hello Everyone, glad to see everyone has made it to our first meeting. This is good because we have plenty to accomplish for this upcoming season

What exactly do we have to accomplish?

Well one thing Red Storm is to why you guys even still bother to field a basketball team in our conference. I mean look at you, you're just a logo. You don't have a presence of any type of being or thing!

Our course we do, we're the Red Storm. We were featured in "Coming to America". Many great players like Kenyon Martin and Ron Artest have come from our program.

Sure you are.....and do.....

What the hell is a Red Storm?

I can tell you what a Red Storm is. They were serving them at $1.25 at the Golic's house. I'm looking forward to playing your team, Roc. The Panthers are looking good so far.

Hey drunken Mick, I'm Wildcat. Roc hangs with the other group.

Oh yeah....wait where the hell am I? What are we doing again? Who is this cookie monster lookalike over here? Am I in a episode of Sesame Street?

Oh Pleasth....Thsilly! I'm Blue Demon! Your "in the conference" brother!

My "in the closet" brother?

Ok Guys, enough bickering. We came to discuss what we need to accomplish. The Octonion has gained total power the last decade. Letting go Miami, Boston College, and Virginia Tech didn't help. The Octonion also has basketball teams better than us. So how will you help me accomplish going power again?

Haaaarrrrrrrrr maties!!!! We plan to sail out to other kingdoms to defeat thee and take the precious treasue of Madison Square! Then we'll sail to take the greatest treasure of them all!!!!

NIT Championship?

Most likey thee it will be.

I tawt I taw a putty tat!

Jesus, I have to talk to Otto about joining the football conference. I can't take this much longer. Golden Eagle, will your team be competitive since Dominic James retired?

Dominic tw'ied to gain a 10th year of eligibility due to his injuries from excessive
flopping. It was either him or Eric Devendorf. They wanted Eric instead. Otherwise, we should make the Big Dance and lose in the first round at best.

Hoya, you might be on to something. How does a football member get their player an extra year of eligibilty when one of ours can't?

You boysth a thso silly! Mike Cook didn't get an extra year and you don't see Roc here being paranoid.

I'M A WILDCAT DAMMIT! A FREAKING WILDCAT!!!

OOOOOH a freaker! I better watch out for you!

My sons, please stop fighting. We must play and pray together and the Kingdom of the East is ours!

Friar, go sit with Red Storm. We're not expecting much from you guys either.

I forgive you my son! A conference divided will fall if we don't act now!

What ta goofy ol' man talkin bout?

With King Tranghese gone, the football and basketball schools might split. Which means we might have to merge with the Atlantic 10 or the Patriot League. Who are you? Where's Golden Eagle?

Golden Eagle is dead. He flew into a powerline when he tried to stop Tom Cream from going to Indiana. This is his son.

So what are we going to do?

What we usually do.

What's that? I'm not worried. We'll go independent in basketball and schedule cupcake teams.

My team will make a run at the conference title and the final four, Nova will make the big dance where they'll have to play in North Carolina and get screwed over by ACC officials, Marquette may make the dance as will the Irish, Depaul and Seton Hall will do whatever, Providence may show some progress this year, and St. Johns will field a basketball team.

We have a team.

We bet you do......

Wannstedt Suspends Football Program for USF Game, Possibly Second Half of Syracuse Game

2008-09-24T20:20:00.002-04:00

Pittsburgh, PA --- Citing the deepening crisis in the financial markets, University of Pittsburgh Head Football Coach Dave Wannstedt has suspended the Pitt Football program for its upcoming game against South Florida. “My friends, now is the time for our league to come together as Big East Brothers to help solve this deepening financial crisis. And really, the only way to do that is to cancel the upcoming South Florida game. That, or call it a draw.” When advised of Coach Wannstedt’s unilateral suspension of the game, South Florida coach Jim Leavitt was puzzled, citing the fact that to date Wannstedt hadn’t show the slightest interest in economics, had little control over the situation, and that as a coach he should be able to handle more than one thing at a time. Wannstedt said that he hoped to be able to schedule the game at a later date, perhaps after Pitt has secured a bowl bid.

Coach Wannstedt added that depending on how the market goes, he may need to suspend the second half of this weekend's Pitt game against Syracuse as well. “We’ll be watching the ticker very closely for any fluctuations. Signs of an impending crash can be very subtle, so we may need to cancel the second half even if the market is booming.” When told that the stock market will not even be open on Saturday during the game, Wannstedt simply said that he would be taking no further questions.

Weekly Update With Foge

2008-09-24T08:21:00.005-04:00

White Oak (PR) Foge took time last week to do a little relaxing and play golf. We caught up with him at Luciano’s in White Oak.

PR: Why Luciano’s?

FF: They have excellent pizza and I have been in the mood for a good massage. Kyoto Spa is right down the road. I can kill two birds with one stone.

PR: Happy Ending?

FF: No Comment

PR: What are you taking back for Wanny?

FF: He wanted a Pizza with pepperoni and anchovies, but I will not allow any fish. That is well documented here about the fish. I substituted mushrooms, so he’ll get a pep and mush pizza.

PR: To the game, was it as big a win that everybody is making it out to be?

FF: Absolutely! I mean any win that Dave gets is a big win. He is not even at .500 yet. So yes, it is a big win. Plus, Iowa is from the most overrated conference in the country so Pitt will get some credit for this win nationally.

PR: Were you impressed with the offense?

FF: From what I heard Cavanaugh did not make it to the game until the second quarter. I heard that a certain ex-coach was calling our plays from his seat. When Matt arrived, he promptly took over but was slurring his play calls.

PR: Can you elaborate as to where Matt was for the first quarter?

FF: No, but I think Steve P sent him to the Kyoto spa.

PR: Did he leave early?

FF: From what I understand, there was a brief exit in the 4th quarter but he was back in time to call the plays at the 2:44 mark.

PR: What do you think of Cav’s bubble screen passes to the WR?

FF: If Cav ever calls another screen, flanker screen or bubble screen, he should be handcuffed and led from the stadium. That play has not worked all year or last year for that matter.

PR: Did you see where Dave was asked about Greg Cross and he responded we had about 6 plays for him but just didn’t have the right time to use him? What are your thoughts about that?

FF: I am not sure when the right time to use him would be then. I mean, the kid as quick feet, scored a spectacular TD on his first play but then sits for the rest of the game sans one awful play call at the end. I just have to keep asking coach about it. Maybe ¾ of the game he should be in there and Billy Stull should sit.

PR: What do you think about Bill Stull?

FF: His name fits him. Bill Stull, stall; get it.

PR: Yeah, we get it Foge.

FF: I mean he’s okay, but damn it, he’s as fidgety as Wyndell Williams in a prison shower. The minute he sees a defensive player, the ball is over thrown, under thrown or he just freezes to get smashed. I can’t believe that Pat Bostick could not beat him out. He had a rough game.

PR: What do you make of Shady’s fumblitis?

FF: Not sure. He just has to start holding onto the ball. Case closed.

PR: Scott Mckillop getting handled and missing more tackles?

FF: Scott was up and down and still needs to be more consistent. He did have another ole’ miss of a quarterback. He says all of the right things, however. Uses all of the right clichés. He’ll make an excellent coach or politician one day.

PR: What about Kirk Ferentz’s coaching?

FF: Wow! When you make 3 mill and coach the way he does, it’s amazing he is still employed. Any time Dave out coaches somebody it’s an eye opener. Kind of like the blind leading the blind but hey Dave was the best coach on the field yesterday. With the exception of a former ex-coach, who called the plays in the first quarter.

PR: Can we beat a horrible Syracuse team by at least 2 touchdowns?

FF: I think so, but if anyone can bitch this thing up Wanny and Cavvy can. In all honesty Fralic, Hillgrove, myself and eight slobs from the Original Hot Dog Shop can go up to Syracuse and win. They just beat Northeastern by 6 points last week. I would say that with Pitt’s players, they should win by 24 (37-13). With Wanny and Cavvy at the help, look for Pitt to win 26-17.

Well, thanks Foge for being able to sit down with us this week. We’ll see you next week and uh, hey where is that massage place?

Dave Wannstedt Press Conference

2008-09-23T01:28:00.002-04:00

Dave Wannstedt had his weekly press conference where he discusses the Iowa game and the upcoming Syracuse game. Panther Rants was there to bring you the highlights of his press conference.

On the Iowa Win:

"It was a good win for the program. I usually don't do well off bye weeks. Mainly because, I'm too busy driving my Pontiac Trans AM while listening to some Jerry Reed. The weather is good for this kind of driving and we're always on some good missions. One time, we drove all the way to Texas for these gigantic fish sandwiches. Cav is usually driving the big rig and he's always my lookout for speed traps.

We stuck to our usual game plan: to get a nice lead and hope the other team doesn't come back and beat us. I felt bad for the Iowa offensive line because they had play in Philadelphia the next day to prevent Ben Roethlisberger from being spiked to the ground."

On the upcoming Syracuse game:

"This should be a big test for our team because it is a conference road game. The game is in a hostile environment called the Orange Dome. They have a solid football team and a good coach in Greg Robinson. Syracuse is close to being on track to getting better. They just need to give Greg some more time. His team is coming off an emotional win against Northeastern. They lost to a MAC powerhouse in Akron which is never an easy game. "

Making Game Plans for Syracuse:

"We'll continue to get ahead early and see how much we can outsmart the Syracuse coaching staff. A bid to the International Bowl may be on the line for the both of us this game. They've had trouble scoring points and it comes down to execution. We want to be cautious in case they make great execution. Last time we playing in the dome, Larod Stephens was "still running". Their quarterbacks seemed to be an upgrade over Perry Patterson and Anthony Smith is already guaranteeing a win.

They came close to beating us last year so we'll need to keep to offensive game plan simple. We don't need turnovers. Turnovers were big in the Iowa game. I'm always preaching turnovers to you guys, but you don't seem to get it."

"I is Antnee....And I is have a website..."

2008-09-23T01:25:00.003-04:00

Thank you, Anthony Morelli.

Or should we say Anthony Michael Morelli.

During a week where Pitt actually won and we have very little to bitch and make fun of. During a week where we are gearing up to play a Syracuse team that's so bad that we can barely muster the enthusiasm to make fun of them (but we will anyways). During a week where we expect few people reading our site because Pitt fans rarely bitch on blogs after wins and Syracuse only has 16 fans left, Morelli comes through in the clutch.

Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you, Anthony Morelli dawt....org?

Yes, the former Penn State quarterback done started himself a website. And even though there is a disclaimer saying that the site is not afiliated with Morelli in any way, given some of the entries on the site we can only believe that he's the one performing writing and editing duties. First of all, what "fan" gives enough of a damn to start an Anthony Morelli site? Even he most diehard of Penn State twits wouldn't bother with this. And if they did it wouldn't be for Morelli.

Sccondly, take this gem from his home page:

Anthony Morelli on Penn State's third play from scrimmage in the 2006 season-opener against Akron, Anthony Morelli stepped back for his first pass as the Nittany Lions' starter and threw a picture-perfect 42-yard scoring strike to Deon Butler to begin a successful day and season for the record-breaking quarterback.

Holy jumpin' shitballs. Apparently Anthony Morelli, or whomever is doing the prose for Anthony Morelli, is a big fan of the full name of Anthony Morelli because Anthony Morelli is not once abbreviated to Anthony Morelli's last name anywhere in the paragraph on Anthony Morelli on the home page of Anthony Morelli dawt owrg. We are also told in the "video" section of the site that, "Some of Anthony Morelli Videos might take some time while loading. Please wait for Anthony Morelli videos to load."

Yeah, we'll get right on that.

Still, we have to wonder what the hell the impetus was behind starting this site. Certainly Morelli didn't think there'd be a big market for former Fat 10 Conference slightly above average quarterbacks, did he? There's no BillyDicken.org, or JeffSmoker.org, or ZachMills.org. And he might want update the sonofabitch, being that he's not currently on the Arizona Cardinals roster...or any other team's for that matter.

But at least he finally got one thing right: he says that he attended "Penn State University" on his bio. Well, better late than never I guess.

SLAP 10!

2008-09-22T01:25:00.003-04:00

After another exciting week of College Football, let's see who made the honor roll.......

10. Fresno State

The only reason why you're on this list is because I needed a 10 honorees. How in the hell do you go from beating Rutgers convincingly to needing overtime to beat Toledo? That's why you're a mid-major. The BCS teams don't take you serious enough and the non-BCS teams want to beat you.

9. Sylvester Croom

You came off a nice season last year. Now you're 1-3. Things aren't going to get any better as the SEC conference play is starting. You might want start updating that resume in case.

8. Iowa

Pitt felt so bad for you that they let you come back and take a three point lead. Your offensive line looked almost like the Steelers' offensive line. If this keeps up, I bet Big Ben will regret that contract extension. Hell his career might be shortened. As for Mr. Ferentz, I guess those Penn State rumors aren't really true......

7. Steve Spurrier

Nice win over Wofford....seriously.

6. Bill Stewart

So let me get this straight......Noel Devine is punishing the Colorado defense. You have a critical 3rd and 1 where it's pretty obvious you need the ball in the hands of Devine or Pat White. Instead, you pull Devine and let some other slap run for a short loss. You might be Foge Fazio re-incarnated. I think maybe the WVU administration should have pulled all the strings to keep Rich-Rod. I guess 13-9 was no fluke. No John Denver Bowl trophy for you......

5. Auburn

Nice defensive showing the second half. I guess Paul Rhoads' pogo stick was working good enough. Not enough air on those jumps. I guess that's why you lost. There's a reason you hate Alabama. They're everything you wish you would be.

4. Rutgers

It can't get any worse for you guys. At least you didn't lose to Navy in a shootout like Pitt did last year. So what biblical references will Greg Schiano use now? Rutgers season headed into armageddon? Better keep an eye on that recruiting class. It may get a little smaller as the season unfolds.

3. East Carolina

I guess there will be no mention of you guys playing for the national title. You guys came close last week, but then finally bit the bullet against a bad NC State team. Up 21-17 and a chance to kick field goal to go up a touchdown, you go for it. Not to mention you guys got stopped and gave NC State all the momentum. Enjoy the CUSA title game. Maybe we'll invite you to the Big East one day....

2. Mike Teel

Mike showed us the leadership and composure qualities of a quarterback. When things go wrong, just punch one of your teammates. I'm not sure why you'd do that. It's not their fault you suck. Greg Leonard and Ray Rice won't be there to bail you out this year. Have fun turning that corner. Just don't turn the ball over again.

1. Pat Mcafee

Look if you want to follow in the footsteps of Mike Vangerjagt as a choking kicker, you need to make it to the pros first. You can't choke in college unless one of your teammates did that to you after this game. Another easy field goal missed. Why do you do this to yourself? Do you like the abuse from the fans? Are you getting back at someone? You didn't get enough attention? You know you and Mike Vanderjagt went to the same college....West Virgina.

Pitt Wins Despite Unexpected Steeler Changes

2008-09-20T15:11:00.007-04:00

BLAWNOX (PR) - Pitt coach Dave Wannstedt was admittedly dumbfounded today following Pitt's 21-20 win over the Pittsburgh Steelers. "In all the years I watched Bubby Brister run the Steeler offense I never knew he was ambidextrous and could move out of the pocket," Wannstedt said from Primanti's in Harmarville. "We've watched every Steeler game film Steve Sabol down at NFL Films could send us from 1988-1991, and we swear Bubby was just your typical slow-ass, righty QB."

With Brister utilizing his new found ambidexterity, and running ability, the Steeler offense kept Pitt's defense off balance. "Yeah, Phil [Bennett] and I were thrown through a loop on that one, kinda like on one of those roller coasters at Kennywood. I like it there, good french fries...speaking of which, they didn't put enough on my Capicola sammitch here." Despite the work of Brister, the Pitt defense adjusted. As did the Primanti's staff, getting Wannstedt his extra fries and an IC Light on the house for the error.

Equally as unexpected was the re-emergence of Terry Bradshaw in the Steeler offense. "Now Terry is a Hall of Famer for a reason, plus he was really funny in that 'Failure to Launch' movie and in that Toby Keith music video," said Wannstedt. "He made some nice throws out there, and I guess he got himself a nice hair transplant because he's got a full mop." The two Louisiana natives split time running the Steeler offense, with Brister getting the nod for most of the second half. "They also had [Ben] Roethlisberger and [Neil] O'Donnell on their roster as well, so they must've really gone all out with their free agency signings this week in preparation for us. Why didn't they cover this on the Tunch and Wolf show?"

Another interesting development came after the game had ended. Wannstedt admittedly made a faux pas when meeting the opposing head coach at mid-field. "I thought Mike Tomlin was black, it really surprised me to see a middle-aged white guy walking to me and acting like the head coach. I'll have to watch Stan Savran on Sportsbeat to figure out what the hell is going on." Last game, Wannstedt was stunned to find himself shaking the hand of a black Marv Levy from Buffalo. Sources indicate that Steelers owner and chairman Dan Rooney intends to investigate the matter thoroughly.

Butt Rock Friday - Iowa Edition

2008-09-19T03:02:00.001-04:00

We at Panther Rants know good and damn well that Nirvana is far from butt rock. For starters, it's the wrong decade entirely. Secondly, you never see some guy on the roof of his house, installing new shingles, with Nirvana blasting out of his 1988 Panasonic boom box with the bent antenna and paint stains. But the truth is, we could think of no better song to welcome Iowa with, given their recent legal troubles.

So here's Nirvana with "Rape Me," a pretty damn appropriate song given what non-conference BCS teams have done to Pitt at Heinz Field since...well, the move to Heinz Field.

Best Damn WLAT Show Period

2008-09-18T22:24:00.003-04:00

Sponsored By:

Walt: Hello Everyone! Welcome to the "BEST DAMN WLAT SHOW" period! We have a great show for you tonight. We have two new co-hosts to the show. We're also back at Denny's and we have a nice booth set up here.

Kevan Barlow: We also have a new logo as well. I love it.

Walt: Yeah, the Pitt people we hired procrastinated in making us a logo for the show. It goes to show the apple doesn't fall far from the tree when it comes to show logos, team logos, merchandise, uniforms, etc. Anyways Kevan, introduce our two new co-hosts.

Kevan: Our first co-host is a Pitt legend or at least some people think he is. He was the golden boy, the first guy to throw five touchdowns at Notre Dame, and a guy who said he'd run his mom over. Give it up for Tyler Palko!

( crowd applause )

Tyler Palko: Thanks for inviting me on the show.

Kevan: Dude, why do you keep checking your cellphone?

Tyler: To see if anyone needs an "arm". Some practice squad should be calling me soon.

Kevan: It ain't happening. If they need an arm, they'll call the drummer from Def Leppard before they'll call you.

Walt: You know, that guy is a really good drummer. We need a band on this show. He could be the band leader.

Kevan: I thought you invited Kool and the Gang?

Walt: I did, but you remember that scene from Animal House?

Kevan: Do you mind if we dance wif yo dates?

Walt: Exactly. Like Otis Day, they don't know who I am now. Then again, we should head to Carlow after this and find us some women.

Kevan: Speaking of that, I know someone who may need that help. Ladies and Gentlemen, our new co-host, Mr. Tyre Young!

Tyre Young: Thanks for having me as co-host. It's great to be on this show.

Kevan: Well we needed a Michael Strahan for the show. I mean you were a mean defensive player with his share of women problems. The only problem is Mike's not broke like you.

Tyre: What's this me having problems finding women? How did you guys know?

Kevan: Well, it's no big secret. We found this page about you on the web.

Walt: When you're posted on dontdatehimgirl.com, you know you're going to have women troubles. And what's this about making it the NFL? You told your women this?

Tyre: Well, I did leave IUP early because I figured I didn't have much else to accomplish....

Walt: Well...it's only IUP. I can't see what you can accomplish there.

Palko: You left IUP a year early? IUP???? Are you serious?

Tyre: Hey Palko, I saw what Kevan did to you the last show. I can do the same thing you know.
( Palko hides behind Kevan's chair. )

Kevan: It's ok, Tyler. I'll make sure big bad Tyre doesn't get to you.

Walt: I'm not sure about that, Tyler. If it was Nick Goings in that chair, I'd feel more safe.

Kevan: F*** You......

Walt: So Tyre, did you make it to the NFL?

Tyre: No, but I still check my cellphone every hour.

Kevan: I just had this same conversation with Tyler. You both need to let it go.

Walt: Yeah, Kevan "let it go" many times in his career.

( Palko sits back in this chair )

Palko: I don't what I'm worried about. Tyre isn't going to do anything.

Kevan: He may shoot your ass

Palko: No he'll just shoot himself on the way over to me!

( Palko, Barlow, and Young scuffle )

Walt: Well, we're going to have to end this show on a bad note. It was a bad show tonight and I think our team had an issue with preparation. Sometimes you write a script and it just doesn't work. We'll see you next week as I try to make this show into a big time ratings contender. Ladies, remember if your man tries to say he's going to be in the NFL....always take it account that he left a PSAC school early. In other words, don't date him girl!

Former Iowa Coach Discusses Pitt Game

2008-09-18T18:01:00.002-04:00

Ames, Iowa: We caught up with former Iowa head football coach and legend of the program, Hayden Fox today. We questioned the coach about his relationship with the Iowa program. "I coached there for 20 years and am still very active in the Ames community. We were fortunate enough to go to 14 bowl games so there's a lot of fond memories for the fans, myself and the community."

The topic turned to the current squad. Fox stated, "The team is really coming on after a couple of years where expectations were not met. It's always tough to maintain a high level of performance year in and year out in such a strong conference." Fry described that playing heavyweights such as Minnesota and Wisconsin State make for a difficult slate. "Those are our traditional rivals so it's always a dogfight."

When asked about his fondest memories as a head coach, Fox points to his experience with Heisman trophy finalist, Chuck Short, back in 1985. It was a magical run and everyone had a lot of fun with it. I said once that he was destined for greatness and I think that really bore out in his NFL career."

When asked for a prediction for this week's game, you could still hear some resentment about his transition out of the program. Fox elaborated, "I still think that Pitt is going down. Kirk is a great coach even though Luther Van Dam should have gotten a more serious look to take over for me."

Big Game Aftermath

2008-09-18T12:13:00.005-04:00

Blawnox (PR) Ahhh! Finally, back to civilization. After my initial report of the big game, I promised to do a follow up of the tailgating, the game itself and the celebration or sorrow that immediately followed the final whistle.

Tailgating:

I have to admit it folks; the Hawkeye faithful really have clung to trying to imitate the Steeler Nation. They are hardcore partiers and they eat like a kid with Prater Willi syndrome.

I stopped by several tailgates throughout the morning. John Saxson of Cedar Rapids, a longtime Black and Gold Fan, said, “who are you rootin’ for man?” When I told him that I was a reporter from Pittsburgh covering the big game and that I was in fact cheering for the Hawkeyes, he was elated. Miller Lite was being thrown my way as well as steaks, potatoes and of course corn. And I mean lots of corn. Mr. Saxson just wanted to know if there were any farms around the Pittsburgh area that I could hook him up with.

Megan Murray of Iowa City showed me use 97 and 98 of the 101 things Iowa women do with corn. WOW, and I thought yinzer women were skanks. Good show though, and now I know where the word corn hole came about. You just have to love the Hawkeye girls.

The Big Game:

Thank God for the rain, and this drunk who kept blowing chunks from his nose. Those were the only things that kept me awake. Iowa State is just plain bad. Coaching stinks and the players are sub par. Iowa has some very talented players, no doubt about it. They have a running back that although he has a hard time reading and writing, is big, strong and fast. He is hard to bring down. Kirk”don’t call me Kurt” Ferentz plays as close to the vest offensively as Wannstache. So I am anticipating a 13-10 ballgame on Saturday.

We Pitt fans thought that our River City Rivalry trophy was hideous. The CyHawk trophy is downright embarrassing. This thing looks like a plastic trophy that is handed out at midget league banquets. It was also very flimsy with the top being broken off at one point of the celebration festivities.

Post Game and Celebration:

Again, going back to Megan Murray and her showing us some interesting things to do with corn; it appears as if some male students and student athletes just couldn’t contain themselves in the post game celebration. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but geesh guys, you could have at least waited until you get back to your barns.

Downtown celebration was pretty fun. I have to give credit, they partied all night. I ended up at Miss Iowa’s apartment where I was stationed until Wednesday.

Thanks Miss Iowa. I understand why you didn’t want me to leave. I know its hard to find someone in Iowa that doesn’t have manure on their boots and doesn’t think that fine dining is an Arby’s, but I did have a nice time with you. I’ll see you Friday night for a nice long weekend.

The Pick-Six Watch

2008-09-18T01:17:00.003-04:00

September 30, 2006.....what is the significance of this date? Let's look at some information gathered:

1. Pitt played and beat Toldeo ( yes, we know )
2. The game was on a Saturday ( yes, we know )
3. Palko had a nice game ( yep )
4. Pitt was 4-1 after this win ( you don't get it, do you?

All of these are good points to bring up. There's not much that needs re-visited from that dreadful 2006 season. There was a lot of expectations and hope for a bowl trip. That's what you'd expect from a 6-1 start. Then came the Rutgers game and everything went downhill. The UConn game was the icing on the cake. So what is significant about the 2006 season that carries to the 2008 season?

That game was the last time the Pitt defense had an interception returned for a touchdown. That person was Gus Mustakas. Darrelle Revis had a pick-six against Cincinnati two weeks before. He's in the NFL. Clint Sessions had one against UVA. He's in the NFL. I'm not sure about a fumble returned for a touchdown. I don't have time to look that up either. I went all the way back to 2004 and can't find any record of a fumble returned for a TD. So on Panther Rants, we present: The Pick Six Watch

Contestants

1. Aaron Berry

Berry had two interceptions last year, but he has yet to get on the board for this season. Height-wise, he's not bad. He also has speed and the ability to lock down on receivers. Right now, he's the favorite .

Odds: 25-1

2. Jovanni Chappel

Jovanni is in a full time role at cornerback this year. He's a little on the short side, but he's supposedly quick as well. Right now, he's second on the list...unless Buddy Jackson takes his job.

Odds: 50-1

3. Elijah Fields

Elijah is going to get more playing time. He would be second on the odds-makers' list, but he's sharing his role with Dom Decicco. Elijah has the height and game-breaking speed to return one for a touchdown. It just depends if he can catch on playing defense and not have to be pulled for
Dom Decicco. He also has to deal with playing alongside Eric Thatcher.

Odds: 100-1

4. Eric Thatcher

Eric is more known his hitting than his ability to defend. Then again, he hasn't done much hitting as of late. He was torched last week against Buffalo for a TD. If you got money to burn and want to make a high-risk bet, here you go.

Odds: 400-1

Women of Pittsburgh Given Evacuation Notice

2008-09-17T02:14:00.005-04:00

The City of Pittsburgh, Allegheny County, and all surrounding counties has issued an evacuation notice to all "yinzer" women between the ages of 25-40. This comes from a recent article from the AP of Iowa farmers abusing pigs. A video from the article can be found here. This matter is being investigated.

A separate investigation has been conducted in Iowa where the world's largest truck stop is located. Rumors that men in University of Iowa apparel were seen loading up eighteen-wheelers full of Camel Cigarettes and cases of beer from Coors Light to Michelob Ultra. Pittsburgh women loves this kind of beer because it helps them with weight loss...or so they say. They also like to smoke as well.

The city fears the women may be lured in because the Iowa Hawkeyes apparel is similar to the apparel of the Pittsburgh Steelers. The women may think it's a Steeler home game where Iowa fans will lure this type of prey into their big rigs:

The City of Pittsburgh released this statement:

"The women of Pittsburgh ages 25-40 are to known that the recent incidents involving Iowa farmers abusing pigs may involve them. We set the age limit to twenty-five because that's when yinzer women start going downhill. We have a fear they may be lured by the black and gold of Iowa. Who knows what may happen to them, but maybe we can replace them with more hot chicks. Be sure to notify any yinzer women in the area. Some may be obese, some may wear shirts too sizes too small exposing that beer gut from all the light beer they like to drink. "

Wanny's World

2008-09-16T14:20:00.006-04:00

West Leisenring, PA (PR) Welcome to the initial installment of Wanny’s World, a mostly excellent, party time. We caught up with the stached man himself hanging out in West Leisenring at the Volunteer Fire Hall.

What brings you out to Fayette County, especially West Leisenring?

I kind of wanted to get out and experience Fayette County. It is the closest thing to Iowa and I wanted to get in the right frame of mind for Saturday’s battle. What better way but go to a small community in Fayette County. It has everything that Iowa has. Farmers, corn, cattle and tough economic times.

You could have picked a million places in Fayette County, why West Leisenring?

They have a strong contingent of Pitt faithful out there, they have suffered losses more catastrophic than Ohio or Bowling Green and I like the food the fire department serves. I am not allowed to talk about the fish sandwiches any more so don’t bother asking.

Speaking of food then, what's the pre-game meal?

Corn on the cob, baby back ribs and steaks. We are going to try to beef up a little this week and decided that like, Iowans; we will eat the hell out of some corn on the cob.

On Changes with personnel:

Not too many changes. Obviously if the right situation occurs we would like to get some more snaps for Lucas Nix, Jonathan Baldwin and Greg Cross.

Translation: If it’s the third Saturday of the month and a lunar eclipse occurs during the game, Nix may see 4 plays this week. Baldwin will see 6 plays and Greg Cross may get onto the field for one play. If not don’t expect to see anything new.

On his 0-5 record after a bye week:

Wow! I’ve been that bad? I am not sure how to explain that. I know we put a lot of emphasis on different packages and we always practice well. Hell, we are undefeated in practice so I am not sure why we have not won a game after a bye. Hopefully, that changes this Saturday.

On facing another coach with Western PA roots:

Well, Kirk is kind of like me. He doesn’t like change, is making a lot of money being mediocre and he too loves fish sandwiches and IC Light.

On opening up the offense more:

We put some nice packages in against Iowa but the key is turnovers. I have always said it’s all about turnovers. We don’t have to score 45 points a game if we don’t turn the ball over. We can win 7-3 against Iowa or any team for that matter.

On NFL coaches not playing conservative any more and offenses scoring more and more:

That’s just a fad; remember my days as DC with Dallas? It was always about being smart and conservative. We just didn’t have to take risks. It worked well for us. I don’t care that it was almost 20 years ago. We put in what we call the Goldberg package this week. And that’s all I’ll say about that!

On Buddy’s training this week:

Well, we had the boys push tractors up a hill, we had them roll fire hoses and wash 3 fire trucks. We are ready. I just want to send a thank you for the hospitality that the West Leisenring VFD showed us this week.

Good Luck Coach, you’ll need it.

Half-Assed Pitt-Iowa Preview

2008-09-16T00:50:00.001-04:00

Pitt and Iowa will play on Saturday for the first time since 1952. Panther Rants brings you a preview of this exciting matchup.

Scouting Iowa

Iowa is coming off an exciting 17-5 victory against their in-state rival, Iowa State. There are reasons for a network like the Big Ten's. It's so games like this aren't hogging up precious air time on ESPN/ABC. Instead, we're subjected to Penn State-Syracuse.

Kirk Ferentz has coached Iowa as Big Ten Co-champs twice. The last title came in 2004 and it's been downhill since. Kirk could have left when his stock was high, but he is happy that his team is like the rest of teams in the Big Ten after Ohio State and Michigan: afterthoughts.

We hear Iowa runs a similar offense to what Pitt runs. This means the game should be a sleeper. Iowa is in midst of a QB derby between Ricky Stanzi and Jake Christensen. They have a running game led by Shonn Green.

On defense, they have yet to allow their opposition to score more than five points. Scratch that, they took a safety in the ISU game.

Scouting Pitt

Pitt comes off a bye week after playing two powerhouses from the MAC Conference. This game is pretty much a must win. Hell every game for them is a must win.

Dave Wannstedt is from Pittsburgh as like Ferentz. This means we'll see similar philosophies come Saturday unless Iowa's offensive coordinator has more imagination than Pitt's.

Pitt's offense is led by quarterback Bill Stull who has mastered the five yard pass play. They have a backfield of LeSean McCoy and Conredge Collins. McCoy has yet to break 100 yards and if the offense is the same as it has been since the first two games, it's not going to be any better for him. Pitt's offensive line can't block either.

Pitt's defense likes to rush four and let the others sit back and take the rest of the punishment. We may see some blitzing, but I wouldn't get your hopes up.

Key Matchups

Pitt D-Line vs. Iowa O-Line - Iowa's offensive line is bigger which is like almost any other Big Ten Offensive line. This means you'll see Pitt rotating their linemen like the Raiders rotate head coaches. It would be pretty comical to see if Pitt blitzes a linebacker like Austin Ransom. They might need the smelling salts when the play is over. If Iowa controls the line of scrimmage, they will pretty much jam the ball down Pitt's throat.

Pitt O-line vs. Iowa D-line - Iowa has some height and size on their defensive line. Pitt's offensive line had issues blocking MAC defenses which means this won't be any easier. Look for Joe Thomas to hand out free passes to the backfield. If Stull can't get time to throw, the running backs won't have it any better.

Pitt WR/TE vs. Iowa Secondary/Linebackers - Iowa has height at cornerback which means Oderick Turner will need to make a better effort in catching the football. Dorin Dickerson and Nate Byham will be greeted by Jeremiha Hunter and friends.

Iowa Passing Game vs. Pitt's defensive backfield - Iowa's QB's weren't impressive last week. Pitt could be risky and rush more than four. This way, we could actually see them force more turnovers for once. Pitt's smaller at CB than Iowa is at wide receiver. Iowa could use the height advantage.

Overall: This could be a close low-scoring game, or Iowa could just wear Pitt out and run the ball all game to victory. If Pitt can't move the ball against a confident Iowa defense, they're screwed.

The SLAP 10!

2008-09-15T00:33:00.001-04:00

10. Syracuse

It really couldn't get any worse for Syracuse. They should be thankful Penn State pulled their starters out after the first quarter. Syracuse and Pitt will be a matchup to look forward to. We get to see which coaching staff out-dumbs each other.

9. Washington

It couldn't get any worse for you guys either. You lose to BYU on a blocked extra point. Before that, you get flagged for excessive celebration. This past weekend, you get clocked by Oklahoma. Looks like Ty Willingham will be sending out resumes pretty soon.

8. Rutgers

The Scarlet O' Hara's fifteen minutes of fame are gone with the wind. Two straight home losses. Fresno State gave Wisky a game so that loss doesn't hurt as much. Then you're routed by North Carolina. Looks like Rutgers is re-living their glory days. It gets better the next two games. You get Navy and Morgan State. No need to give the middle finger to the camera people anytime soon. You can just heckle Navy like you did last year.

7. Kansas

Plenty of time left. You're moving the ball and maybe headed to field goal range. Instead, you take a shot at the deep ball and South Florida ends up in field goal range. Not to mention you blew a ten point lead. Oh well, this game saves the Fatgino's the sting of getting routed by Oklahoma in the Big 12 Championship.

6. Auburn/Miss. State

3-2 game. One field goal. That's all you got was one damn field goal?!? This makes the 2004 PSU-Iowa game look like a shootout.

5. Purdue

Games like these are why we'll miss Joe Tiller when he's gone.

4.Pac-10

Bad weekend for you guys. Six teams in your conference lost. Shame the whole Big East didn't play this weekend, or you wouldn't be on this list. USC will sleepwalk through the conference. Hell they should just give USC the title now.

3 UCLA

After an emotional win against Tennessee, you guys bitch it up badly against BYU. Worst loss in a long time. Not much else needs to be said.

2. Rich Rodriguez

Looks like you're on your way out the door. It's only been three games. When you're only offensive weapon is Rudy-lookalike, you have issues. You're running your WVU offense with a personnel that doesn't seem to be a good fit for it. Penn State will be ending their losing streak against you. Ohio State may wipe the floor against you. Hell, you might be bowl-less for this season. If WVU bitches it up, you can always go back there. Well maybe not...they hate you.

1. Ohio State

For days, we were subjected to the endless advertising of the "Collision at the Coliseum"! There was a collision. More like a bug against a windshield. Ohio State reminds us of the Buffalo Bills of the early 90's. You're so good, that no one can beat you...in your conference. Then you play a big game against a good team from a power conference on a big stage...and you...well...can't win. Now that this game is over and Michigan stinking, we won't be subjected to endless advertising of the OSU-Michigan game months before the game is actually played.

You're Drinking LIVE!

2008-09-14T20:02:00.011-04:00

LOS ANGELES, Calif. (PR) – Folks, last night's tO$U-U$C game came with the added hilarity of the Brent Musberger Drinking Game. For those who have never undertaken this drowning of emotions/intuitions/motor skills, it’s not just a game. It’s a quest.

The evening began with Pitt Outsider East reporting for Panther Rants from the press box at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. With the legendary announcer/alcoholic sitting to his left (making East the "Pardner"), East was inspired and grabbed some beverages. He and Pitt Outsider West, along with an unsuspecting Pitt accomplice, communicated via the fiduciary outlets of cell phones and the internet to uphold the sacred laws that govern the game that is Brent Musberger and alcohol.

One of the first things realized during the evening was the original list of Musberger drinking rules was not nearly as exhaustive as it could be. Being young and ambitious (or dumb and full of cum), we decided to add such Musberger classics as “a penalty flag” and any unnecessary exclamations (such as “WOW!”) to the rules. Keep in mind, playing the game as is wreaks havoc on one’s bladder well enough. Well, our health be damned.

Throughout the evening, we noticed the most-oft utilized Brentism’s were “folks,” “hold on,” and “a penalty flag” which resulted in countless chugs of beer and fierce belching from all parties involved. Our Pitt friend made great mention of the fact that Musberger alluded to Terrelle Pryor as the “Young Pryor,” thus falling under Rule 11 as a pet name. Speaking of “ism’s,” our Pitt friend alluded to USC’s conservative 2-minute drill towards the end of the 1st half as being a “Cavism” alluding to Pitt’s fearless Offensive Coordinator Matt Cavanaugh. We couldn’t agree more.

The 2nd half to tO$U-U$C and Musberger was delayed by the hilarious, ridiculous Auburn-Mississippi State game. Pitt Outsider East called Pitt Outsider West and both broke into uncontrollable, pants-pissing laughter upon switching to ESPN2. In a 9 inning pitcher’s duel, the Auburn Tigers pulled away with a 3-2 victory over the MSU Bulldogs in Starkville, MS. The best part was Auburn taking a knee three times to preserve the victory.

While the tO$U-U$C game on the field was pretty much over, the Brent game was far from it. In one stretch, 3 “folks” 2 “friends” and a “Number Two” Pryor pet name resulted in an all-out chug from all parties participating. Fortunately, the Brent onslaught subsided once USC pulled Mark Sanchez in the 4th.

With the final seconds ticking away on this 35-3 Trojan shellacking, and with a dwindling supply of beer and cerebral orientation, we were thought to be in the clear. Brent must've sensed our pain, prompting more Musberger euphemisms prior to sending it back to John Saunders in New York (roughly 4 “folks,” 2 “friends,” and one "pardner", plus the John Saunders).

At the end of the evening, drunk and disoriented, our love of the Brent couldn’t have been more fervent. The same, however, cannot be said for our livers. They were "not pleased."

tO$U/U$C Halftime Show Preview

2008-09-13T21:56:00.007-04:00

LOS ANGELES, Calif. (PR) – While here in the press box at the Coliseum during the first half of this evening's match-up between Ohio $tate and $outhern Cal, Panther Rants obtained this exclusive photo from The Best Damn Band in the Land's practice this week in Columbus. This drill will be used during their halftime show tonight.

More to come later after our Brent Musberger drinking game concludes. Enjoy the second half, folks!

Iowa: "We wish we were Pittsburgh"

2008-09-13T08:50:00.006-04:00

BLAWNOX (PR) - In a strange turn of events this week, the entire corn shucking fanbase of Iowa is looking past today's rivalry game with Iowa State, instead focusing on what they're calling a "return to our roots" in Pittsburgh next week.

Panther Rants was stunned to learn of this development so the staff telepathically contacted legendary Iowa Coach Hayden Fox to get his insights.

PR: Coach Fox, thanks for giving us some time. How are you enjoying retirement?

HF: It's Fry, thank you, and I'm enjoying retirement.

PR: You'll get the fries we promised after the interview. First, we'd like to know how Dauber's doing these days?

HF: Who? I think you've got me confused with someone ...

Editorial note: Coach Fox is nearing his 90s and has only slightly better mental capacities than Joe Paterno

PR: Nevermind. Let's move on to why we're speaking with you today. Coach, what's the deal with Iowa fans saying next week's trip to Pittsburgh is a return to their roots? We know they're a bunch of midwestern goobers, but we just can't see the connection. You're the most successful coach in the school's history, and you're from Texas. So we're having trouble making the connection.

HF: Well, you see, in the late 70s we at Iowa came to the realization that we had no real tradition of our own, so we were looking for a way to fix that as quickly as possible. The timing couldn't have worked out any better. We're black and gold, just like the Steelers who are clearly the most recognized football team at any level. So we stole their uniforms and slapped our logo on them.

PR: So, in lieu of being able to create your own football tradition as an annual also ran in the Fat Ten, you decided to just steal someone else's identity?

HF: Yep, and it worked, too. Our jersey sales went through the roof as many confused Steelers fans bought our jersey thinking it was a Steelers jersey. And in 1982, our games drew record television audiences as many people thought they were watching the Steelers getting some work in during the strike. It's been great for us and gave us some instant recognition.

PR: But, coach, wouldn't you rather that your program develop its own identity?

HF: Well, of course. But how the hell do you expect to develop any kind of national recognition when you're a half-assed program playing out in the middle of nowhere? Iowa isn't Texas. People there are more excited by the corn harvest than opening kickoff. We saw other benefits, too. The Steelers uniforms ... I mean, our new uniforms raised our national profile so well that we were able to recruit some athletes from outside the state. That meant we weren't losing guys for a month when they had to go home and help with the harvest. That led to us winning a few Fat Ten titles.

PR: You're serious?

HF: Hell yeah I'm serious. We even have four - well I guess five, now - Lombardi Trophy replicas in our football offices. What the hell, right? If you're going to sell out what little history and tradition you have, you may as well go all the way.

PR: ....

HF: By the way, what the hell happened to Pitt's uniforms?

PR: Let's not get into that, coach.

HF: Seriously. Are you Navy? Notre Dame? Maybe you should knock off the Rams uniforms.

PR: Do you know Chris Ferris? Well, anyway, coach, while we have you here, what made you leave Iowa for Minnesota State? Was leaving the Screaming Eagles for the Orlando Breakers as much of a mistake as it seemed from the outside? How's coach Van Dam doing these days?

HF: What? Huh?

PR: That's OK coach, we understand this is all probably a little bit too much excitement for you. What kind of fries do you want? McDonald's? Burger King?

HF: No, my last name is ... aw hell, just give me the McDonald's fries.

The "Big Game" Week in Review

2008-09-12T13:06:00.007-04:00

IOWA CITY, Iowa (PR) – Panther Rants was able to scrape some cash together from our PantherRants.blogspot.com t-shirt sales and send a reporter to Iowa City, Iowa to scout our next opponent.

Once we arrived, the smell of pig shit was in the air. I figured it would smell like a farm, but did not expect the aroma to be this overwhelming.

We checked into the Golden Haug Bed and Breakfast. The three hotels that are in the city and 4 motels were all booked. This place actually has a hog farm in the back yard. Breakfast was good which included ham, sausage and flapjacks. The house does not have central air and the toilet is an outhouse, but hey, this reporter has been to Morgantown on occasion and is accustomed to this type of accommodations.

After breakfast, I was able to stroll through the town of Iowa City and the University of Iowa campus.

There is no doubt about it: the IOWA acronym is true... Idiots Out Walking Around.

There really is not much to do. We ran into several pig farmers, several corn farmers and a student that came down from Ames (home of Iowa State). The cumulative IQ in the bunch could not have been higher than 150.

I asked several questions about the “BIG GAME”. The farmers could care less. All the wanted to talk about was Nematodes (basically bugs that can destroy corn crop) and the rising waters of the Mississippi River.

Out to the bars we went to gauge the interest from the Hawkeye student body. We did a little bar crawl. We went to Brothers Bar and Grill, George’s Buffet, the Field house and Charlies.

I will say this, these people here do not like African Americans or what one bouncer told me “thump-thump music lovers.”

With the exception of Charlie's, these bars were rundown dumps reeking of urine and Pig Shit. Most were allowed to spit their tobacco juice on the floor. They have no club scene and the college bars are pathetic. With the flannel, black and gold and body odor; I kind of felt like I was at a Steelers tailgate.

I did catch up with one student who had a 5 o’clock shadow and was spitting tobacco juice on the floor. Annie Brubaker is a third-year horticulture major at Iowa. She said “We’ve been slinging cow shit at them Cyclone fans all week. I can’t wait to pull out a big win over them.”

When asked about her thoughts about the Pitt Panthers she said, “We ain't too worried about them, those city kids have nuthin on our boys. We feed em beer, sausage and corn here in Iowa. A pure recipe for success.”

There are some other things that I find peculiar from Iowa. And because I can't even make this stuff up on I-35 yesterday the highway was shut down for 9 hours due to a hog truck turning over. The truck wasn't the only thing that tied up the road, however. It seems that some locals came out to try and loot the pigs. State Police had to restore order.

Headlines that dominated their papers this week included:

Postville plant officials face child labor accusations,
Web site posts Iowans private information, and
UI investigation report nearly done

That last one was about the cover up at UI when several football players were accused of rape.

I did speak with several towns-people regarding this. The overwhelming response was that “the girl knew what she was getting into. No doesn’t always mean no.” It must be a Big Ten thing, they sound a lot like Paterno.

We did not run into Tom Arnold or Hayden Fry, although we may see them tomorrow. I’ll have another report from Iowa City about the tailgate experience, the game and postgame.

Butt Rock Friday - Off Week Edition

2008-09-12T01:21:00.001-04:00

Even though Pitt's off this week, Butt Rock Friday never takes a day off during the season. And, after Pitt's performances against Buffalo and Bowling Shoes, and the horrible performance by Rutgers last night against North Carolina, West Virginia's game Saturday against East Carolina and Syracuse's performance against...pretty much everyone since Greg Robinson got to town we could think of no better jam than this one.

P.S. You know you're DYING to crank this sum'bitch up on the speakers on your work computer. They probably don't pay you enough to NOT keep the volume low anyways.

The Best Damn WLAT Show....Period!

2008-09-12T00:23:00.003-04:00

Live from a hospital bed where we can't disclose our location.....it's the BEST......DAMN....WLAT SHOW.....PERIOD! Hosted by the one who took you to bowl games, Walt Harris! Co-starring with Walt is his partner in crime, the man who Walt loves to bench, the man who couldn't beat out Tyrone Carter...err ummm I'm getting the hell out of here because Kevan Barlow is about to kick my ass!

( announcer seen running into the crowd )

Kevan Barlow: The show is sponsored by:

Walt Harris: Thank You Everybody! We have one hell of show tonight. As always my partner in crime, Kevan Barlow, is here alongside with me as we do what we always do on this show

Kevan: What's that?

Walt: Answer fan mail, have guests on the show, and make fun of you.

Kevan: Speaking of that, you know I almost joined you in a hospital bed next to you.

Walt: Is it because Nick Goings made the Carolina roster again?

Kevan: Yeah whatever. Anyways, I couldn't help it that Shady McCoy can't break 100 yards against Bowling Green or Buffalo.

Walt: Well...you know...he had more rushing yards as freshman than you did.

Kevan: Yeah I know, but he also still can't hold the ball either.

Walt: Well neither could you. I mean Dustin Piccotti had a better handle than you.

Kevan: Dustin Piccotti would get woozy when the hot water would hit his head in the shower...Puuhlease! ( crowd boos )

Walt: That was low, Kevan. Almost as low as your tenure in New York.

Kevan: You know, I'm going to just drop it because I was told to wait until you get out of that bed to do anything.

Walt: "Drop it" is what you did a good bit playing for me. Booyah!!!

Kevan: Anyways, we have a letter to address on this show. This comes from Greg in Piscataway. He writes:

Dear Walt,

I'm coaching at a program where we may have peaked about two years ago. Our quarterback has regressed and we're 0-2 after tonight's loss. My name keeps being mentioned for other jobs and I'm thinking of bolting. The good part is this program will give me whatever I want and they're even expanding our stadium. What should I do? Should I leave after this year or keep ass clowning where I'm at where I'll receive a steady paycheck?

Signed,

Greg
Piscataway, NJ

Walt: First off, why in the hell is Rutgers expanding their stadium? That stadium will look twice as empty once the program goes back to where it was in 2001. Greg, my advice is simple. Keep ass clowning where you're at. Make a few International Bowls and stack up the job offers. Mention where the program was before you came here. They'll feel guilty for trying to replace you. You may hit a point of no return. To get out, just have your agent trash the program and recruit suspect players at the point where your cupboard is bare by the time you leave. This will make yourself look good and then you can land a job where you can clown to a point where they'll buy you out. Then you can have your own show like I do.

Kevan: Great Job, Mr. Coaching Genius! Today we have a special guest on the show. He led you to the Fiesta Bowl, threw five touchdown passes at Notre Dame, and kept Frank Solich's job secure in Ohio. Fresh from his NFL stint, it's your golden boy....Tyler Palko

( Thunderous Applause )

Walt: Welcome to the show, Tyler!

Tyler: It's great being here.

Kevan: Well...where else would you be?

Tyler: On the sidelines warming up maybe.

Kevan: Well they could probably use you in Oakland. Do you have any eligibility left?

Walt: Enough, Kevan. Tyler, you can sit in Kevan's chair. Kevan, go sit on the bench.

Kevan: I'm warning you. Knock it off.

Walt: Well Tyler, I remember you had a nice sophomore season at Pitt. I remember because I coached you. So tell me, what happened since?

Tyler: Well we won a share of the Big East title. I had a great season passing with Greg Lee and Joe Delsardo as my receivers.

Walt: Ok....what else?

Tyler: I threw five touchdowns at Notre Dame:

Walt: I remember that! What else?

Tyler: I cursed on national television.

Walt: Anything else?

Tyler: We hired...Dave Wannstedt...and we hired Matt Cavanaugh. He had no knowledge of the hashmarks! Then the offensive line was depleted. Greg Lee started dropping passes. We lost to Ohio in overtime! I was running for my life every play. Oh God! I gotta get out of here! I gotta get out of here!

Walt: ( gets up and shakes Palko ) Tyler, get a hold of yourself ( slaps Tyler )

Kevan: ( starts beating on Palko ) You're not playing anymore! ( shakes Tyler some more )

Tyler: ( calms down ) Okay, I feel better now. Thanks Kevan for reminding me that I'm not a Pitt anymore.

Kevan: No problem, buddy! ( pauses then screams out ) ELVIS DUMERVILLE!

Palko: ( rolls into a ball ) No! Please! Make it stop! ( Runs off stage )

Kevan: Can we add him on the show? I could have so much fun with this!

Walt: Knock it off, Kevan. The man faced some serious flashbacks in his final years at Pitt. You know what? Let's hire him on. We almost have a full staff. We just need a Ryan Seacrest lookalike and a Tom Arnold type.

Kevan: Call up Yogi Roth, he could fit the mold.

Walt: Which one? Ok, we're out of time. We'll save it for next show. Good night everyone. Remember, if you're stuck at some job in Jersey. Things could we worse. You could be in Syracuse right now. Hindsight is 50/50!

News in Brief - Sept. 10

2008-09-10T22:55:00.002-04:00

PITTSBURGH- Former University of Pittsburgh football coach Wlat Harris is listed in stable condition after rupturing his appendix Saturday evening.
Harris was reportedly rushed from his seat at Heinz Field to UPMC-Presbyterian after excessive laughter at Pitt's offense in Saturday's game against Buffalo caused the appendix to burst.
"Coach Harris is resting comfortably and is in good spirits," said a hospital spokeswoman.
A source who allegedly has seats near Harris, who was the Panthers coach from 1997 to 2004, said that Harris was laughing uncontrollably and yelling, "THREE UNDRED FIFTY-TWO YARDS TOTAL? ARE YOU FUCKIN' KIDDING ME?" When he doubled over in pain. Stadium security was then called, who requested paramedics.

OAKLAND- With 10 weeks remaining in the season, the athletic department has announced additional upcoming promotions for a football team worth spending money on about as much as a 300-pound stripper is.
Marketing SomethingorOther Chris Ferris announced Sunday that the Panthers will be hosting Princell Brockenbrough "Bobble Night," against Rutgers on Oct. 25 and "Redneck Appreciation Day" against Louisville in November.
Ferris emphasized that the Brockenbrough promotion is not a "bobblehead" day, meaning the fans would receive lifelife dolls of the former Pitt wide receiver. Instead, anyone who bobbles anything - a football, their game ticket, the airplane bottle of Jack Daniels they're atempting to sneak in - will receive free admission.
"We thought about doing bobbleheads, then realized that we can't afford it and...seriously, who is showing up for Princell Brockenbrough bobbleheads?" Ferris asked.
For Redneck Appreciation Day, anyone who arrives to the stadium wearing a shirt missing sleeves, or in Wrangler jeans, or in a pickup truck with those stupid-assed plastic testicles hanging from the pumper hitch (more commonly known as "truck nutz") will be admitted into the stadium for $1.
"Given the demographics of Pittsburgh and western Pensylvania, we expect a fairly significant crowd for this game," Ferris said.

Weekly Update with Foge!

2008-09-10T15:18:00.009-04:00

MONESSEN (PR) – We caught up with Foge at La Eda’s Restaurant in Monessen. Foge was eating baked ziti with sausage and loved it.

PR: What brings you to the Mon Valley?

FF: I just love this place. La Eda’s is a great restaurant and I kind of do a tour of restaurants serving good Italian cuisine. Plus, the Mon Valley is about as innovative and forward thinking as Matt Cavanaugh’s offensive play calling. So it put me in the mood to visit this dinosaur of a place.

PR: What were your thoughts about the Buffalo game?

FF: They did show improvement and that is what is expected from week one to week two. But in my opinion not enough improvement was made.

PR: We all know that Dave likes fish sandwiches, are you taking him anything back from here?

FF: Oh yeah definitely. Dave is going to be staying away from fish for a while. He is getting the Chicken Parmesan with a side of pasta and a large salad with cheese.

PR: Does the comments from Dave saying, “the team is only 60-70% of where we should be now”, concern you?

FF: Most definitely! I mean, he has had almost 9 months since the WVU game to get his team to where they need to be. That is on him and his staff to prepare the team to play the games. It is nice that Dave is making changes, but cassette tapes from 80’s bands can only take you so far.

PR: How about this one from Dave? “ The kids were not going to get down at halftime like they did against Bowling Green.” What was Dave doing at halftime against Bowling Green and what tricks did he employ at halftime against Buffalo?

FF: Well, you know I was in the booth but it is my understanding that at halftime against Bowling Green he was trying out a new wax for his 89 Camaro, IROC Z. He was very pleased with it by the way. But, he felt so comfortable with the 3-point lead that he built up that he just went out and rubbed on some wax. Last week, against the Bulls he actually stayed in the locker room and just talked to his team. That with the senior leaders and Shady was enough for them not to get down on themselves.

PR: Have you heard of any changes from coach for the next week?

FF: A few things that I overheard. He is seriously thinking going Jimmy Buffett style and go with a pencil thin mustache. We shall see. Also, he realizes that he we have an open week this Saturday. So he is going to gather the team to watch some games.

PR: That’s great, maybe a little scouting work with the likes of Iowa St vs. Iowa, PSU vs. Syracuse, Navy at Duke, Michigan vs. Notre Dame, Virginia vs. Connecticut they can comment on things that they see as they all watch these games together.

FF: Hahahehe, you really are hilarious. Dave isn’t watching those games. He is bringing out old films of his days with the Miami (Hurricanes and Dolphins), the Bears and the Cowboys (Dallas and Oklahoma St.) C’mon fellas you know how much he loves to live in the 80’s. Damn it didn’t I tell you that he was waxing his IROC Z during halftime against Bowling Green.

PR: Easy Foge, take a sip of your wine.

PR: OK, let's break down certain aspects of the team and grade them.

PR: Coaching?

FF: C-; did show some improvement. Albeit minor. Still need to get more work for Baldwin and Cross should have come in for at least 6 plays. But I guess he is going to use him for Iowa.

Offensive play calling was still brutal. The game plan, if you can call it that, was ultra conservative. Open up with a play action pass, No Greg Cross, No imagination, NO STUGOTS! I read where you picked up on some of Matt’s phobias. Not sure about the deal with Rooney, but it makes sense. He avoids that area like a hippie avoids Dial!

Defensive play calling; almost as bad. Not enough blitzing. Corners still way to far off the ball. I thought Rhoads was in Alabama?

PR: Special Teams?

FF: B-; It could’ve been better but the 1st kickoff went out of bounce. I thought Jason Biggs was the kid that played Jim Levenstein in the American Pie flicks. (Actually Pitt used kicker Luke Briggs) Hey, how about that apple pie trick that his dad caught him at? Brutus (Brytus) still stinks and Berry missed another punt. Connor Lee was much better. Thank goodness!

PR: Offensive line?

FF: C-; Joe Thomas with yet another underwhelming effort. It was so nice to see Nix dominate for 2 plays before they returned to the Teaberry Shuffling Thomas.

PR: Receivers?

FF: B+; TJ Porter was good. Cedric had the fantastic catch that saved the game in my opinion and O Turner and Kinder were pretty good as well.

PR: Running backs?

FF: B- Shady looked good, but I’d still like to see him just run straight once he breaks the line instead of trying to run straight to the sideline.

PR: Quarterback?

FF: C+ Not bad, but again, Cav will not allow him to throw crossing routes or slants. So, until then he will be coddled and we will struggle with the entire offense. I am slightly encouraged at what I saw though. Although, it’s time to get rid of the little beard and earring. It makes him look like a finook.

PR: Overall Defense?

FF: C+; The front four got dominated by Buffalo. I know that Mick Williams, who has amassed more time in the tub than any other Pitt player in its history, was out but c’mon you have to stop Buffalo better.

Linebackers: C-: Ok, Austin Powers (Ransom) is just getting killed. When is that tough kid from Hazelwood coming back? Bonasorte never should miss games.

PR: Excuse me, Foge, it’s Shane Murray.

FF: Oh yeah Murray, whatever. Hazelwood kids should be much tougher. Plus, throw Tristan Roberts out there every once in a while. Mckillop earned the Big East player of the week. I wonder if they will show the ole’ that the Buffalo QB threw on him. He needs to come of off blocks better.

Secondary: C-. After more misses from DeCicco, Fields finally comes in only to get burnt by a blown assignment. Although the QB was only allowed to pump fake the ball 11 times. Reminded me of the old three on three, back yard football I played when I was young.

PR: Where do they go from here?

FF: Well, Iowa is a big step up from the two teams that they played. However, maybe we can offer some dope and booze to their players and that should help even the playing field. Personally, I think that we can get by these Corn Eaters.

If not look for more vitriol towards this staff.

Guys, I have to go pay my bill. See ya!

PR: Bye Foge, we’ll see you next week.

Truth discovered!

2008-09-08T20:29:00.008-04:00

BLAWNOX (PR) – Thanks to our undercover reporting team at Panther Rants, we have come up with two connected theories as to why the middle of the field has not been utilized in Matt Cavanaugh's offense. But before we get to that discovery, let's review some predictions that this columnist made last week.

1. Chase Clowser was in line for his first start. He truly was, however, after consuming no less than 68 Buffalo wings, poor Chase was forced to vomit. Rumor has it, someone(Joe Thomas) challenged him to eat the amount of wings that was on his jersey. He stopped 4 short of the 72 mark before he vomited onto Dom Deccico's hands. Which solves another mystery as to why "Dego Dom" has been missing tackle left and right. Greasy hands. This week its thanks to Clowser.

Lucas Nix's time did increase. He saw action on 2 plays, both of which he dominated his defender. After that, it was the Joe "ole" Thomas show. Elijah Fields' time increased remarkably, only after a degreasing solution would not work on Deccico's hands. Maybe that's why he tried so many block tackles. Chiminie Ching Hee-Haw, this aint the WPIAL anymore my friend. Also, Jonathan Baldwin saw a total of 3 plays. Thanks again, to the predictability of the coaching staff and our undercover reporter, we were right again.

And we did in fact hear Tom Petty's "Last Dance with Mary Jane" a song Paterno finally banned at PSU, Bryan Adams "Run to You", and Stevie Nix with Fleetwood Mac "Don't Stop Thinking about Tomorrow" all blaring from Wanny cassette player.

Finally, everyone enjoyed their pregame meal of Buffalo wings. Sorry Chase?!?!

Now, to our investigative piece of the story. Our sources and undercover team have uncovered several explanations as to why Pitt's Offensive Un-coordinator will not allow QB Bill Stull to throw over the middle.

Matt has received compensation from Dan Rooney for keeping his plays to the sideline. We all know that the idiot Rooney, who should go to a field turf, wants to keep the natural grass surface because it reminds him of the green, green fields of Ireland. I like potatoes too Dan, but I am not growing acres of them in my back yard. But with the 78 games played a year at Heinz, along with the 42 concerts a year in a variable climate, the grass just cannot sustain any thickness and gets torn up in chunks. That fact, coupled with a few landscape design graduates from Penn State and we have the crap field that makes up the playing surface at Heinz. So Rooney went above and beyond to try and keep the middle of the field clear. Offering a rather nice sum cash and a few cases of Irish Whiskey was enough to lure old Cavvy.

Another explanation also exists. Matt Cavanaugh suffers from a series of phobias, that together, spells doom for the future success of the Pitt offense and overall team. They include: Agoraphobia - the fear of open spaces (and as you can see from our special effect, Matt the middle is open!) Cainophobia - the fear of newness (this is also evident, Matt hasn't tried anything new since his Raven days) Phronemophobia - the fear of thinking (really Matt, designing plays for 5 yards when its 4th and 10?) Ergasiophobia - the fear of functioning (Matt does function well at Mario's) This PantherRant writer wishes that Cavanaugh suffered from Mastigophobia - a fear of public flogging. Or Enissophobia - the fear of criticism ( we may see an innovative mind at work) And one that we know Matt does not suffer from is Methyphobia - the fear of alcohol. Although I do believe that Pitt Football is suffering from Matcavnotophobia - the fear of advancing college offenses.

With these new developments in the spotlight, maybe we can finally get some changes put forth to the type of offense that Pitt will put on display for the rest of the season. And finally, maybe, Rooney will go with the smart decision, Field Turf.

Big East Round Up – Week 2

2008-09-07T17:23:00.002-04:00

AKRON 42, SYRACUSE 28: What else can be said about Greg Robinson? He should be washing cars for a living…Although, we digress. He would absolutely ruin that wax job you got last week. Despite rampant rumors, the Akron Athletic Department has vehemently denied that Paul Rhoads is the Zips’ hopping Kangaroo mascot "Zippy."

OKLAHOMA 52, CINCINNATI 26: Dustin Grutza’s leg is broken. Somewhere, Joe Theismann is smiling. Rather than send in a 3rd string quarterback, Cincy chose to wait for the ruling on Ben Mauk’s 912th appeal to the NCAA for another year of eligibility. In order to expedite the process, Coach Brian Kelly has taken Miles Brand for ransom. Sources indicate his only demands thus far are for more Funyuns and Mountain Dew.

EAST CAROLINA 24, WEST VIRGINIA 3: Bill Stewart’s riveting halftime speech about shooting squirrels, falling down a well, getting kicked in the head by a mule, and finding Jesus was too little too late. No word yet on if the WVU secondary simply wanted to caress the satin-like appearance of the purple ECU Pirate offense rather than tackle them…

PITT 27, BUFFALO 16: The Pitt coaching staff was dumbfounded when the likes of Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas, and Bruce Smith didn’t play a single down for Buffalo. Word has it that when Dave Wannstedt went to meet Buffalo’s head coach at the end of the game, he incredulously exclaimed "Marv Levy’s black?!"

USF 31, UCF 24 (OT): Matt Grothe made out with a hot cheerleader on national TV at game’s end. Reportedly, he sprung a Grothe soon afterward. No word on if he pulled out...

LOUISVILLE 51, TENNESSEE TECH 10: As we speak, Hunter Cantwell is still holding on to the ball in his throwing motion. Estimated time of release: Week 6. To help pass the time until then, we invite you to count how many times Steve Kragthorpe says "Fuck" while on the Cardinal sidelines.

UCONN 12, TEMPLE 9 (OT): LOL.

Eating WLATIES with WLAT

2008-09-05T21:59:00.008-04:00

Announcer: Live from a hospital bed from a private location. He's the one who took you to bowl games. He's the one that kept your team competitive. He's also the reason Julius Jones is still running. Let's also not forget he needed overtime to beat Furman! Well hindsight is 50/50. It's your host, Walt Harris!!!!

( crowd applause )

Walt ( laying in a hospital bed ) : Thank you everyone! I appreciate the cards and letters I've received from all my fans. It's been a trying week for me. They say laughter is the best medicine around. Unfortunately for me, I had too much of it at Heinz Field on Saturday. It's been a shame. The doctors and nurses have forbid me from watching a tape of the Bowling Green-Pitt game or the Pitt-Ohio game. They say I may hurt myself more from the laughter.

Kevan Barlow: You're just on that bed because I put you there.

Walt: Everyone, welcome my new Ed McMahon of this show, your one and only...Kevan Barlow!

( crowd applause )

Walt: We got such good reception from last week's show so I decided to keep Kevan around.

Kevan: You just need me for ratings. Everyone is just waiting for me to pounce on you.

Walt: I only gave you this job because you needed one.

Kevan: F*** You.

Walt: Keep that up and I'll bench you for Tyler Palko when his practice squad days are over.

Kevan: Whatever.

Walt: Well let's go to the fan mail. This one comes from Matt in the Southside. It reads:

Dear Walt,

I am a football coach for a certain football team. We have all this supposed talent on the roster and I don't know what to do with it. Our quarterback seems to lack arm strength and we've resorted to throwing five yard passes. The only problem is the other team stacks up on us when they play defense. What should we do?

Signed,

Matt from Southside

Walt: Dear, Matt. You should......ha...hahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha. ( laughing uncontrollably ). Oh man, this is great. You want my advice? Really? Matt, I would answer this, but I think I'll be in intensive care by the time I finish answering it. Well Matt sometimes you call plays and they just don't work. So keep at what you're doing. It may work out in a few years or you can just wait till you get canned for someone else to figure it out. Punt on the 35? Well that's like not throwing to Larry Fitzgerald in a bowl game. Field goal with over 20 seconds left? Hell, have the QB do a slide. Do something meaningful for those 20 seconds.

Kevan: Yeah it's like benching your best tailback against Syracuse when they were good, or not running the ball against Iowa State ( laughing )

Walt: Oh yeah, it's like losing your roster spot to Carey Davis or Tyrone Carter.

( Kevan being held back by nurses )

Walt: Well that's it for today's show. Kevan is being put to sleep right now. Foge Fazio was to be our guest, but he's out getting tanked with Bill Hilgrove and Bill Fralic. I hear Fralic is more lively after a few beers. Enjoy the Buffalo game to the 35 students who plan to show up for it.

A Change Will do you Good

2008-09-05T07:19:00.005-04:00

Southside(PR) After a tumultuous start to the season Dave Wannstedt is looking at changes. Undoubtedly, the first thing he would like to do is get rid of the turnovers. "They can expect us to hold onto the football," he said. "That would be the most important thing. We have to protect the ball and not give up any easy scores. As long as we do that, we'll have a chance to beat everybody we play." Other than that key change "The Great Stache" will only make minor tweaks to his pregame routine and to the game itself.

Other changes per Wanny include: A different pregame meal, "I spoke with Foge the other day and we talked a little about the Fish sandwiches." "We'll definitely be eating Buffalo Wings on Saturday. I still don't understand how they come from a Buffalo. I have yet to see wings on them." It's a real head scratcher said Wanndstedt. It sure is Dave! Chase Clowser will get the starting nod at Right tackle, where Joe Thomas struggled mightily. Wannstedt said, Oh I thought Joe did a great job for us last week, but Chase has shown such an affection for devouring Buffalo wings that we just had to put him in the staring lineup against the Bills. Tom Petty, Stevie Nix and Bryan Adams will be blaring from the speakers of Dave's boombox in the locker room. "I am taking my Divo, Journey and Buffalo Springfield cassettes out and giving these new artists a look." You can also expect to see Jonathan Baldwin's, Lucas Nix's and Elijah Field's playing time double. Which means Baldwin will see 4 plays this game as O. Turner drops more passes and you might see Fields and L. Nix get one play each. Other than that, Wanny said no changes will be made to his personal grooming habits, offensive philosophy and play calling and to his thoughts of 4th downs on Buffalo's 35 yard line. "Oh with Bruce Smith out there playing defense you have to play the field position game." Here's hoping that Wannstedt has Sheryl Crow in his cassette collection because more changes can do him good.

Butt Rock Friday - Wannstedt Edition

2008-09-05T01:36:00.001-04:00

It's not new news that Wanny loves the 80s. That's all he talks about is the 80's. How good Pitt was in the 80's. How good Miami was with Jimmy in the 80's. How he still prefers his Pontiac Fiero over the leased Cadillac that the university has given him. He can't get enough of them.

Well, here's a video from the 80's; 1986 to be exact. Farm Aid to be even more specific. Tom Petty's, "Even the Losers (get lucky sometime)," which we at Panther Rants believe might be the strategy for the remainder of the season.

Pitt-Buffalo Game Finds a Home!

2008-09-03T23:33:00.003-04:00

Our sources have found out that the University of Pittsburgh and the University of Buffalo have come to an agreement with Viacom to have Saturday's game televised. The game will be tied in part with a marathon of the show Night Court on the channel TVLAND. Night Court, a very popular sitcom that aired from 1984 to 1992, is a favorite among viewers.

Steve Pederson, Pitt's AD, released this statement late Wednesday evening:

"As head of the athletic department, it's my goal to ensure that all Pitt fans from around the country are able to watch Pitt Football. We'd like thank Viacom for their assistance on this matter. Night Court was a great comedy show back from the mid-80's to the early 90's which also can be said for our football program in that timespan. TVLAND host a lot of great re-runs from the past. When Pitt fans think of Pitt Football, they think of those times they saw Tony Dorsett run wild or Dan Marino throwing a football. In other words, they reminisce of the past as well. We are hoping this leads to having more games televised on this station in the future."

The head coaches of both programs were also excited on this announcement.

"I'm excited", said Dave Wannstedt, "John Larroquette was very good on that show. Very funny guy. Richard Moll reminds me of Matt C. Every time I told Matt we were punting at Bowling Green's 35 yard line last week, Matt would say 'Ohhh-Kaay'. I plan letting the players watch a bit while I tell them how I was coaching Miami and Dallas with Jimmy Johnson at the the time"

Turner Gill shared the same sentiments.....

"We used to watch this show when I played in the CFL. It wasn't on when I was in college. Roz was one of my favorite characters. She had that Soul-Glo hairstyle. Guys used to always give me a hard time for liking Roz so much."

Pitt will host Buffalo at Heinz Field at 6pm. The Night Court marathon will be shown on the JumboTron before and after the game.

Pitt Looks to the Past for Buffalo Game

2008-09-03T16:26:00.002-04:00

OAKLAND (PR) – After a near upset of MAC juggernaut Bowling Green, the Pitt Panthers embark on a crucial week of preparation for Saturday’s home contest with Buffalo. Knowing that they’ll likely face Marv Levy’s vaunted no-huddle offense and the likes of Bruce Smith and Darryl Talley on defense, Dave Wannstedt is consulting the NFL Films archives for this week’s game plan.

“We know what they’ll do on offense in the no-huddle spread with their pro bowl talent, but since I’ve been coaching defense for years that’s the least of our worries,” Wannstedt said from his IROC Camaro in Blawnox. “It’s our offense that has to get going, their defense has great players who make great plays at great speeds.” The coaching staff believes the answer could be in the Super Bowl XXV game film, which saw Buffalo lose the first of four Super Bowls to the New York Giants.

“We talked to Steve Sabol down at NFL Films, and we got a copy of that film to look at for this week,” said Wannstedt. “The Giants used the same game plan as we had last week: by trying to run the ball every chance they got with some short 5-yard pass routes on 3rd and 10’s. We’re confident that if the Giants can beat the Bills with 20 points and a good kicker like Matt Bahr, we can do the same and that’s where we’re at.”

Offensive Coordinator Matt Cavanaugh is equally excited by his offense’s potential. “Seeing Otis Anderson bust through the Buffalo defense and watching Jeff Hostetler engineer 15-play drives that end in field goals gives us a lot of confidence,” Cavanaugh said from his bungalow in Oakland. “We played for field position and for 3 points against Bowling Green and we all saw how well that went, so we’re confident that this time we can win one that no one expects us to,” Cavanaugh remarked. “Besides, you know Scott Norwood is gonna choke when it gets down to it, so why worry?”

Pitt receiver Oderick Turner is especially ecstatic about Saturday’s matchup as his father, Odessa, was a receiver on that Super Bowl-winning Giants team. “Dad always told me stories growing up about that game, so I’m pumped to be playing that same Buffalo team,” Turner said. “When he heard that we were using that game film to study Buffalo this week, he assured me that Coaches Wannstedt and Cavanaugh were geniuses.” Odessa also had some more fatherly advice for his son. “Pops told me that he didn’t even see the field in Super Bowl XXV, let alone catch a ball, so I shouldn’t be worried if they don’t throw to me at all.”

Weekly update with Foge!

2008-09-03T07:37:00.004-04:00

Pittsburgh, PA (PR) After a dismal performance against the MAC powerhouse Bowling Green Falcons, we caught up with our old friend, Foge.

PR: How do you feel your performance was in the booth for the first time?

FF: Much better than the coaching staff’s (performance) was on the sideline. In the booth, everything went pretty smooth. The drinks never stopped being served and thank goodness, because I needed it to watch that nonsense! Bill and Bill were very cordial. I just had to keep nudging Fralic to keep him awake. Why are there so many Mckillop’s and Nix’s? It so hard to keep up with Chris and Scott and Nate and Lucas, who coincidentally, didn’t get into the game but I’ll get to that later.

PR: What were your overall thoughts about the game?

FF: Well, quite honestly it sucked. How do you want me to break it down?

PR: OK, lets break down certain aspects of the team and grade them.

PR: Coaching?

FF: F; and that’s being generous. No substitutions for Decicco, Joe Thomas, O. Turner or McCoy.

Offensive play calling was brutal. The game plan, if you can call it that, was ultra conservative. No play-action passes, No Greg Cross, No imagination, NO STUGOTS!

Defensive play calling; almost as bad. Not enough blitzing until very late. Conversely, BG coaches adjusted and blitzed almost every play.

PR: Special Teams?

FF: D; It could’ve been worse but the kickoff coverage team did well. That Dave Brutus kid (Brytus) must have received an injury from a submission hold in mixed martial arts matches or taken too many shots to the head. Any he’s terrible.

Connor Lee was not much better.

PR: Offensive line?

FF: D -; Joe Thomas wouldn’t even make the two deep for BG. Nuff said he stinks. The others were not much better. No fumbled snaps though so that was nice.

PR: Receivers?

FF: D; O Turner must have the same pictures of Wanny in an awkward situation that Cavanaugh has of him. How many more big drops can this practice hero have?

PR: Running backs?

FF: C+ Stephens-Howling look good. The Heisman candidate was auditioning for Dancing with the Stars. First, you have good college career, then an NFL hall of fame career, then you do Dancing With the Stars. Collins, nice blocking especially the time where he let Stull get killed.

PR: Quarterback?

FF: D+ Not bad, but with Cavy as your OC, you could be Dan Marino and in this offense appear to be coked up, ahh never mind. With that being said I know Dan Marino and Bill Stull, you are no Dan Marino.

PR: Overall Defense?

FF: C+; but I was calling plays in the booth but nobody would listen. My system would have shut them out.

DL; B+ actually did a decent job going against a plethora of passes.

Linebackers: C+ But Bennett took an All-American linebacker and made him play CB. Should have only had Chris, er Bill or Whatever the hell Mckillop’s first name is in there. Fields and Buddy Jackson should have been playing slot receivers. Force them to run.

Secondary: F Deccico, a fellow paison must have had too much vino the night before. That always hurt my teams in the 80’s. Wide-eyed Thatcher, closed his eyes and dropped a sure int. Bennett should have had is DBs playing tight coverage.

PR: How does Pitt fix the problem?

FF: Wow! I am not really sure. I do know that Wanny has to have more testicular fortitude and let his kids play to win. You know my old buddy Herm said “YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAMES” Cavy should be sent south to work at a roadside stand in South Carolina selling boiled peanuts. Terrible, just terrible.

If not, blow it all up. An uh ummm, I’m available.

PR: Is there anything else that maybe making this team tired and uninterested?

FF: Again, have you seen the game planning? C’mon, that speaks for itself. Hold on I’ve got it! It’s the pre-game meal. Every time that they have the Fish sandwiches from the Castle Shannon Fire Department they get shigellosis. That, along with the Iron City, creates a volatile situation. I’ve got to go save Pitt football and tell them to stop serving this. That’s it! That should work. SeeYa!

PR: Bye Foge, we’ll see you next week.

Dining With Dave

2008-09-02T19:07:00.003-04:00

BALDWIN (PR) - We stopped by the local Volunteer Fired Department today for a fish-fry and a conversation with Coach Wannstedt. On the menu: your choice of baked potato or fries, slaw or potato salad, and fish sandwich (cod or catfish). Coach explained the situation. "Right here, you got a great guy making the potatoes. He's a good man, from right around the corner. He's been fighting fires for 30 years. Some say he isn't the best but he's been doing it a long time and that counts for something with me. And his sour cream and chives are right on target." Coach continued, "and over here you have the fish sandwich guy. His name is Larry and we go way back to the 60's, playing together and eating fried fish. Today I'm going with the catfish." We asked coach if he felt the qualities of a bottom-dwelling creature that feeds off the remnants of those above him and really can never rise above his lowly state was somehow symbolic. "You got that right! The catfish is just misunderstood - he does all the right things, works hard, puts in his time, hangs out with the right crowd. Some people expect him to do things that he wasn't coache...I mean, things that aren't in his DNA. He'll never dine on the good stuff and he's ok with that. He's what Pittsburgh is all about; and he's what I'm all about."

We then asked the Stache about slaw versus potato salad. "I tell ya one thing, going with the potato salad is the smart play. You should never take any chances in life; play it close, go the route that is guaranteed, don't shoot too high. See, the slaw is sometimes great and sometimes Ned over there, he's the youngest son of ol' Charlie, well, he just doesn't have experience. And yeah, he's a trained chef at that fancy school dahntahn, and maybe it's good. But Willy, he's been making the potato salad for a long time. LONG time. And he's from around the block here. So you can't go against that, no matter what else is out there. I'll take Willy's potato salad any day. And I'll punch someone in the mouth if they want to tell me different."

Dave Wannstedt Press Conference

2008-09-02T01:02:00.003-04:00

Pitt Coach Dave Wannstedt held his weekly press conference Tuesday at a fish fry down at the local Fire Hall 976. Dave talked about the Bowling Green game and about the upcoming game against Buffalo. Ice cold IC Light was served and you had a choice between coleslaw and fries. Pierogies were an option as well.

On the Bowling Green:

"It was a great effort by the staff and the players on Saturday. We almost pulled off an impossible upset over Bowling Green. They are a very solid program in the MAC. We fought hard, but we came up short in the end. We had some costly turnovers, some missed opportunities, and a missed field goal. We had it going when we were up 14-0. Once Bowling Green came back, we knew it was going to be a battle the rest of the way. We played hard, but we just fell short. That's all there is to it. "

On the game plan:

"We wanted to keep the game plan simple. We didn't want to force anything or be too daring because who knows how the game would have really went. We figured if we kept what we did on offense simple and let the defense dictate the game, then everything would have worked out. We had a new quarterback leading the offense since Matt graduated. Tony Dorsett is now in the pros collecting a paycheck. When you lose those two coming off a national championship from two seasons ago, it can be a challenge to bounce back. We decided five to ten yard passes would be the key, and we would take our chances on whether Oderick Turner could catch a football.

We also had some 4th down situations at around the 35 yard line and we could have went for it. That's not always the best option. We wanted to make this game interesting so we just decided to punt instead."

On making adjustments:

"Adjustments? What are those? We don't know what those are. You guys are thinking way to ahead to the future. We had a good game plan, but we just didn't execute. We turned the ball over way too many times and we didn't block well. Joe Thomas is still doing his Michael Jackson moonwalk impersonation and he's gotten pretty good at it. We did decide to blitz. Blitzing is a new thing for us and figured we'd try it. It did work, but that's not how to coach football."

On the Buffalo game:

"This one should be a big test for us. Buffalo runs a no-huddle offense and they have a good coach in Marv Levy. Jim Kelly is one hell of a quarterback, they have a speedy back in Thurman Thomas, and Andre Reed is a big play receiver. Their defense worries you as well. Bruce Smith and Shane Conlan will be players we'll have to watch out for. I figure we'll keep the game plan simple again and just move the ball one yard at a time. I don't want to overwhelm the players too much. Well that's it for now. I will see everyone at the game on Saturday. Right now, I need a cold Ahrn City.

Rantings and Reflections

2008-08-31T21:05:00.004-04:00

Coach Cav's Playbook Revealed!

Our Sources down at the UPMC Sports Complex were able to get a copy of Matt Cavanaugh's playbook. They were "shocked"...to say the least. Hell, we were too. Below is a copy of Matt Cavanaugh's playbook:

Our sources found printouts of plays from Tecmo Super Bowl in Matt's play book. We are still wondering if this is the actual playbook because some of these plays are more daring than what Matt would call.

Players Awards

Player of the game: Quarterback Bill Stull.

Stull was heroic in his performance against Bowling Green. He managed around 260 yards on 29/51 passing behind an offensive line that had more gaping holes than a hooker on a busy night. He also did this in an offense that likes to throw five yard passes.

Milk Carton Player of the game: Elijah Fields and Greg Cross. While Dom Decicco was being bullied by Bowling Green's offense, Elijah was on the bench. There were reports that Fields would be "utilized" more. Elijah was utilized by most likely handing out gatorade to the players. Greg Cross was never used as well. His ability to throw accurately has been questioned, but at least they could have used his feet in some situations.

Honorable Mention: Lucas Nix and Jonathan Baldwin. While Joe Thomas was doing his best impressing of Tony Mandarich, he was on the bench as well. Baldwin wasn't used a whole lot and probably would have been a better option than Oderick Turner. Oderick will most likely catch a touchdown pass next week when Pitt is down late by three touchdowns and will tell the remaining 15 students in attendance to be quiet.

Fans of the game: The student section. They came out in good numbers for this game. Students showing up usually seems to be an issue, but you can now see why they don't show up. Most of them have to deal with this their whole time at Pitt. This comedy show cut into their drinking time at Garage Door Saloon, Hemingways, Peter's Pub, or at some house on Atwood.

If they wanted to see something like this, they would have stayed at home and watched freshmen try their first keg stands.

Positives from the Game

Here are some positive items from the game:

1. Pitt was up 14-0
2. Larod Stephens played well.
3. Ribfest was in town
4. Free Chick-Fil-A sandwiches
5. The Gyro Stand makes good gyros.
6. Pitt Band's Bon Jovi performance
7. The women on the dance team
8. The coeds looked pretty good.
9. Some fans saved money on their travel expenses for the season.
10. Pitt's Big East record is still 0-0.